The Five Best Movies of 2009

5. Watchmen

Many thought director Zack Snyder had his work cut out for him when he took on the task of bringing the most highly acclaimed graphic novel of all time (one believed to be unfilmable) to the big screen. But Watchmen was a smashing success and surpassed the simplistic nature of the original comic (the Family Circus of the 1980s, as it were), as Snyder told a complex story with absolute subtlety, no confusing or retarded crap that bogged on for days, and managed to give a computerized blue penis top billing without it becoming silly or distracting in the least. Audiences left the theaters wondering how those 162 minutes went by so fast, and especially didn't ask for their money back.

The reason this isn't higher on the list is because they occasionally wasted time not developing the character of the blue CGI wiener.

4. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Many thought director Michael Bay had his work cut out for him when he attempted a squeakquel to his 2007 critically acclaimed original film, Transformers. But Revenge is one of those rare squeakquels that surpasses the original in every way, elevating the franchise from one classic film to a Godfather-like epic work of art, filled with multi-dimensional characters, a subtle approach to action akin to Bay's earlier Bad Boys II, and an intricate and clever plot. Only where The Godfather got boring every now and then because they focused too much on killing horses and having abortions, Transformers 2 was SO COOL cuz they were like TRASNFORM! psshoo pshyoo! Bow bang! So cool.

Dimensions.

3. All About Steve
Many thought Sandra Bullock had her work cut out for her when she wanted to make an immediate squeakquel to The Proposal. But what if I told you that Sandra Bullock was gonna play against type and be a QUIRKY female lead. And what if I told you that she was gonna go against type again and wear RED BOOTS. 'Nuff said.

There's even a part later in the film where she has an UMBRELLA. 'Neff soid.

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Sequel
Many thought that Alvin and the Chipmunks had their work cut out for them when they wanted to make a sequel to their family-live-action-CGI-mix-thing movie debut. But those people were stupid, because Alvin and the Chipmunks are fictional characters so they wouldn't be making the movie. Also, making a sequel film where the female chipmunk counterparts sing high-pitched versions of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On" is like the Lumberjack Slam at Denny's: a no-brainer.

Alvin and the Chipmunks on set.

1. A Serious Man

Many thought the Coen Brothers had their work cut out for them in attempting to produce an entertaining film about a man who, for all intents and purposes, is serious. But they took the project very seriously, and made a serious movie on all accounts. A squeakquel has not yet been announced, but you can bet it won't be far off. Seriously, man.

A Sirius Black.

That was stupid. Goodnight everybody!

2009: A Year In Headlines

The past year provided us with a plethora of memorable events. Here's a quick recap of some of the biggest headlines of 2009:

11/27: TIGER WOODS INVOLVED IN CAR ACCIDENT

Nobody saw this one coming. On what seemed like a typical Thanksgiving, when most were coming down from a day of Iron Giant marathons and being yelled at for choosing careers in comedy, the world's greatest golfer decided to pull a Billy Joel and crash his car in a place where it's typically pretty difficult to have a car accident (an empty slow-speed residential neighborhood). Reports say it looked a little something like this...

...only way more boring and thus not worthy of appearing in such an exciting blog as this. Crashing the way Tiger did it is about a half-notch below running over your own foot on the "Don't I Feel Stupid" scale. That he was being chased around by his model wife with a 7-iron doesn't make it any better. In fact, I'm pretty sure it makes it worse.

12/11: TIGER WOODS HAS DONE IT WITH EVERYBODY

Nobody saw this one coming. After an initial affair with cocktail waitress Jamie Grubbs (apparently Tiger wanted more than just grub-- zing!), an onslaught of women came forward and admitted to having had affairs with the Wood, until it was realized that everyone has done it with the man. Waitresses, your girlfriend, Frances Conroy, your mother, and, if you're a girl, you. You have done it with Tiger Woods.

Odds are ten in ten that five of the above women have done it with Tiger Woods.

Picture source: Googling "women"

12/16/09: TIGER WOODS VOTED ATHLETE OF THE DECADE BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

Everybody saw this one coming. You've gotta be a good athlete to do it with all those ladies! Also, he's pretty solid at golfing.

Imagine that the pigs are women, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are other golfers, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are vampires, and the tiger is James Woods.

Now, because this blog post didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd originally hoped, here are some fun alternative names for Tiger Woods:

Lion Metals

Wildcat Forests

Tiger Uppercut

Here's to 2009! Let's hope we can do better next year! Or god willing, next post!