Lovely Bones Commentary, From the Lady Who Sat Next To Me At The Lovely Bones

Possible spoiler alert: Because these are all someone's actual reactions to watching the film, you may be able to infer certain parts of the story-- at least, the tone of certain parts. Please take this commentary to the theater with you, as it serves to expand upon much of what is seen in the film.

Title Credits

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Oh."

"Hm."

"Oh no."

"Oh no no no."

"Hm."

"Isn't that awful?"

"Hm."

"Tsk."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Tsk."

"Hm."

"Oh, I think those are the bones."

"Hm."

"Aw, shoot."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

"Hm."

End Credits

"That was a good one, that was a good one."

No response from Peter Jackson's camp if they'll be putting the commentary on the Lovely Bones initial Blu Ray release, or if they'll save it for the Lovelier Bones: Unrated edition.

The Five Best Movies of 2009

5. Watchmen

Many thought director Zack Snyder had his work cut out for him when he took on the task of bringing the most highly acclaimed graphic novel of all time (one believed to be unfilmable) to the big screen. But Watchmen was a smashing success and surpassed the simplistic nature of the original comic (the Family Circus of the 1980s, as it were), as Snyder told a complex story with absolute subtlety, no confusing or retarded crap that bogged on for days, and managed to give a computerized blue penis top billing without it becoming silly or distracting in the least. Audiences left the theaters wondering how those 162 minutes went by so fast, and especially didn't ask for their money back.

The reason this isn't higher on the list is because they occasionally wasted time not developing the character of the blue CGI wiener.

4. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Many thought director Michael Bay had his work cut out for him when he attempted a squeakquel to his 2007 critically acclaimed original film, Transformers. But Revenge is one of those rare squeakquels that surpasses the original in every way, elevating the franchise from one classic film to a Godfather-like epic work of art, filled with multi-dimensional characters, a subtle approach to action akin to Bay's earlier Bad Boys II, and an intricate and clever plot. Only where The Godfather got boring every now and then because they focused too much on killing horses and having abortions, Transformers 2 was SO COOL cuz they were like TRASNFORM! psshoo pshyoo! Bow bang! So cool.

Dimensions.

3. All About Steve
Many thought Sandra Bullock had her work cut out for her when she wanted to make an immediate squeakquel to The Proposal. But what if I told you that Sandra Bullock was gonna play against type and be a QUIRKY female lead. And what if I told you that she was gonna go against type again and wear RED BOOTS. 'Nuff said.

There's even a part later in the film where she has an UMBRELLA. 'Neff soid.

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Sequel
Many thought that Alvin and the Chipmunks had their work cut out for them when they wanted to make a sequel to their family-live-action-CGI-mix-thing movie debut. But those people were stupid, because Alvin and the Chipmunks are fictional characters so they wouldn't be making the movie. Also, making a sequel film where the female chipmunk counterparts sing high-pitched versions of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On" is like the Lumberjack Slam at Denny's: a no-brainer.

Alvin and the Chipmunks on set.

1. A Serious Man

Many thought the Coen Brothers had their work cut out for them in attempting to produce an entertaining film about a man who, for all intents and purposes, is serious. But they took the project very seriously, and made a serious movie on all accounts. A squeakquel has not yet been announced, but you can bet it won't be far off. Seriously, man.

A Sirius Black.

That was stupid. Goodnight everybody!

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 10/23/09

Being clever is hard. Let me tell you from experience. For instance: just today I was at Walgreens, and the lady working there was all "your card has been declined." It took me a minute, but I finally came up with a clever response: "You've been declined." Awesome. So movie critics, yet again let me do the cleverest part of your job for you: the movie review headline. Here they are for the releases this week:

Astr-Oh Boy!

Good Boy!

A Star is Boy!

Amelia Lands Right In Our Hearts!

I Am-elia Impressed!

She Disappeared! That Sucks!

Cirque du Two Stars Out Of Five!

Cirque du One Star Out Of Five!

Cirque du No Stars Out Of Five!

I Saw This Movie!

Saw'll Good!

Cirque du Saw Stars Out Of Five!

There you go critics! See you next week!

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 10/16/09

As usual, reviewers, feel free to use any of these. Just give me credit. And monies.

Where The Wild Things Are

You'll Go Wild For This Thing!

Where The Wild Things Are? More Like Where The Wild Fun Is!

This Is A Movie Based On A Book! Stars!

Where? Here! Is A Good Movie!

This Adaptation of Maurice Sendak's Children's Book Will Send-ak You A Message: That You'll Want Maur...ice!

Law Abiding Citizen

Abide By This: This Movie Stinks!

Abide By This: This Movie Rules!

Abide By This: This Movie Is Okay But Not Great But Still Sorta Okay If You Like This Kind Of Movie!

The Stepfather

Step Away From The Theatre-- We Got a Stinker!

If This Father Were Your Real Father, Then You'd Be The Child Of A Bad Movie And That's Impossible Because Movies Don't Procreate!

Stars! Just Kidding No Stars!

New York, I Love You

New York, I Love You... But Your Movie's A Stinker!

New York, New Stinker!

More Like New York, I Stinker You!

More Like New York, I Love Stinkers! No Wait I Don't Love Stinkers No Stars!

Black Dynamite

Dyn-o-mite!

I've Heard This Movie's Legit Good And I Would Like To See It If It Releases In AMC Theaters Because I Have Coupons There!

I can keep churning these out forever.

One-Word Summer Movie Reviews

I don't mean to gloat, but I'm sort of the UCB Comedy blog in-house movie reviewer. More by default than anything else, having written reviews of some of the bigger films of the past year. And since the summer movie season is now officially in full swing thanks to the release of Ice Age: Dawn of the Dead, I thought I'd give a quick rundown of the films to come out so far this summer. I'll try to be quick and just edit the lengthy, 500-word reviews I originally wrote down to one, the first word of each review (because any good reviewer knows their readers usually only read the first word anyway).

Up - Great...

The Hangover - Funny...

Terminator: Salvation - Robots...

Land of the Lost - Will...

Public Enemies - It's...

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Night...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Robots...

The Proposal - Tittynope...

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 - 1...

My Sister's Keeper - Robots...

So now you know what to go see. Have fun!

Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 5/29/09

Reviewers, feel free to use any of these. Just give me credit. And monies.

Up:

Two Thumps Up for Up

Head Down to the Theatre and See Up

Up Is Really Good, Guys!

Pixar's Future: Looking Up

I'm The One Reviewer Who's Gonna Say They Don't Like Up!


Drag Me To Hell:

Drag Yourself to the Theatre For This One

Drag Me to Hell Is No Drag

Drag Me To Hell Is Really Good, Guys!

One Hell of a Good Time

Drag Me To Hell is Video, With Sound and Actors!


Okuribito (Departures):

Take A Departure From Typical American Tripe For This Great Foreign Film!

Okuribito, Bite My Burrito!

This Movie Has Subtitles So You're Not Gonna See It No Matter What I Say

A Two-Minute Movie Review

There are only so many hours in a day, and you just want to know which movies are worth your time. So what's not to like about a two-minute movie review? This week's review is of the 1968 "classic," Planet of the Apes. For the two minutes, I chose to watch the last two minutes of the film. The following are my thoughts from when I was watching. Beware: minor spoiler alerts!

All right, he's on a beach. That's cool, good setting. What the heck is the Statue of Liberty doing there? That's supposed to be in New York. Major goof on the set designer's part. And why's that Moses guy so angry now? Of course you're on Earth, retard. What's the big deal? I'm on Earth every day and I don't fall on my knees and yell curse words all the time. Holy crap, those monkeys are wearing clothes!

To sum up, despite creative choices in locale and interesting use of animals, Planet of the Apes ultimately fails due to an extremely one-note performance by Charlton Heston (all he did was yell!) and major logical errors (I saw no reason why the protagonist would think he was on any planet other than the planet Earth). Planet of the Apes just doesn't hold up for today's audiences.

A Matty Smith Movie Review: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Disclaimer: Matty Smith does not have any expertise when it comes to film criticism, nor does he claim to. He will also say that Music and Lyrics and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead are both "pretty great movies." Just a little heads up so you know where he's coming from.

Whew. I was gonna write a review of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, but that disclaimer took a lot out of me, what with the switching back and forth between italics and whatnot. I'm almost not in the mood anymore. It was also in third person, and we all know that I wrote it, so that's pretty arrogant of me. I apologize for that.

A review would also include a lot of switching between italics and non-italics every time I had to say the title, and as I said I'm pretty winded on the typing/html front already. Not to mention the need to figure out the proper shortened title (Escape 2 Africa? M:E2A? Escape? Animal Movie? The One That is the First One After the First Madagascar?). We're all busy people with places to go. We don't need to read a movie review right now, especially when Rotten Tomatoes is out there.

To sum up, I really enjoyed the movie that I was talking about earlier. The first was awesome, what with the animals and David Schwimmer and that Borat guy and all, and I felt that the second was almost (if not just as) awesome. There were also a couple moments where I laughed pretty hard and the mothers of young children stared at me wondering why I was there, so that was good.

I give Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
Three and a Half Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas out of Five Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas.