Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.

Ugh!

We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

3.) "A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

My favorite comments on UCB Comedy's YouTube Page.

Have you been to UCB Comedy's YouTube Page? Not to brag or anything, but we're like YouTube gods. Like, we're supercool. So, beenerkeekee can go screw himself... which I think he can physically do because I believe he's a hermaphrodite.

What am I saying? Beenerkeekee is adorable. I'm sorry.

Anyway, some people leave hilarious comments on our YouTube videos and I feel as if i should share some them with you.

1.) I Washed My Hands!

- Someone asks "Is that Ethan Suplee in the background?" That's hilarious because it's not. It's Harrison Brown. As in Harrison Brown-Suplee. Ethan's identical twin brother.

2.) Ipod Shuffle

Someone says "just like ur mom." This isn't as funny as it is true. Yes, this internet video does resemble my mother. This comment is far from ambiguous or retarded because this user really understands every detail of my mother. Thank you for that, Mr. Commenter.

3.) Infomercial Date

Someone writes, "Makes you wonder...why the fuck are we paying NASA for all of this info crap. Can we cut them out of the national budget? I don't need a magic mop or a magic magic set or a tape recorder that can fit into the palm of my hand...all of that stuff was around when I was 2, but it was bigger, and suckier."

Yeah, fuck NASA! You, NASA, accidentally send teens into space and make them put their differences aside and work together to make it back to Earth. Fuck that shit.

I'll be adding some more YouTube comments later because it's my nap time right now.

For now, you can write some hilarious comments below.

Facebook Status Helper

Facebook is now unquestionably the most important social tool at one's disposal. It's where you'll solidify your friendship with the dude you met at the big party, it's where you'll brush up on your stalkee's favorite bands, and it's where you'll brag about insignificant things you'd feel stupid telling to someone's face. The key to absolute virtual friendship success, however, is in the Facebook status. Whether it's bragging about how lazy you are, defying grammatical logic, or just proclaiming nonsensical phrases that nobody (not even yourself) could possibly understand in an effort to come off as "thoughtful," you'd better have a solid status to survive this harsh digital environment. Nervous? Well, you're in luck. Here are some common facebook stati that are sure to work every time. Just pick one, and you'll be getting poked and tagged and superficially compared to others in no time.

<Your Name>...
...is too cool for school.
...is in it for the long haul.
...is procrastinating.
...zonked out.
...is CLASS CAN'T END SOON ENOUGH.
...is just misunderstood.
...has a sucky stepdad who sucks.
...is fly like paper, get high like planes, If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name.
...will never be too cool for school.
...blah.
...thinks you're great!
...CARBO-LOADING ;).
...got another parking ticket.
...is lonely, depressed, and crying out for help.
...is ruminating.
...SLEEP.
...is Ravens 36, Eagles 7.
...can't get enough ice cream!
...http://hampsterdance.com.
...hates facebook.
...is F@$%!
...is...
...NO ON PROP 8.
...is not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.
...is on a serious Mad Men streak!!!
...hearts Don Draper!
...is MAD MEN.
...passed away this morning due to exhaustion after a weekend Mad Men marathon. Please send your love and support to his mother at madmom85@aol.com.