Okay, Guess Which One is Becky and Which One is Matty...

... in this new UCB Comedy Original.

Becky's Culinary Review of Food People Leave Around at UCB.

I'm in love with Anthony Bourdain. There. I said it.

If I were cultured and shit, I think I would be a food critic. And since Matty stole my blog post idea about bragging about how awesome we are for winning a ENCY award, I'm going to write a culinary review about the snacks that people leave in the UCBTLA office overnight.

To my right, someone left a container of Blue Diamond Natural Oven Roasted Almonds that are flavored with cinnamon brown sugar. I get the concept, but it tastes too much like breakfast. If I get light-headed later, I may take one more. However, snacks should be snacks and breakfast should be breakfast.

Behind my computer, someone left a bag of Boulder Canyon spinach and artichoke flavored potato chips. Well, they left an empty bag of said potato chips. There are still some crumbs in it, so I can only base my opinions on said crumbs. Two words: "Fucking Delicious." Six words: "Oh wait. That was my finger."

Next to the phone, there's a bottle of Advil Tablets. I personally like to call them Ibuprofen Lady-Fingers but whatever. They can hold me over until lunch.

In front of the printer/fax/copier, there's a blue plastic cup with water in it. It had a horrible follow-through but pretty decent after-taste.

Finally, next to the file cabinet is an enormous box of Sun-maid Raisins. I hate raisins. That, I didn't even taste. Fuck raisins. It's like eating old people or your brother's green army soldiers that your dog chewed on. Seriously, fuck raisins. Fuck them. I can't even begin to write about how intensely I wish raisins would go fuck themselves.

I guess this is why I can't be a real food critic.

Hey, if you're in LA tomorrow night at midnight, you should check out Sketch Cram. Matty and I are writing for it, and then, at the end of the night, we're going to punch each other in the face. Don't miss it.

Check out this video from last month's sketch cram.

Love Advice to a 7th Grader

Hey, you. Yeah, you, 7th Grade Matty. How's it goin', little fella? It's me, the 23-year-old version of you. That's true, that's true, Valentine's Day is comin' up. Oh, yeah, and I know you have a crush on that girl over there. That's cool. She's very nice. The way she let you hold her hand when you went to see Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery? Wow, you two are destined to be together forever. Just like Austin Powers will always be remembered as one of the funniest movies of all time. There's nothing Mike Myers can do to tarnish that. Yeah, baby!

No, no, I think it's a great idea that you've decided that this girl is your one and only. No, you're definitely not too young, and this is not horribly irrational thinking. I agree, taking her out on dates would be "tight." Granted, you're in 7th grade so your mom would have to drive, but she'd probably let you ride in the back of the minivan together, so it's almost like having a chauffeur! Just be sure to borrow some money from mom while you're at it, so you can afford pre-movie Taco Bell and PG-13 movie tickets for two. And don't worry, I won't tell about your awesome plan to buy PG-13 tickets but actually sneak into an R-rated movie. That's freakin' brilliant, man. No wonder she's that into you.

You're almost there, really. Stay together for ten more years or so and you can get married, and be set for life. It'll be easy, because the high school and college years tend to be pretty uneventful and non-formative. You can fill time by quoting Austin Powers (I promise, it'll never get old) and talking about the latest episode of Friends (just wait 'til you see episode #184, "The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"). So don't worry, dude. You won't have to worry about being lonely on any Valentine's Days from here on out. You're way different from all those other 7th graders with their childish crushes rooted in puppy love. Your love's for reals, totes. Totes? Oh, that's a popular thing we future-people say in the future. Oh, and real quick, before you work up the courage to talk to Mrs. Matty Smith-to-be for the first time in weeks, you've got a little somethin' stuck in your braces. There you go, got it. Now go have fun being perfectly romantically stable for the rest of your life. What should you say? Well, you can start by impressing her with your mad rollerblade skills. Yeah, it was a great idea to go with rollerblading over skateboarding. You're never gonna regret that one.

Huggles,
Future You