Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cats vs. Dolphins

The following is the first in a series of ecologically educational essays that the Discovery Channel will option for a series (with cool zooms and Richard Attenborough's voice), or Animal Planet (with cheap lens effects and Zach Braff's voice) if it's not good enough for that. Matty Smith has no formal education on animals, but he likes animals and animal shows a lot.

Cats. Dolphins. What do we really know about these animals? Most resign themselves to these strange foreign creatures remaining a mystery. But walk with me please, as I take you into the world of...

Cats vs. Dolphins
A Tale of Survival

The biggest question one has when thinking of cats and dolphins-- scientifically known as felines and flippers, respectively-- is what is the difference between cats and dolphins? That's a good question, and you did a good job asking it.

1. Cats live on land, dolphins live in water
Despite their furry outer shell, cats are surprisingly not fit for water living. This is mainly due to them having lungs and not being able to put goggles on. Dolphins, juxtapositorally, don't have hands so they wouldn't be able to open doors, so they live underwater where there are no doors.

2. Cats go "meow," dolphins go "eh-ee-eh-ee-eh-eh-eh"
Being raised on cartoons and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, most Americans believe that cats and dolphins can speak perfect English. However, research suggests that both animals possess harsh accents that make their English almost completely unintelligible. Instead their speech just sounds like weird gibberish, and it's frustrating to play Apples to Apples with either species.

3. Cats eat tuna, dolphins tragically get mixed in with tuna sometimes"
We've all laughed really hard when Heathcliff reaches for that grocer's fish, but unfunnier than Heathcliff rip-off Garfield is the fact that dolphins get so interested in life on land that they often attempt to hop in a Norwegian fisherman's net just so they can snag a ride to the over world, and it turn out to be much more than they bargained for. Most marine astrologists hypothesize that this is because they've seen Splash too many times, or its Garfieldian rip-off The Little Mermaid.

4. Cats are mammals, dolphins are fish
This one's pretty straightforward.

5. Both are jerks.
If you own a cat, you're probably pretty bummed. Likewise, if you've ever swum with dolphins, your swumming experience was probably a big letdown. That's because both of these animals, as the intellectual low points for their respective animal classes (mammal and fish, see #4), are dumb and jealous of the fact that humans know how to program VCRs and cook TGI Friday's appetizers in microwaves. Cats and dolphins are jerk animals, who'd be all too okay with finishing the last Diet Coke in the office fridge without refilling, or blurting out inappopriate comments about your lifestyle to your parents at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

I don't buy this for a second.

Walk with me on this ancient rock point, as that concludes our tour of the animal kingdom, or kingdo anime in science language. Please pass on to your friends this vast array of knowledge, especially if they work for the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet, but preferably the Discovery Channel.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009, now with 200% more spiff!

Hey everyone! Check it out, in case you haven't already: has a new look! It's easier on the eyes, funny comedy videos are easier to find, and maybe most importantly, now there's a link to the blog on the front page-- so you can bet your sweet bippy that we'll be updating with much greater regularity.

That's right, I pledge to load this very blog with a boatload more content, or I owe you one sweet bippy.

And while we're on the subject of newspapers, our latest original was featured in the New York Times. I apologize for the fact that you have to register to read the article, but you should probably be reading more anyway. How else will you know what Obama's up to?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Who am I?

I have a crush on everyone in this video...

and no one in this video....

... And I wish the guy impersonated in this video had a crush on me...

Can you guess who I am?