One Great Sketch for Monday

So, I asked a friend what to write about today, and she took the cliched route and said I should write about how I hate being a waitress. Sorta difficult for me, because I'm not a waitress, but I think I can do it. How do I hate being a waitress? With every bone in my body. By storing a rage deep down my skin that's ready to just burst at any moment. I keep it to myself, as I walk down the aisle with my feminine gait, nodding politely every time some trucker slaps my behind or says "hey foxy mama, you need a foxy papa tonight?" Then I go home, draw a face with the words "foxy papa" on a piece of paper, staple it to my 260 lb. punching bag, and go to town. I eventually tire and collapse right there on the floor, a sweaty mass of blood, hatred, eggs and toast. That's how I hate being a waitress. Also, I'm a dude, so the female modifier's something of a tease. But WHY do I hate being a waitress? That's not the question. That's a story for another day...

Speaking of Italians, here's a great video written by Ryan Perez!

The Olive Garden


Huggles,
Matty

2008: The Year That Was

Boy, there goes another year. Way to go, Earth! You knocked another one right out of the park. Now, there were tons of great moments in 2008, but this blog is not infinite, so I've whittled down a list of what I found to be the most significant moments of 2008 (and I'm sure you'll agree!).

January 1
Akrotiri and Dhekelia Adopt The Euro
The world breathed a sigh of relief when the two "sovereign base areas" (source: Wikipedia) finally quit being sassy outsider emo kids and conformed to European monetary standards. Fun fact: the merging of world currencies is an early stage of the biblical apocalypse.



March 19
Exploding Star Is The Farthest Known Thing Ever Visible To Earthling Naked Eyes
And you missed it, probably because you were wasting time with your video games. For shame. The demise of poorly named GRB 080319B (made fun of all the freakin' time in grade school) could be seen from Earth, a distance of 7.5 billion light years (give or take). Interestingly enough, to the gas-based inhabitants of GRB 080319B it was actually the closest thing visible to the naked eye, until the naked eye also exploded.


August 17
Swimmer Brendan Hansen Wins Gold At The Summer Olympics
That's right, Phelps! You're not gettin' the headline this time! Not on my watch.



August 17
Aaron Peirsol And Jason Lezak Win Gold, Too
Oh no, Phelps, whatcha gonna do? Cry?




October 20
UCBcomedy.com's Blog Has Its First Post
I'm obligated to include this.


November 4
Historic Election Celebrated
That's right, November 4, 2008 marked the 84th anniversary of the election of Wyoming's Nellie Tayloe Ross as the first state governor in United States history. Whoa, Nellie! Some other important elections may have happened, too. Haha, get it? I'm being flippant.


December 29
Santa Clara University Retires Kurt Rambis' Basketball Jersey
Rambis, the first Greek player ever to play in the NBA, played for the LA Lakers, Charlotte Hornets, Phoenix Suns, and Sacramento Kings before being given the prestigious honor of popping up in the lyrics of a rapper named "Hot Karl," whose name is as vaguely gross and/or innuendo-laden as it gets. He's best known for having the sweetest mustache-glasses combination in NBA history (see: photo evidence at right). He truly was, as a nickname goes that I am just now bestowing upon him, the "King of Hoops and Handlebars."


And Rambis will carry us on through to 2009! That's MMIX to all you Romans. That about covers everything that happened in 2008, at least, everything important. The Celtics won their first championship in a long time, too, but until they learn to pronounce "kel-tik" I'm not giving 'em a lick of respect. Also not listed was the Hadron Collider because it broke, and we don't do failure here at the UCB. Happy New Year, everybody! We'll try to do better in 2009!

Funny People Can Be Good People, Too

Below is a video made by the Los Angeles chapter of Mustaches for Kids, a charity that raises money for several children's charity organizations, mainly by growing mustaches. It's just a fun, great charity that we're happy to say includes members of the Upright Citizens Brigade community. Visit www.m4kla.com for details on the charity and to donate, but act soon-- donations end on Wednesday, Dec. 16th!