What 2010 Has in Store... For YOU

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but I’ve spent some time using my brainwaves to activate an alien body on this mission that I don’t want to talk about.

It’s a new decade. That’s cool. I’m excited that this last decade was over, what with all the tragedy that happened, like NBC’s Coupling.

I have some predictions for you for 2010. Since I have déjà vu a lot, you can be pretty convinced that most of them will be right. I have, like, a million senses more than you, so trust me on this. Okay, buddy?!

Okay, here are some things that will happen in 2010 to you:

- You will go to the bathroom. It’s going to happen. Trust me. When you go to the bathroom, you’re going to be all like, “Oh my God. She was right.” And now when you go to the bathroom, you’re going to think of me. That’s okay. I’m used to it with me being magical and all.

- I will giggle as I type, “go to the bathroom.” When I was younger I used to think the phrase “go to the bathroom” was so funny because of “bathroom”. Since I am alone right now, I don’t feel any shame in laughing. Oh my God! I’m giggling right now. I’m letting out a good guffaw, if you will. I was right. My predictions are true. So there.

- You will do something with your body. The verb that you will do is tattooed on Lindsay Lohan’s wrist after she was in the hospital for an asthma attack.

- You are going to be impressed with my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s body adornment and medical history. Even if your brain is telling you I’m a loser, your heart is telling you I’m a genius.

- You will read this blog right now. It’s 2010 and you’re reading this blog so that means it will have happened so I’m totally right on my prediction of you reading this blog.

Done! That’s all my entire psychic eye is telling me right now. I’ll get back to you if I see anything else in the future. For now, Happy New Year!

2009: A Year In Headlines

The past year provided us with a plethora of memorable events. Here's a quick recap of some of the biggest headlines of 2009:

11/27: TIGER WOODS INVOLVED IN CAR ACCIDENT

Nobody saw this one coming. On what seemed like a typical Thanksgiving, when most were coming down from a day of Iron Giant marathons and being yelled at for choosing careers in comedy, the world's greatest golfer decided to pull a Billy Joel and crash his car in a place where it's typically pretty difficult to have a car accident (an empty slow-speed residential neighborhood). Reports say it looked a little something like this...

...only way more boring and thus not worthy of appearing in such an exciting blog as this. Crashing the way Tiger did it is about a half-notch below running over your own foot on the "Don't I Feel Stupid" scale. That he was being chased around by his model wife with a 7-iron doesn't make it any better. In fact, I'm pretty sure it makes it worse.

12/11: TIGER WOODS HAS DONE IT WITH EVERYBODY

Nobody saw this one coming. After an initial affair with cocktail waitress Jamie Grubbs (apparently Tiger wanted more than just grub-- zing!), an onslaught of women came forward and admitted to having had affairs with the Wood, until it was realized that everyone has done it with the man. Waitresses, your girlfriend, Frances Conroy, your mother, and, if you're a girl, you. You have done it with Tiger Woods.

Odds are ten in ten that five of the above women have done it with Tiger Woods.

Picture source: Googling "women"

12/16/09: TIGER WOODS VOTED ATHLETE OF THE DECADE BY ASSOCIATED PRESS

Everybody saw this one coming. You've gotta be a good athlete to do it with all those ladies! Also, he's pretty solid at golfing.

Imagine that the pigs are women, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are other golfers, and the tiger is Tiger Woods. Or imagine that the pigs are vampires, and the tiger is James Woods.

Now, because this blog post didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd originally hoped, here are some fun alternative names for Tiger Woods:

Lion Metals

Wildcat Forests

Tiger Uppercut

Here's to 2009! Let's hope we can do better next year! Or god willing, next post!

UCBcomedy.com, now with 200% more spiff!

Hey everyone! Check it out, in case you haven't already: UCBcomedy.com has a new look! It's easier on the eyes, funny comedy videos are easier to find, and maybe most importantly, now there's a link to the blog on the front page-- so you can bet your sweet bippy that we'll be updating with much greater regularity.

That's right, I pledge to load this very blog with a boatload more content, or I owe you one sweet bippy.

And while we're on the subject of newspapers, our latest original was featured in the New York Times. I apologize for the fact that you have to register to read the article, but you should probably be reading more anyway. How else will you know what Obama's up to?

And the Winner is... Me!

Well, according to the accurate and popular poll, it looks like yours truly beat out Bob McBobbob in the quest to find out who has the funniest video out of everyone in the entire world. Land of the Lost came in a very close, yet oh so far, second.

Well, I'd like to thank Matty for helping me to restore my confidence when it comes to the YouTube world. He also offered to have a pizza party in my honor, but I figured this is better.

World Awareness, 2/10/09

We Americans are often accused of a total lack of ignorance when it comes to what's going on in the rest of the world. Fear not, because I'm gonna prove that notion wrong through an intelligent and informed discussion of one of the day's world events. I'm also going to assume that you're American (or Canadian at the very least), because I'm pretty sure they don't have internet in the rest of the world.

Looking at the aptly titled "/world" section of CNN.com, it seems that the most significant story concerns a group of Amazon Indians who ate a farmer in Brazil. We all know the long story of the Kulina tribe, and as Americans we all have a strong grasp on the socio-political climate of rural Brazil, so I'm not going into that. And it goes without saying that we all feel the villagers have a right to be disappointed in the lack of response from FUNAI. Also, every American knows that there are "460,000 Indians in Brazil and 1,300 indian languages. There are 55 groups considered to live in isolation." So I see no reason for CNN.com to have felt the need to conclude their article with that.

The more pressing concern is that of the eight people named specifically in the article, five are cannibals. From this, it's pretty safe to conclude that 5 out of 8 non-Americans are cannibals. There's a man-eat-man outbreak of zombapocalyptic proportions out there, and we're doing very little to prepare for that day when some bird with a strain of the zombie virus in its blood makes its way to south Florida and bites a retiree, thereby setting off a wave of destruction, living dead, and mall inhabitance all across the continental United States. The United States needs to strengthen its immigration policies, now, especially when it concerns zombism. I'm not here to offer a solution-- there are smarter men than I for that. I just think that maybe we do need to be a little more aware of what's going on in the world around us. Because what's going on in the world around us, is zombies.

Liveblogging of Me Liveblogging

1:30 PM: There's a golden owl in the office and I'm thinking of creating a blog post that is from the owl's point of view and it would make fun of me as an intern. But then I decide that topic is a little too self-deprecating and would feed into my fear of turning into Joy Behar.

1:32 PM: I finish writing the previous sentence and I read some Jezebel to watch the 80th video they posted this morning from The View. Joy Behar talks about not knowing what a blowjob was until she was 25. Oh shit. I am turning into Joy Behar.

1:33 PM: I decide I should focus on this blog again because I'm afraid I'm getting adult ADHD. I take a sip of echinacea tea and turn my chair 15 degrees to stare at rolled up architectural plans and a pile of W2 forms.

1:35 PM: I realize that I spelled echinacea incorrectly in the previous post but it's not in my spellcheck on my computer so I decide to google it and correct it in the previous sentence.

1:36 PM: I realize I did spell echinacea correctly. Hm. I'm smarter than I think I am or at least more holistic than my computer.

1:38 PM: I go through what I've written so far and correct some minor grammatical errors. Then, I think about the time my mom fixed a bunch of grammatical errors when I was in sixth grade on my report on scarlet fever. I chose scarlet fever because I thought it sounded pretty because scarlet is a pretty word, don't you agree? Scarlet. I love the way it sounds.

1:42 PM: I've been saying the word "scarlet" aloud, by myself, for the past four minutes.

1:44 PM: Marlene comes into the office to make some copies and I tell her I'm liveblogging of me liveblogging. She's doesn't think it's as clever as I do. She makes some copies. Emily walks by and pushes the papers out of Marlene's hands. Emily tells me it's "Haze Marlene Day". I choose not to partake because...

1:47 PM: ...I click on facebook and see someone I went to high school with wrote 25 things about himself. In the title of his note he writes, "25 Things... I didn't want to do this, but everyone said I should." I think, "Shut up. You wanted to write 25 things about yourself since the day it first came around. Don't pretend that you don't like writing about yourself. You've been wanting to tell people your anecdote about your grandma going to secondary school with J.D. Salinger since you woke up one day and realized that was an anecdote."

1:50 PM: I decide now is a good stopping point for my liveblog. Marlene comes into the office to sit with me while she eats her lunch. I make a joke about giving her boyfriend a blow job.

1:51 PM: I ask Marlene if i can make a joke about giving her boyfriend a blow job in this blog post. She's cool with it.

1:53 PM: Holy shit. I realize that I'm no way like Joy Behar. My day gets better.

1:59 PM: I hit "post."

Obama Watch: Day One

Obama's been president for several hours now. Let's see how he's doing.

Okay, so I still don't have a job. Mr. Everything's slacking off a bit there. Price of gas? Same price as yesterday, when we were mired deep in the tyrannical Bush regime. Strike two, 'Bama Slamma. And as I walk out on the street, I see... nope, the sidewalks aren't made of gold. Just regular ol' concrete. Come on, Barack of Gibraltar. What the heck are you doing with your time?

So far, I give Obama's presidency a score of one "bark!" out of five. Let's hope he improves over the coming days.