Spotlight On: Ben Siemon

Ben Siemon is a performer and writer at UCBTLA and watching him perform is always a pleasure. Ben has become the go-to person to spoof anything pop culture. With his big characters and knack for satire, your shame for knowing every Golden Girls episode just melts away. He's right there with you, eating a frozen cheesecake and calling you Pussy Cat.

"When Your Father Gets Home!"



"Homeward Bound"

Okay, Guess Which One is Becky and Which One is Matty...

... in this new UCB Comedy Original.

The Man in the Reflective Surface

I didn't go to work as an un-employee on the day of Michael Jackson's memorial service. Traffic was a nightmare, and I need to be under some sort of influence to drive, and with more than one pedestrian out in L.A., it was just too dangerous for me.

However, someone who did make it out to the memorial is Matt Walsh, capturing the emotion and hope and dental hygiene of the memorial. Check it out.

And remember, if you want to make the world a better place... uh... I don't know this song. I was born in 1985.

My Addiction, by Matty Smith

The following is a true story.

It started a few years ago, at my first job in Hollywood. I was workin' for a real bona fide production company-- yessir, the kind of movie company that made fancy movies like Coach Carter, and Norbit. In fact, the company did make Coach Carter and Norbit. I entered my first foray into the entertainment world an enthusiastic, eager and, unfortunately, gullible young lad.

I never thought Hollywood could change me. Turns out, like the millions of others who set out to make it in this harsh mistress of a town, it did.

It started off simple enough. I'd answer phone calls, say hello to Tom Welling when he walked in. The usual stuff. But as the days got longer, and the phone calls from the director of Summer Catch starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. stopped coming in, a different kind of monster rolled into town. A monster named Boredom. Suddenly, instead of rubbing elbows with Samuel L. Jackson and making with the googly eyes with Britney Spears in a whirling Hollywood fever dream, I was rubbing elbows with a big empty desk and making googly eyes with a Windows ME default desktop wallpaper. It was then that I spotted it, that sweet siren's song of a program icon, beckoning me like the serpent to Eve.

One made-up compound word: FreeCell. To some it is merely Solitaire with skill involved. But I know its true face: black magic.

It was easy to control at first. A game here, a game there. Win, loss, didn't really matter much to me. I was just a kid, foolin' around. Three of clubs on top of a four of diamonds here, set the ten of hearts aside there. Easy peasy. But then something dark broke out from inside me, like a wild tiger exploding from a thicket. Suddenly my win-loss record counted. Suddenly that other girl interning there was confused by how much I played the game and why I actually cared if I won. Suddenly I'd go to bed at night and instead of my usual talking dog adventures, my dreams were overtaken by thoughts of compatible card combinations and how many cards I could shift to other piles with given amounts of open spaces.

I had it, had it bad. Addiction.

This riveting story to be continued on a later day...

Here's a great video written by Becky Bain as a reward for putting up with my stupid crap all the time:

Love Advice to a 7th Grader

Hey, you. Yeah, you, 7th Grade Matty. How's it goin', little fella? It's me, the 23-year-old version of you. That's true, that's true, Valentine's Day is comin' up. Oh, yeah, and I know you have a crush on that girl over there. That's cool. She's very nice. The way she let you hold her hand when you went to see Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery? Wow, you two are destined to be together forever. Just like Austin Powers will always be remembered as one of the funniest movies of all time. There's nothing Mike Myers can do to tarnish that. Yeah, baby!

No, no, I think it's a great idea that you've decided that this girl is your one and only. No, you're definitely not too young, and this is not horribly irrational thinking. I agree, taking her out on dates would be "tight." Granted, you're in 7th grade so your mom would have to drive, but she'd probably let you ride in the back of the minivan together, so it's almost like having a chauffeur! Just be sure to borrow some money from mom while you're at it, so you can afford pre-movie Taco Bell and PG-13 movie tickets for two. And don't worry, I won't tell about your awesome plan to buy PG-13 tickets but actually sneak into an R-rated movie. That's freakin' brilliant, man. No wonder she's that into you.

You're almost there, really. Stay together for ten more years or so and you can get married, and be set for life. It'll be easy, because the high school and college years tend to be pretty uneventful and non-formative. You can fill time by quoting Austin Powers (I promise, it'll never get old) and talking about the latest episode of Friends (just wait 'til you see episode #184, "The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"). So don't worry, dude. You won't have to worry about being lonely on any Valentine's Days from here on out. You're way different from all those other 7th graders with their childish crushes rooted in puppy love. Your love's for reals, totes. Totes? Oh, that's a popular thing we future-people say in the future. Oh, and real quick, before you work up the courage to talk to Mrs. Matty Smith-to-be for the first time in weeks, you've got a little somethin' stuck in your braces. There you go, got it. Now go have fun being perfectly romantically stable for the rest of your life. What should you say? Well, you can start by impressing her with your mad rollerblade skills. Yeah, it was a great idea to go with rollerblading over skateboarding. You're never gonna regret that one.

Huggles,
Future You

Hooray! Boo!

Note: I originally wrote this post with a hopeful Arizonan heart on the morning of Sunday, February 1st, before the Super Bowl took place. Because of these hard economic times in which nothing should be wasted (not to mention, my resourceful green-centric lifestyle), I'm gonna try to salvage the post, with a few alterations for accuracy (original text is stricken through and replaced).

Heck yeah Durnit! After fifty-one long years, the Arizona Cardinals are finally Super Bowl champions! still crummy loserfaces. As the great Kurt Warner a-hole Ben Roethlisberger stepped up to claim the majestic totally pointless Super Bowl trophy, I couldn't help but feel a song in my heart the horrible sting of realizing that all existence is pointless. It's as if this heavy weight has been lifted off the chest of every Arizona sports fan the man with the world's largest hand slapped every Arizona sports fan right in the face. Simply put, I'm elated plunging into the depths of depression. I wanna call my mom dad, and tell them how glad angry I am at them for raising me in the wonderful subpar city of Phoenix Buttfart, Arizona.

Seriously, everyone. I haven't been this excited for a while. As a team with such a shameful history of losing year in and year out, for the Arizona Cardinals to have won the Super Bowl is huge. Only Cubs fans have had it worse than Cardinals fans in terms of waiting forever for a championship, and for the first time in my life I can say I'm proud to be a Cardinals fan. The rush of joy that came with watching the Cardinals finally claim the Super Bowl title was something I thought I'd never feel, and in a way it almost made all those long losing years worth it. Hooray! The Steelers can bite my wiener.

My Life at UCBcomedy.com

Folks, we've got a present for you today. We know you've been wondering, "what's the glamorous life of a UCB intern like?" Well, we're gonna show you. Right now, yes. Here's the view from Matty's luxurious seat in the back office of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

Oh, man, check it out! Is that a MacBook? Yeah, it is. I get to use it! And that sweet piece of abstract art makes me seem smart. Just a little somethin' somethin' for the ladies. And, to top it all off, I get to use that stapler any time I want. As long as it's business-related. So that's the mustardy-colored front view. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY TOP THIS?!?


Holy crud! A hallway! That's what's goin' on to the left. Interesting note, nobody has ever gone down that hallway, and nobody knows what's down there. My bet's on it being the lair of the Jabberwocky.


How many people are able to say they can spin around and look at the faces of all the UCB interns at once any time they want? How many? Very few. But I can. I can. Also, that Paychex calendar sure comes in handy, mainly because it doubles as just a regular-type calendar.


My view to the right. I don't look there often. No idea who that chick is.


And, not to brag, but on very, very special days, I get a visitor! That's right, it's the UCB's own Harrison Brown! He likes to come in and tell Becky she's doing a really good job. Then I ask how I'm doing, and he just stares at the floor. Then I go home and throw myself one of my Matty Smith-patented pizza n' tears parties, my favorite kind of party. More on that later.


I hope this was as exciting for you as it was for me. You probably work in an office building, with windows and stuff. Talk about banal. If I want to see typical office workings, I can just watch reruns of Working with Fred Savage. Remember Working? They had an episode where they had a Solitaire competition. Haha, Solitaire.

Genius.

Welcome to My Study

Are you a fan of awkward, lonely humor? Do you like finding things in desks? I am, and that's why I'm digging deep into the UCBComedy archives (from, oh, about a year ago) to bring you Mitch Magee's, Welcome to My Study: