What 2010 Has in Store... For YOU

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but I’ve spent some time using my brainwaves to activate an alien body on this mission that I don’t want to talk about.

It’s a new decade. That’s cool. I’m excited that this last decade was over, what with all the tragedy that happened, like NBC’s Coupling.

I have some predictions for you for 2010. Since I have déjà vu a lot, you can be pretty convinced that most of them will be right. I have, like, a million senses more than you, so trust me on this. Okay, buddy?!

Okay, here are some things that will happen in 2010 to you:

- You will go to the bathroom. It’s going to happen. Trust me. When you go to the bathroom, you’re going to be all like, “Oh my God. She was right.” And now when you go to the bathroom, you’re going to think of me. That’s okay. I’m used to it with me being magical and all.

- I will giggle as I type, “go to the bathroom.” When I was younger I used to think the phrase “go to the bathroom” was so funny because of “bathroom”. Since I am alone right now, I don’t feel any shame in laughing. Oh my God! I’m giggling right now. I’m letting out a good guffaw, if you will. I was right. My predictions are true. So there.

- You will do something with your body. The verb that you will do is tattooed on Lindsay Lohan’s wrist after she was in the hospital for an asthma attack.

- You are going to be impressed with my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s body adornment and medical history. Even if your brain is telling you I’m a loser, your heart is telling you I’m a genius.

- You will read this blog right now. It’s 2010 and you’re reading this blog so that means it will have happened so I’m totally right on my prediction of you reading this blog.

Done! That’s all my entire psychic eye is telling me right now. I’ll get back to you if I see anything else in the future. For now, Happy New Year!

2009: A Year In Headlines

The past year provided us with a plethora of memorable events. Here's a quick recap of some of the biggest headlines of 2009:

11/27: TIGER WOODS INVOLVED IN CAR ACCIDENT

Nobody saw this one coming. On what seemed like a typical Thanksgiving, when most were coming down from a day of Iron Giant marathons and being yelled at for choosing careers in comedy, the world's greatest golfer decided to pull a Billy Joel and crash his car in a place where it's typically pretty difficult to have a car accident (an empty slow-speed residential neighborhood). Reports say it looked a little something like this...

...only way more boring and thus not worthy of appearing in such an exciting blog as this. Crashing the way Tiger did it is about a half-notch below running over your own foot on the "Don't I Feel Stupid" scale. That he was being chased around by his model wife with a 7-iron doesn't make it any better. In fact, I'm pretty sure it makes it worse.

12/11: TIGER WOODS HAS DONE IT WITH EVERYBODY

Nobody saw this one coming. After an initial affair with cocktail waitress Jamie Grubbs (apparently Tiger wanted more than just grub-- zing!), an onslaught of women came forward and admitted to having had affairs with the Wood, until it was realized that everyone has done it with the man. Waitresses, your girlfriend, Frances Conroy, your mother, and, if you're a girl, you. You have done it with Tiger Woods.

Odds are ten in ten that five of the above women have done it with Tiger Woods.

Picture source: Googling "women"

12/16/09: TIGER WOODS VOTED ATHLETE OF THE DECADE BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

Everybody saw this one coming. You've gotta be a good athlete to do it with all those ladies! Also, he's pretty solid at golfing.

Imagine that the pigs are women, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are other golfers, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are vampires, and the tiger is James Woods.

Now, because this blog post didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd originally hoped, here are some fun alternative names for Tiger Woods:

Lion Metals

Wildcat Forests

Tiger Uppercut

Here's to 2009! Let's hope we can do better next year! Or god willing, next post!

Spotlight On: Ben Siemon

Ben Siemon is a performer and writer at UCBTLA and watching him perform is always a pleasure. Ben has become the go-to person to spoof anything pop culture. With his big characters and knack for satire, your shame for knowing every Golden Girls episode just melts away. He's right there with you, eating a frozen cheesecake and calling you Pussy Cat.

"When Your Father Gets Home!"



"Homeward Bound"

The 2009 Wayansies Nominee Announcement

In case you missed the announcement ceremony (or the replay on every news channel and blog), here's a repost of the recently announced 2009 Wayansies Award nominees.

Best Wayans (Sister)

Diedre Wayans

Elvira Wayans

Kim Wayans

Nadia Wayans

Vonnie Wayans

Best Wayans (Brother)

Damon Wayans

Dwayne Wayans

Keenen Ivory Wayans

Marlon Wayans

Shawn Wayans

Best Movie Starring A Wayans

Dance Flick

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

Watchmen

Best Movie Directed By A Wayans

Dance Flick

Watchmen

Best Movie Involving a Wayans

Dance Flick

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

Watchmen

N/A

Congratulations to all the nominees!

Spotlight On: Sue Galloway

This week's featured performer is Sue Galloway, a writer/performer/all-around-funny-lady at the UCB New York who can be seen performing regularly with improv Harold team The Law Firm, has appeared on various television shows, and is a freelance joke writer for Weekend Update and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here's some of her work, showcasing her distinct and unique (two great traits for comedians to have) and definitely funny (also a great trait for a comedian to have) style:

Do You Work Here?

Dir. Will Hines, Wri. Sue Galloway, Sta. Sue Galloway and Charlie Sanders

Susan and Her Instruments

Dir./Wri./Sta. Sue Galloway

Sue Is Late For Lunch

Dir. Will Hines, Wri./Sta. Sue Galloway

Hooray Sue! Click here for more!

Got any suggestions for more great UCB performers to be featured? Let us know!