OH MY GOD TWITTER IS DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

You guys.

Twitter is down right now.

Why is Twitter down right now? What am I going to do with myself now that Twitter is down right now?

Jesus Christ, what have I done before Twitter was ever invented? Oh God, I have no idea.

Light things on fire? Did I just consistently light things on fire before I knew I could just Tweet my anger instead using actual flames to metaphorically ignite it?

Oh geez, it's been two minutes I have no idea what kind of ice cream Arianna Huffington is going to treat herself after lunch today because today is obviously ice cream Tuesday over at Huffington Post Headquarters. I knew that from Twitter. But now I can't know things anymore. NATHAN FILLION - WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ADULT SWIM?!?!?!?

I'll never know...

I'll never know....

I'll just never ever never ever never ever-

Oh wait. Twitter's up and running now.

As Seen on TV

I was watching Ben Siemon's Infomercial Date and I realized that I am a victim to As Seen on TV scams. I'll admit this to you: I have purchased a lot of As Seen on TV products. I am so vulnerable to infomercials. They make it seem that with this product, my life will totally improve. I get the product, and, at first, I think, "Wow, this product is amazing!" Then, after two more tries I realize I purchased the most defunct product in the world.

Okay, so here's a list of some things I've purchased:

1.) Strap Perfect. This was my latest purchase. My bra straps are always falling over so I decided to get this 20 dollar piece of plastic to keep them in place. Basically, this thing is a piece of plastic that is snug against your skin all day. I have very sensitive skin, so the strap perfect permanently indented itself on my back and now it looks like I have a weird Satanic symbol branded on me. It's not that big of a deal... since I'm a Satanist (a Jewish Satanist at that), but if I weren't, I would be a little peeved... and a little Born-Again, too. Cost: $20.00.

2.) Tweez-E. Tweez-E is a pair of electric tweezers, promising to get it's job done painlessly and in half the time. No way. Tweez-E is not eaz-E. All it does is pinch your skin and make a weird vibrating noise that makes your roommates think you cannot stop using a vibrator, while cursing, whenever the bathroom door is shut. Cost: $30.00

3.)The Ab Glide. Okay, I didn't actually purchase this product, but I did waste a Hannukkah on this. Every year for Hannukkah, my parents use to allow me one "big" present and the rest of my presents were cheap or free little tokens like a sheet of price stickers from ShopRite or fun-shaped erasers that my mom usually gives to her students. That year I asked for an Ab Glide as my "big" present and the second after I performed my first glide, I wished I had asked for an Ab Doer. Cost: Hanukkah of 1998.

New UCB Comedy Original!

When I was in high school, we had a lot of bomb threats and the whole community was concerned. Apparently, the bomb threats were written on the boy's bathroom wall. There was a whole investigation into this and the school even sent us letters home talking about the situation. The letter included a picture of the bomb threat written on the wall...

and...

..."bomb" was spelled incorrectly.

Why would the school think this "terrorist" was smart enough to concoct a bomb when they spelled the actual thing, they were supposedly concocting, "bom"?

Wat a idoit.

Oh, what a surprise! This story segues perfectly into the topic of UCB Comedy's newest original that's all about bombs and idiots. Check out Bomb Squad F-Up and please don't let the hotness of the nurse character distract you from the comedy of the video.

Obama Watch: Day One

Obama's been president for several hours now. Let's see how he's doing.

Okay, so I still don't have a job. Mr. Everything's slacking off a bit there. Price of gas? Same price as yesterday, when we were mired deep in the tyrannical Bush regime. Strike two, 'Bama Slamma. And as I walk out on the street, I see... nope, the sidewalks aren't made of gold. Just regular ol' concrete. Come on, Barack of Gibraltar. What the heck are you doing with your time?

So far, I give Obama's presidency a score of one "bark!" out of five. Let's hope he improves over the coming days.

This One is About High School Musical

Okay, I was just reading this thing on a blog that is not as nearly as good as this blog about Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens spotted going inside of a sex toy store!

Omg!!!

I have my opinions about this hot teen couple and I think that just because they were spotted in a sex shop does not mean that they are sex-crazy maniacs just constantly making like bunnies.

Here is what I imagine the couple talked about just seconds before entering the sex store:



INT. MELROSE AVE. BETWEEN ALTA VISTA and POINSETTIA

ZAC: Where are you taking me? I'm scared.

VANESSA: It's fine. Ashley Tisdale told me about this store and I really think it will help us.

ZAC: But I already saw you naked once, do we have to do it again?

VANESSA: I want to have sex with you!

ZAC: Wait, that wasn't sex before?

VANESSA: No! The dance routine to "Mixin' My Turn" doesn't count as sex. How many times have I told you this?

ZAC: But what if someone sees us? Like every single one of my fans?

VANESSA: We're just walking in, buying a dental dam, and leaving! What's worse? Being caught in a sex store or being a child star who is pregnant caught in a sex store?

ZAC: My mom was pregnant once.


The end.

Has This Ever Been You?

I saw Ben Siemon's "Date with an Informercial Actress" at Not Too Shabby once and I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Since then I've been stalking Ben Siemon. However, now that this hilarious sketch is finally on ucbcomedy.com, I can pretend he's my husband from the comfort of my own home/wi-fi hotspot.

Check it out:

It's Official! We Did It!

That's right, folks. With the Dow closing down 680 points, recession has been declared for the United States. Grab a bag of oranges and claim the nearest street corner, kiddo, because rough times are ahead. You might also want to brush up on your Grapes of Wrath, just for good measure. Except for that part about breastfeeding a grown man, that's just nasty. And wasn't Tom Joad a murderer, now that I think of it? Jeez, John Steinbeck was nutso. The Associated Farmers of California were right to label him a communist. On second thought, stick to the John Ford movie version-- it has less murdering and man-breastfeeding, if I recall correctly.

But really, recessions happen all the time. According to CNNMoney.com, there were recessions in 2001, '90-'91, '81-'82, '80, and more. And all that happens is that a lot of people lose their jobs and don't have enough money to afford food and stuff. No Okies escaping the Dust Bowl, no Tennessee Valley Authority, no FDR trying to pack our Supreme Court. B to the oring. What could be cool and stylish, like the Great Depression, is really just a big bummeroo.*

Of course, there's always the possibility that this:


Could turn into this:


See what happens? All the colors will go away, and someone will steal our giant nice letters and replace 'em with janky ones. Also, there's gotta be some town somewhere that's actually called Hooverville that'll be upset that it's no longer the only one. So get out there, folks, and enjoy Four Christmases while you can, because soon enough your local theatre'll be converted into a food shelter, and that's nowhere near as charming as Reese Witherspoon's winning smile. Also notable is that both pervy perv John Steinbeck and darling Reese Witherspoon dropped out of Stanford University without receiving degrees. Quitters.



*Matty's not a total idiot. He realizes that a recession is not some little thing to scoff at, and does value the lives and families of those hurt by the recession. He doesn't just think it's "B to the oring." Just wanted to say that before you started writing letters and petitioning congressmen and protesting on street corners, you hippie.