Relationship Advice

I'm like the Nora Ephron of Generation X. Wait... I think I'm part of Generation Y. I don't know.

All I know is that I am surrounded by people in many kinds of relationships and I've noticed many of my friends run into similar issues when it comes to love. Since I am a love expert, here is some general advice to improve your relationships to make them long-lasting.

1.) When you first start to become intimate, purposely be bad at sex. Lie there still, make ugly faces, or hum Night Ranger. Then, gradually improve your techniques. That way, sex will never get boring. It will only improve. Once you've reached your peak, however, simply get divorced and blame it on your kids.

2.) Someone in the relationship needs to be a 14 year old. Or at least dress like a 14 year old.

3.) Do it in front of people and don't wait for them to ask to watch you do it.

4.) Never fart in front of each other.

5.) Always be pro-active together. For example, you can look at the right side on your computer screen and vote for you favorite UCBComedy original together. Put your finger on top of your partner's finger as you vote for "Funny Cats"... or whatever. Finger is such a funny word. But seriously, doing things together instead of apart is better, unless you like doing things apart.... or just doing things with other people.

6.) Don't give up who you are. If you like looking for Casual Encounters on Craiglist, keep doing it! It's who you are! Never let another person change you, unless they murder you. You can't really do anything about that.

But, what you can do, right now, is watch our newest original called eMotionallyfucked.com written by Michelle Thorn. It will also inspire you to improve your relationships.

M.Y.R.K.L.'s Up!

Check it out! Part one of Matt Walsh's sci-fi epic.

Time Travel Tuesdays

Oh, what's that? It's not Tuesday? Maybe not where YOU are...or should I say when you are. See, right now, it's Tuesday the Glorby-Seventh in the year 6280 from where I'm thinking about writing (nobody actually types here, you just think about things and they appear on the internet).

I'll answer some of the obvious questions you've got: 

-Yes, there are flying cars.

-No, licorice no longer exists.

-Yes, Obama fixes a lot of stuff.

-Yes, Matty's Twilight fan fiction garners him extensive posthumous success like no other, rivaling the likes of Vincent van Gogh and Val Kilmer (he's really popular in the future).

But I'm sure you're tired of me droning on about the future. In honor of Time Travel Tuesdays, here are some of UCB's finest time travel sketches:

1. Time Travel Expedition


2. Paul's Time Machine


3. Time Pot


Yours in Kilmer,
Justin

It's Official! We Did It!

That's right, folks. With the Dow closing down 680 points, recession has been declared for the United States. Grab a bag of oranges and claim the nearest street corner, kiddo, because rough times are ahead. You might also want to brush up on your Grapes of Wrath, just for good measure. Except for that part about breastfeeding a grown man, that's just nasty. And wasn't Tom Joad a murderer, now that I think of it? Jeez, John Steinbeck was nutso. The Associated Farmers of California were right to label him a communist. On second thought, stick to the John Ford movie version-- it has less murdering and man-breastfeeding, if I recall correctly.

But really, recessions happen all the time. According to CNNMoney.com, there were recessions in 2001, '90-'91, '81-'82, '80, and more. And all that happens is that a lot of people lose their jobs and don't have enough money to afford food and stuff. No Okies escaping the Dust Bowl, no Tennessee Valley Authority, no FDR trying to pack our Supreme Court. B to the oring. What could be cool and stylish, like the Great Depression, is really just a big bummeroo.*

Of course, there's always the possibility that this:


Could turn into this:


See what happens? All the colors will go away, and someone will steal our giant nice letters and replace 'em with janky ones. Also, there's gotta be some town somewhere that's actually called Hooverville that'll be upset that it's no longer the only one. So get out there, folks, and enjoy Four Christmases while you can, because soon enough your local theatre'll be converted into a food shelter, and that's nowhere near as charming as Reese Witherspoon's winning smile. Also notable is that both pervy perv John Steinbeck and darling Reese Witherspoon dropped out of Stanford University without receiving degrees. Quitters.



*Matty's not a total idiot. He realizes that a recession is not some little thing to scoff at, and does value the lives and families of those hurt by the recession. He doesn't just think it's "B to the oring." Just wanted to say that before you started writing letters and petitioning congressmen and protesting on street corners, you hippie.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch written by (and starring) Ryan Perez. Enjoy!