Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.

Ugh!

We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

3.) "A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

It's Official! We Did It!

That's right, folks. With the Dow closing down 680 points, recession has been declared for the United States. Grab a bag of oranges and claim the nearest street corner, kiddo, because rough times are ahead. You might also want to brush up on your Grapes of Wrath, just for good measure. Except for that part about breastfeeding a grown man, that's just nasty. And wasn't Tom Joad a murderer, now that I think of it? Jeez, John Steinbeck was nutso. The Associated Farmers of California were right to label him a communist. On second thought, stick to the John Ford movie version-- it has less murdering and man-breastfeeding, if I recall correctly.

But really, recessions happen all the time. According to CNNMoney.com, there were recessions in 2001, '90-'91, '81-'82, '80, and more. And all that happens is that a lot of people lose their jobs and don't have enough money to afford food and stuff. No Okies escaping the Dust Bowl, no Tennessee Valley Authority, no FDR trying to pack our Supreme Court. B to the oring. What could be cool and stylish, like the Great Depression, is really just a big bummeroo.*

Of course, there's always the possibility that this:


Could turn into this:


See what happens? All the colors will go away, and someone will steal our giant nice letters and replace 'em with janky ones. Also, there's gotta be some town somewhere that's actually called Hooverville that'll be upset that it's no longer the only one. So get out there, folks, and enjoy Four Christmases while you can, because soon enough your local theatre'll be converted into a food shelter, and that's nowhere near as charming as Reese Witherspoon's winning smile. Also notable is that both pervy perv John Steinbeck and darling Reese Witherspoon dropped out of Stanford University without receiving degrees. Quitters.



*Matty's not a total idiot. He realizes that a recession is not some little thing to scoff at, and does value the lives and families of those hurt by the recession. He doesn't just think it's "B to the oring." Just wanted to say that before you started writing letters and petitioning congressmen and protesting on street corners, you hippie.