Friday, August 28, 2009

The Man in the Reflective Surface

I didn't go to work as an un-employee on the day of Michael Jackson's memorial service. Traffic was a nightmare, and I need to be under some sort of influence to drive, and with more than one pedestrian out in L.A., it was just too dangerous for me.

However, someone who did make it out to the memorial is Matt Walsh, capturing the emotion and hope and dental hygiene of the memorial. Check it out.

And remember, if you want to make the world a better place... uh... I don't know this song. I was born in 1985.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


You guys.

Twitter is down right now.

Why is Twitter down right now? What am I going to do with myself now that Twitter is down right now?

Jesus Christ, what have I done before Twitter was ever invented? Oh God, I have no idea.

Light things on fire? Did I just consistently light things on fire before I knew I could just Tweet my anger instead using actual flames to metaphorically ignite it?

Oh geez, it's been two minutes I have no idea what kind of ice cream Arianna Huffington is going to treat herself after lunch today because today is obviously ice cream Tuesday over at Huffington Post Headquarters. I knew that from Twitter. But now I can't know things anymore. NATHAN FILLION - WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ADULT SWIM?!?!?!?

I'll never know...

I'll never know....

I'll just never ever never ever never ever-

Oh wait. Twitter's up and running now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

1960's Found Commercials

Uncovered from the depths of Proctor and Gamble and CSC Brands, comes never-before-seen commercials featuring the wheelers and dealers of the 1960's.

*Brought to you by the UCBTLA Maude Team, Paddington.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I'm on a plane.

Hi everyone. Are you on a plane? I am. On a plane from LA to New York for the world-famous (or maybe just world-familiar?) Del Close Marathon. It's in the air, and it's a little bumpy right now but I've been assured that it's gonna be fine and that the plane's not gonna explode or hit a mountain or anything. Want to play a game? This one's called "Guess Matty's Phobia!" It's a game about guessing what my phobia is-- just a little something to distract myself from the fact that I'm bouncing around in a giant soaring tin can miles above the ground with very little padding to break any possible fall. Clues in there? Maybe! Let's begin!

To play, just answer this simple question:
Can you guess Matty's phobia? You have three techno-seconds (a techno-second is the amount of time it takes to read and scroll through a line with periods on it).




Time's up. What'd you answer? Did you answer aerophobia, or fear of flying? Scroll down to see if you're right!

No. That's not correct. The correct answer was "yes." And that phobia is aerophobia, or fear of flying. People, my life might right now be in the hands of this man.

I'll post again soon, barring Desmond not typing in the numbers or a Langolier attack.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.


We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

"A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

Monday, August 3, 2009

"Wig Awards" on

Wig Awards on Written by Gil Ozeri and Gavin Speiller. Directed by Mitch Magee. Shot by Todd Bieber. Edited by Nate Dern. Visual Effects by Ed Mundy (who made the opening animation for UCBComedy).

We love this! There are ten million people in this video, or half as many as who were in Freak Dance. Because this video is sort of like 12 videos in one, it's been being edited on Nate Dern's computer for about 10 years, looking ridiculous to the rest of us as we walk by. It's possible that we will just keep re-making this video for a while.

There is pizza in this video.