Wild Girls Gone - Available today on iTunes

You should buy Wild Girls Gone now. A new movie from UCB4!



In the Spring Break capital of White Sands, Florida, Sheriff Terry Moran (Matt Walsh) outlaws the town's world famous Ass Contests in a bid to win the elderly votes in his campaign for mayor - even though he is married to the town's former Ass Contest Queen, Doreen (Amy Poehler). Unhappy with how her husband and her town is changing Doreen breaks out of her bored drunk housewife existence to recapture her youth and sabotage her husband's campaign. Meanwhile Stevie (Ian Roberts) a video store clerk and aspiring documentary filmmaker gets goaded into making a movie about Spring Break by his scheming stoner friend Ray (Matt Besser). But Stevie's loft ambitions for a documentary about human behavior are constantly derailed by Ray's offensive behavior, shady connections and criminal acts.

Lovely Bones Commentary, From the Lady Who Sat Next To Me At The Lovely Bones

Possible spoiler alert: Because these are all someone's actual reactions to watching the film, you may be able to infer certain parts of the story-- at least, the tone of certain parts. Please take this commentary to the theater with you, as it serves to expand upon much of what is seen in the film.

Title Credits

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Oh."

"Hm."

"Oh no."

"Oh no no no."

"Hm."

"Isn't that awful?"

"Hm."

"Tsk."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Tsk."

"Hm."

"Oh, I think those are the bones."

"Hm."

"Aw, shoot."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

End Credits

"That was a good one, that was a good one."

No response from Peter Jackson's camp if they'll be putting the commentary on the Lovely Bones initial Blu Ray release, or if they'll save it for the Lovelier Bones: Unrated edition.

The Five Best Movies of 2009

5. Watchmen

Many thought director Zack Snyder had his work cut out for him when he took on the task of bringing the most highly acclaimed graphic novel of all time (one believed to be unfilmable) to the big screen. But Watchmen was a smashing success and surpassed the simplistic nature of the original comic (the Family Circus of the 1980s, as it were), as Snyder told a complex story with absolute subtlety, no confusing or retarded crap that bogged on for days, and managed to give a computerized blue penis top billing without it becoming silly or distracting in the least. Audiences left the theaters wondering how those 162 minutes went by so fast, and especially didn't ask for their money back.

The reason this isn't higher on the list is because they occasionally wasted time not developing the character of the blue CGI wiener.

4. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Many thought director Michael Bay had his work cut out for him when he attempted a squeakquel to his 2007 critically acclaimed original film, Transformers. But Revenge is one of those rare squeakquels that surpasses the original in every way, elevating the franchise from one classic film to a Godfather-like epic work of art, filled with multi-dimensional characters, a subtle approach to action akin to Bay's earlier Bad Boys II, and an intricate and clever plot. Only where The Godfather got boring every now and then because they focused too much on killing horses and having abortions, Transformers 2 was SO COOL cuz they were like TRASNFORM! psshoo pshyoo! Bow bang! So cool.

Dimensions.

3. All About Steve
Many thought Sandra Bullock had her work cut out for her when she wanted to make an immediate squeakquel to The Proposal. But what if I told you that Sandra Bullock was gonna play against type and be a QUIRKY female lead. And what if I told you that she was gonna go against type again and wear RED BOOTS. 'Nuff said.

There's even a part later in the film where she has an UMBRELLA. 'Neff soid.

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Sequel
Many thought that Alvin and the Chipmunks had their work cut out for them when they wanted to make a sequel to their family-live-action-CGI-mix-thing movie debut. But those people were stupid, because Alvin and the Chipmunks are fictional characters so they wouldn't be making the movie. Also, making a sequel film where the female chipmunk counterparts sing high-pitched versions of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On" is like the Lumberjack Slam at Denny's: a no-brainer.

Alvin and the Chipmunks on set.

1. A Serious Man

Many thought the Coen Brothers had their work cut out for them in attempting to produce an entertaining film about a man who, for all intents and purposes, is serious. But they took the project very seriously, and made a serious movie on all accounts. A squeakquel has not yet been announced, but you can bet it won't be far off. Seriously, man.

A Sirius Black.

That was stupid. Goodnight everybody!

What 2010 Has in Store... For YOU

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but I’ve spent some time using my brainwaves to activate an alien body on this mission that I don’t want to talk about.

It’s a new decade. That’s cool. I’m excited that this last decade was over, what with all the tragedy that happened, like NBC’s Coupling.

I have some predictions for you for 2010. Since I have déjà vu a lot, you can be pretty convinced that most of them will be right. I have, like, a million senses more than you, so trust me on this. Okay, buddy?!

Okay, here are some things that will happen in 2010 to you:

- You will go to the bathroom. It’s going to happen. Trust me. When you go to the bathroom, you’re going to be all like, “Oh my God. She was right.” And now when you go to the bathroom, you’re going to think of me. That’s okay. I’m used to it with me being magical and all.

- I will giggle as I type, “go to the bathroom.” When I was younger I used to think the phrase “go to the bathroom” was so funny because of “bathroom”. Since I am alone right now, I don’t feel any shame in laughing. Oh my God! I’m giggling right now. I’m letting out a good guffaw, if you will. I was right. My predictions are true. So there.

- You will do something with your body. The verb that you will do is tattooed on Lindsay Lohan’s wrist after she was in the hospital for an asthma attack.

- You are going to be impressed with my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s body adornment and medical history. Even if your brain is telling you I’m a loser, your heart is telling you I’m a genius.

- You will read this blog right now. It’s 2010 and you’re reading this blog so that means it will have happened so I’m totally right on my prediction of you reading this blog.

Done! That’s all my entire psychic eye is telling me right now. I’ll get back to you if I see anything else in the future. For now, Happy New Year!

SAT Prep

Please fill in all bubbles fully. If you don't, your bubbles will look unpleasant.

Question 1: Math

Miguel liked Saw VI more than Saw II, but less than Saw III. He also liked Saw IV more than Saw V, but less than Saw II. Additionally, he liked Saw I better than Saw III. On top of that, Hostel Part II sucked.

How does Miguel rank the Saw movies and the crappy Hostel sequel, from best to worst?

(A) Saw I, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw II, Saw VI, Saw V, Hostel Part II

(B) Saw I, Saw VI, Saw III, Saw V, Saw II, Saw IV, Hostel Part II

(C) Saw I, Saw III, Saw VI, Saw II, Saw IV, Saw V, Hostel Part II

(D) Saw I, Saw 3, Saw VIII, Saw II, Saw XFL, Saw MCMIV, Hostel: First Blood Part II

Question 2: Grammar

Read the following sentence, and choose the answer that would best replace the part in italics.

Jon Gosselin is a total douchebag.

(A) not a former star of any television series on TLC

(B) a raccoon

(C) not Jon Gosselin

(D) a total douchebag (no change)

Question 3: Reading Comprehension

Read the following passage from New Moon.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason....And then then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty."

Based on the passage, the Twilight series is:

(A) poorly written

(B) retarded

(C) more like HAWTly written and retarded HAWT!!1

(D) all of the above

'Kay, pencils down. How'd you do? Hopefully well, otherwise you won't get into Barnett College, which leads the nation in professors that kill nazis and uncover ridiculous alien artifacts.

"Well, I was sort of in the middle of releasing a horde of souls from the Ark of the Covenant upon a Nazi platoon, but sure, I'd love to read the first draft of your lousy honor thesis."

Answer Key: 1. E, 2. E, 3. E

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 10/23/09

Being clever is hard. Let me tell you from experience. For instance: just today I was at Walgreens, and the lady working there was all "your card has been declined." It took me a minute, but I finally came up with a clever response: "You've been declined." Awesome. So movie critics, yet again let me do the cleverest part of your job for you: the movie review headline. Here they are for the releases this week:

Astr-Oh Boy!

Good Boy!

A Star is Boy!

Amelia Lands Right In Our Hearts!

I Am-elia Impressed!

She Disappeared! That Sucks!

Cirque du Two Stars Out Of Five!

Cirque du One Star Out Of Five!

Cirque du No Stars Out Of Five!

I Saw This Movie!

Saw'll Good!

Cirque du Saw Stars Out Of Five!

There you go critics! See you next week!

Where The Emo Things Are

Where The Wild Things Are debuted this past weekend and, if you're anything like me, you think it's okay to eat pizza for dinner two nights in a row. Also, you may have seen Where The Wild Things Are, based on the classic children's book, with a story primarily revolving around a James Gandolfini monster and his monster friends crying, hitting things in frustration, and generally being sad all the time. Sure, it all takes place in a depressed kid's imagination, but that doesn't undo the fact that they all act in a manner befitting a 13-year-old that insists he's just not "understood."

The "Wild Things" dance to the latest My Chemical Romance album.

But director Spike Jonze ("z" instead of "s" because z's are cooler, and "z" before "e" because dyslexia's also cool) can't shoulder all the blame, because the Tony Soprano monster and company are far from the first screen horrors that just need to take a chill pill and cut the whining.

King Kong was on his way to mainstream success as a celebrity, but instead got all mad when people starting snapping pictures of him (likely because they weren't moody monochromatic close-ups for his MySpace profile) and went on a whiny rampage through the city which ended with him dying the most melodramatically theatrical death of all, being shot down by tiny planes and falling off the top of the Empire State Building. Really, dude? Was refusing to sell out really worth it?

"I do this for the art, Dad!"

Dracula has pale skin, dresses all in black, and only rarely goes outside and only at night. He's like the sole inspiration for Hot Topic, and I half expect him to pop out of his coffin one morning wearing a glow-in-the-dark Misfits shirt or an ironic Thundercats tee. We know you didn't watch Thundercats as a kid, Drac. Take off that tee. As for why Dracula's more emo than goth, well, he's a rich dude whose thirst is never satisfied with a voice that sounds on the verge of tears at all times. Not only that, but he's all about crummy dinner parties where he makes everyone watch his grand entrance on a staircase. Attention-hound. Quit using eyeball-hypnosis to make people be your friends, Dracula, and join a youth soccer league or something.

You didn't play Battletoads, Dracula. Don't act like you played Battletoads.

Since the Phantom of the Opera lived in an opera house, his music of choice was playing slow organ ballads and likely half-committed In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida covers where he'd give up just a quarter of the way through. Just imagine if he'd been haunting a Tower Records-- you'd hear nothing but Fall Out Boy and Coheed and Cambria. Sure, the phantom was born deformed, and that's sad. But he also had an incredible singing voice, and instead of embracing his gift and using upheaval of false expectations to his advantage (a la Susan Boyle, or Joey Ramone), he seized a construction-related accident at the opera house (apparently he was one of the original builders) as an opportunity to live in the catacombs beneath and basically pretend to haunt the place. Really, he just should have negotiated better worker's comp. Phantom seems like the kind of guy who'd "just know" exactly what people would say about him before he'd do anything, so he wouldn't even try.

"I just want to be left alone, so I'm gonna make lots of noise and jump in the way of your plays and sneak into your bedroom at night and start a blog and stuff! But leave me alone!"

Basically, inherent to monsterdom is an intense emotional overreaction to being put down in some way, which typically includes lots of hitting, yelling, and general violence where a normal person would have found a more talk-based way of solving the issues. Well, at least they're all better than Godzilla. That bleeding heart environmental activist could never get enough attention, but instead of just joining Greenpeace, he's killed thousands of people and has been fighting giant moths and robot versions of himself for more than fifty years.

CAN YOU SPARE A MOMENT TO HELP SAVE THE WHALES?!?

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 10/16/09

As usual, reviewers, feel free to use any of these. Just give me credit. And monies.

Where The Wild Things Are

You'll Go Wild For This Thing!

Where The Wild Things Are? More Like Where The Wild Fun Is!

This Is A Movie Based On A Book! Stars!

Where? Here! Is A Good Movie!

This Adaptation of Maurice Sendak's Children's Book Will Send-ak You A Message: That You'll Want Maur...ice!

Law Abiding Citizen

Abide By This: This Movie Stinks!

Abide By This: This Movie Rules!

Abide By This: This Movie Is Okay But Not Great But Still Sorta Okay If You Like This Kind Of Movie!

The Stepfather

Step Away From The Theatre-- We Got a Stinker!

If This Father Were Your Real Father, Then You'd Be The Child Of A Bad Movie And That's Impossible Because Movies Don't Procreate!

Stars! Just Kidding No Stars!

New York, I Love You

New York, I Love You... But Your Movie's A Stinker!

New York, New Stinker!

More Like New York, I Stinker You!

More Like New York, I Love Stinkers! No Wait I Don't Love Stinkers No Stars!

Black Dynamite

Dyn-o-mite!

I've Heard This Movie's Legit Good And I Would Like To See It If It Releases In AMC Theaters Because I Have Coupons There!

I can keep churning these out forever.

Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.

Ugh!

We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

3.) "A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

One-Word Summer Movie Reviews

I don't mean to gloat, but I'm sort of the UCB Comedy blog in-house movie reviewer. More by default than anything else, having written reviews of some of the bigger films of the past year. And since the summer movie season is now officially in full swing thanks to the release of Ice Age: Dawn of the Dead, I thought I'd give a quick rundown of the films to come out so far this summer. I'll try to be quick and just edit the lengthy, 500-word reviews I originally wrote down to one, the first word of each review (because any good reviewer knows their readers usually only read the first word anyway).

Up - Great...

The Hangover - Funny...

Terminator: Salvation - Robots...

Land of the Lost - Will...

Public Enemies - It's...

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Night...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Robots...

The Proposal - Tittynope...

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 - 1...

My Sister's Keeper - Robots...

So now you know what to go see. Have fun!

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 5/29/09

Reviewers, feel free to use any of these. Just give me credit. And monies.

Up:

Two Thumps Up for Up

Head Down to the Theatre and See Up

Up Is Really Good, Guys!

Pixar's Future: Looking Up

I'm The One Reviewer Who's Gonna Say They Don't Like Up!


Drag Me To Hell:

Drag Yourself to the Theatre For This One

Drag Me to Hell Is No Drag

Drag Me To Hell Is Really Good, Guys!

One Hell of a Good Time

Drag Me To Hell is Video, With Sound and Actors!


Okuribito (Departures):

Take A Departure From Typical American Tripe For This Great Foreign Film!

Okuribito, Bite My Burrito!

This Movie Has Subtitles So You're Not Gonna See It No Matter What I Say

EARLY LEAK OF PIXAR'S UP!

OMG 1st Wolverine now this u guys!!!11

One Great Sketch for Monday

Happy President's Day! Which president is your favorite? Mine's Teddy Roosevelt. Becky likes Taft. All I'll say is, one of those fought bears and won, and one fought a bath tub and lost. You decide which is superior.

More important than our nation's history are celebrities, who'll all be on full display this Sunday at the Academy Awards, which are like the Oscars but for movies. To celebrate, here's a great sketch from Up, Up, Up!, one of the UCB maude teams from LA that I'm heavily biased toward because I'm on it. Enjoy!

Memorable Movie Quotes

Kids Are My Favorite

Seriously. They're awesome, and what they make is usually a million times funnier and more brilliant than what I can come up with. To wit: these two videos, made by the children of Amey Goerlich's five-year-old film production class. That's a production class for five-year-olds, not a production class that's been going on for five years. The videos:


Penguin Scientist:



Lost Ice Cream Pitch Meeting:



See? Amazing.

A Two-Minute Movie Review

There are only so many hours in a day, and you just want to know which movies are worth your time. So what's not to like about a two-minute movie review? This week's review is of the 1968 "classic," Planet of the Apes. For the two minutes, I chose to watch the last two minutes of the film. The following are my thoughts from when I was watching. Beware: minor spoiler alerts!

All right, he's on a beach. That's cool, good setting. What the heck is the Statue of Liberty doing there? That's supposed to be in New York. Major goof on the set designer's part. And why's that Moses guy so angry now? Of course you're on Earth, retard. What's the big deal? I'm on Earth every day and I don't fall on my knees and yell curse words all the time. Holy crap, those monkeys are wearing clothes!

To sum up, despite creative choices in locale and interesting use of animals, Planet of the Apes ultimately fails due to an extremely one-note performance by Charlton Heston (all he did was yell!) and major logical errors (I saw no reason why the protagonist would think he was on any planet other than the planet Earth). Planet of the Apes just doesn't hold up for today's audiences.

This One is About High School Musical

Okay, I was just reading this thing on a blog that is not as nearly as good as this blog about Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens spotted going inside of a sex toy store!

Omg!!!

I have my opinions about this hot teen couple and I think that just because they were spotted in a sex shop does not mean that they are sex-crazy maniacs just constantly making like bunnies.

Here is what I imagine the couple talked about just seconds before entering the sex store:



INT. MELROSE AVE. BETWEEN ALTA VISTA and POINSETTIA

ZAC: Where are you taking me? I'm scared.

VANESSA: It's fine. Ashley Tisdale told me about this store and I really think it will help us.

ZAC: But I already saw you naked once, do we have to do it again?

VANESSA: I want to have sex with you!

ZAC: Wait, that wasn't sex before?

VANESSA: No! The dance routine to "Mixin' My Turn" doesn't count as sex. How many times have I told you this?

ZAC: But what if someone sees us? Like every single one of my fans?

VANESSA: We're just walking in, buying a dental dam, and leaving! What's worse? Being caught in a sex store or being a child star who is pregnant caught in a sex store?

ZAC: My mom was pregnant once.


The end.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch written by (and starring) Ryan Perez. Enjoy!

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 1: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

Note to literary agents: This story was written by Matthew Thomas Smith. He may be reached by clicking here. Please include "I would like to represent you" in the subject line.

Chapter One
"I would like you to come have Thanksgiving with my family," proclaimed Bella, because she liked him.

"I don't know if I should because I am a vampire..." responded Edward, because he was worried that Bella's stepdad would not like that he was a vampire.

"I don't care what my parents think because I love you," explained Bella, then she hugged him and felt her head feel warm on his chest.

"Okay I love you too, and I will hide that I am a vampire so that they don't know," announced Edward.

So they went to Bella's parents' house for Thanksgiving. Edward's vampire teeth chattered a lot because he was nervous about being a vampire and Bella's mom made garlic dip and vampires die if they eat garlic. It was okay though because he just ate the crackers but no dip.

Then there was a part where Bella's stepdad posited, "Want a bite?" Edward got more nervous because he thought he was talking about biting people, but then he realized that he wasn't talking about him being a vampire and he was just talking about Thanksgiving dinner.

CRACK! There was a loud noise and Edgar, an evil vampire that used to be friends with Edward, broke through the wall and pieces of concrete flew into Bella's stepdad and killed him. Bella's mom died too.

"Not again today!" pronounced Edward, because in the past Edgar had messed up Thanksgiving before and killed everyone.

"No. I have a secret. I am your vampire brother," elucidated Edgar, "And now we have to fight because there can be only one. I will make you not thankful for this Thanksgiving!"

They fought and Edgar was really strong. Edward punched and kicked with all his might, and sweat was all over and his shirt tore in a way that Bella thought was really sexy, and finally he was able to knock Edgar so hard that Edgar flew really far, and Edgar got scared and ran away. Bella woke up from being knocked out earlier.

"Edward you did it! I love you!" vociferated Bella, and she hugged him. They kissed and did it for lots of time. But Edward scowled later on.

"I am a vampire and this is too dangerous. Your parents got killed. I am going to leave you, even though it's really sad," mitigated Edward. And then he super-jumped out of the room.

End of Chapter One

To Be Continued...?

A Matty Smith Movie Review: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Disclaimer: Matty Smith does not have any expertise when it comes to film criticism, nor does he claim to. He will also say that Music and Lyrics and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead are both "pretty great movies." Just a little heads up so you know where he's coming from.

Whew. I was gonna write a review of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, but that disclaimer took a lot out of me, what with the switching back and forth between italics and whatnot. I'm almost not in the mood anymore. It was also in third person, and we all know that I wrote it, so that's pretty arrogant of me. I apologize for that.

A review would also include a lot of switching between italics and non-italics every time I had to say the title, and as I said I'm pretty winded on the typing/html front already. Not to mention the need to figure out the proper shortened title (Escape 2 Africa? M:E2A? Escape? Animal Movie? The One That is the First One After the First Madagascar?). We're all busy people with places to go. We don't need to read a movie review right now, especially when Rotten Tomatoes is out there.

To sum up, I really enjoyed the movie that I was talking about earlier. The first was awesome, what with the animals and David Schwimmer and that Borat guy and all, and I felt that the second was almost (if not just as) awesome. There were also a couple moments where I laughed pretty hard and the mothers of young children stared at me wondering why I was there, so that was good.

I give Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
Three and a Half Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas out of Five Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas.