2009: A Year In Headlines

The past year provided us with a plethora of memorable events. Here's a quick recap of some of the biggest headlines of 2009:

11/27: TIGER WOODS INVOLVED IN CAR ACCIDENT

Nobody saw this one coming. On what seemed like a typical Thanksgiving, when most were coming down from a day of Iron Giant marathons and being yelled at for choosing careers in comedy, the world's greatest golfer decided to pull a Billy Joel and crash his car in a place where it's typically pretty difficult to have a car accident (an empty slow-speed residential neighborhood). Reports say it looked a little something like this...

...only way more boring and thus not worthy of appearing in such an exciting blog as this. Crashing the way Tiger did it is about a half-notch below running over your own foot on the "Don't I Feel Stupid" scale. That he was being chased around by his model wife with a 7-iron doesn't make it any better. In fact, I'm pretty sure it makes it worse.

12/11: TIGER WOODS HAS DONE IT WITH EVERYBODY

Nobody saw this one coming. After an initial affair with cocktail waitress Jamie Grubbs (apparently Tiger wanted more than just grub-- zing!), an onslaught of women came forward and admitted to having had affairs with the Wood, until it was realized that everyone has done it with the man. Waitresses, your girlfriend, Frances Conroy, your mother, and, if you're a girl, you. You have done it with Tiger Woods.

Odds are ten in ten that five of the above women have done it with Tiger Woods.

Picture source: Googling "women"

12/16/09: TIGER WOODS VOTED ATHLETE OF THE DECADE BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

Everybody saw this one coming. You've gotta be a good athlete to do it with all those ladies! Also, he's pretty solid at golfing.

Imagine that the pigs are women, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are other golfers, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are vampires, and the tiger is James Woods.

Now, because this blog post didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd originally hoped, here are some fun alternative names for Tiger Woods:

Lion Metals

Wildcat Forests

Tiger Uppercut

Here's to 2009! Let's hope we can do better next year! Or god willing, next post!