What 2010 Has in Store... For YOU

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but I’ve spent some time using my brainwaves to activate an alien body on this mission that I don’t want to talk about.

It’s a new decade. That’s cool. I’m excited that this last decade was over, what with all the tragedy that happened, like NBC’s Coupling.

I have some predictions for you for 2010. Since I have déjà vu a lot, you can be pretty convinced that most of them will be right. I have, like, a million senses more than you, so trust me on this. Okay, buddy?!

Okay, here are some things that will happen in 2010 to you:

- You will go to the bathroom. It’s going to happen. Trust me. When you go to the bathroom, you’re going to be all like, “Oh my God. She was right.” And now when you go to the bathroom, you’re going to think of me. That’s okay. I’m used to it with me being magical and all.

- I will giggle as I type, “go to the bathroom.” When I was younger I used to think the phrase “go to the bathroom” was so funny because of “bathroom”. Since I am alone right now, I don’t feel any shame in laughing. Oh my God! I’m giggling right now. I’m letting out a good guffaw, if you will. I was right. My predictions are true. So there.

- You will do something with your body. The verb that you will do is tattooed on Lindsay Lohan’s wrist after she was in the hospital for an asthma attack.

- You are going to be impressed with my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s body adornment and medical history. Even if your brain is telling you I’m a loser, your heart is telling you I’m a genius.

- You will read this blog right now. It’s 2010 and you’re reading this blog so that means it will have happened so I’m totally right on my prediction of you reading this blog.

Done! That’s all my entire psychic eye is telling me right now. I’ll get back to you if I see anything else in the future. For now, Happy New Year!

Stats!: Halloween Costume Round-up

Hey there! Hope the ol' sugar hangover's passed! Get it? Instead of alcohol, it's sugar. Because they give you candy at Halloween. So you ate a lot of it. Thus, hangover. From sugar, which is commonly found in candy.

Well, the numbers have been crunched, and the pies are graphed. Here's a breakdown of this year's most common costumes:

And here are some more in-depth statistics for the more popular costumes:

So there you go. Sobering stuff. I apologize for the classless white backgrounds-- Apple's Numbers is a mighty spreadsheet-processing beast. And thanks to Jack Allison, of UCBTLA and Lil' Folks, for Sexy Shrek.

Love Advice to a 7th Grader

Hey, you. Yeah, you, 7th Grade Matty. How's it goin', little fella? It's me, the 23-year-old version of you. That's true, that's true, Valentine's Day is comin' up. Oh, yeah, and I know you have a crush on that girl over there. That's cool. She's very nice. The way she let you hold her hand when you went to see Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery? Wow, you two are destined to be together forever. Just like Austin Powers will always be remembered as one of the funniest movies of all time. There's nothing Mike Myers can do to tarnish that. Yeah, baby!

No, no, I think it's a great idea that you've decided that this girl is your one and only. No, you're definitely not too young, and this is not horribly irrational thinking. I agree, taking her out on dates would be "tight." Granted, you're in 7th grade so your mom would have to drive, but she'd probably let you ride in the back of the minivan together, so it's almost like having a chauffeur! Just be sure to borrow some money from mom while you're at it, so you can afford pre-movie Taco Bell and PG-13 movie tickets for two. And don't worry, I won't tell about your awesome plan to buy PG-13 tickets but actually sneak into an R-rated movie. That's freakin' brilliant, man. No wonder she's that into you.

You're almost there, really. Stay together for ten more years or so and you can get married, and be set for life. It'll be easy, because the high school and college years tend to be pretty uneventful and non-formative. You can fill time by quoting Austin Powers (I promise, it'll never get old) and talking about the latest episode of Friends (just wait 'til you see episode #184, "The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"). So don't worry, dude. You won't have to worry about being lonely on any Valentine's Days from here on out. You're way different from all those other 7th graders with their childish crushes rooted in puppy love. Your love's for reals, totes. Totes? Oh, that's a popular thing we future-people say in the future. Oh, and real quick, before you work up the courage to talk to Mrs. Matty Smith-to-be for the first time in weeks, you've got a little somethin' stuck in your braces. There you go, got it. Now go have fun being perfectly romantically stable for the rest of your life. What should you say? Well, you can start by impressing her with your mad rollerblade skills. Yeah, it was a great idea to go with rollerblading over skateboarding. You're never gonna regret that one.

Huggles,
Future You

2008: The Year That Was

Boy, there goes another year. Way to go, Earth! You knocked another one right out of the park. Now, there were tons of great moments in 2008, but this blog is not infinite, so I've whittled down a list of what I found to be the most significant moments of 2008 (and I'm sure you'll agree!).

January 1
Akrotiri and Dhekelia Adopt The Euro
The world breathed a sigh of relief when the two "sovereign base areas" (source: Wikipedia) finally quit being sassy outsider emo kids and conformed to European monetary standards. Fun fact: the merging of world currencies is an early stage of the biblical apocalypse.



March 19
Exploding Star Is The Farthest Known Thing Ever Visible To Earthling Naked Eyes
And you missed it, probably because you were wasting time with your video games. For shame. The demise of poorly named GRB 080319B (made fun of all the freakin' time in grade school) could be seen from Earth, a distance of 7.5 billion light years (give or take). Interestingly enough, to the gas-based inhabitants of GRB 080319B it was actually the closest thing visible to the naked eye, until the naked eye also exploded.


August 17
Swimmer Brendan Hansen Wins Gold At The Summer Olympics
That's right, Phelps! You're not gettin' the headline this time! Not on my watch.



August 17
Aaron Peirsol And Jason Lezak Win Gold, Too
Oh no, Phelps, whatcha gonna do? Cry?




October 20
UCBcomedy.com's Blog Has Its First Post
I'm obligated to include this.


November 4
Historic Election Celebrated
That's right, November 4, 2008 marked the 84th anniversary of the election of Wyoming's Nellie Tayloe Ross as the first state governor in United States history. Whoa, Nellie! Some other important elections may have happened, too. Haha, get it? I'm being flippant.


December 29
Santa Clara University Retires Kurt Rambis' Basketball Jersey
Rambis, the first Greek player ever to play in the NBA, played for the LA Lakers, Charlotte Hornets, Phoenix Suns, and Sacramento Kings before being given the prestigious honor of popping up in the lyrics of a rapper named "Hot Karl," whose name is as vaguely gross and/or innuendo-laden as it gets. He's best known for having the sweetest mustache-glasses combination in NBA history (see: photo evidence at right). He truly was, as a nickname goes that I am just now bestowing upon him, the "King of Hoops and Handlebars."


And Rambis will carry us on through to 2009! That's MMIX to all you Romans. That about covers everything that happened in 2008, at least, everything important. The Celtics won their first championship in a long time, too, but until they learn to pronounce "kel-tik" I'm not giving 'em a lick of respect. Also not listed was the Hadron Collider because it broke, and we don't do failure here at the UCB. Happy New Year, everybody! We'll try to do better in 2009!

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 1: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

Note to literary agents: This story was written by Matthew Thomas Smith. He may be reached by clicking here. Please include "I would like to represent you" in the subject line.

Chapter One
"I would like you to come have Thanksgiving with my family," proclaimed Bella, because she liked him.

"I don't know if I should because I am a vampire..." responded Edward, because he was worried that Bella's stepdad would not like that he was a vampire.

"I don't care what my parents think because I love you," explained Bella, then she hugged him and felt her head feel warm on his chest.

"Okay I love you too, and I will hide that I am a vampire so that they don't know," announced Edward.

So they went to Bella's parents' house for Thanksgiving. Edward's vampire teeth chattered a lot because he was nervous about being a vampire and Bella's mom made garlic dip and vampires die if they eat garlic. It was okay though because he just ate the crackers but no dip.

Then there was a part where Bella's stepdad posited, "Want a bite?" Edward got more nervous because he thought he was talking about biting people, but then he realized that he wasn't talking about him being a vampire and he was just talking about Thanksgiving dinner.

CRACK! There was a loud noise and Edgar, an evil vampire that used to be friends with Edward, broke through the wall and pieces of concrete flew into Bella's stepdad and killed him. Bella's mom died too.

"Not again today!" pronounced Edward, because in the past Edgar had messed up Thanksgiving before and killed everyone.

"No. I have a secret. I am your vampire brother," elucidated Edgar, "And now we have to fight because there can be only one. I will make you not thankful for this Thanksgiving!"

They fought and Edgar was really strong. Edward punched and kicked with all his might, and sweat was all over and his shirt tore in a way that Bella thought was really sexy, and finally he was able to knock Edgar so hard that Edgar flew really far, and Edgar got scared and ran away. Bella woke up from being knocked out earlier.

"Edward you did it! I love you!" vociferated Bella, and she hugged him. They kissed and did it for lots of time. But Edward scowled later on.

"I am a vampire and this is too dangerous. Your parents got killed. I am going to leave you, even though it's really sad," mitigated Edward. And then he super-jumped out of the room.

End of Chapter One

To Be Continued...?