OH MY GOD TWITTER IS DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

You guys.

Twitter is down right now.

Why is Twitter down right now? What am I going to do with myself now that Twitter is down right now?

Jesus Christ, what have I done before Twitter was ever invented? Oh God, I have no idea.

Light things on fire? Did I just consistently light things on fire before I knew I could just Tweet my anger instead using actual flames to metaphorically ignite it?

Oh geez, it's been two minutes I have no idea what kind of ice cream Arianna Huffington is going to treat herself after lunch today because today is obviously ice cream Tuesday over at Huffington Post Headquarters. I knew that from Twitter. But now I can't know things anymore. NATHAN FILLION - WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ADULT SWIM?!?!?!?

I'll never know...

I'll never know....

I'll just never ever never ever never ever-

Oh wait. Twitter's up and running now.

1960's Found Commercials

Uncovered from the depths of Proctor and Gamble and CSC Brands, comes never-before-seen commercials featuring the wheelers and dealers of the 1960's.







*Brought to you by the UCBTLA Maude Team, Paddington.

Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.

Ugh!

We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

3.) "A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

Entourage Recap!

Those of you who are hep to the pulse of the youth know that the Entourage season six premiere was last night. But maybe some of you were at the hospital, or maybe you got whisked away by Centauri to battle alongside the Rylan Star League against the insidious Ko-Dan Empire. Either way, you missed it. Bummer, bro! But fear not. I did have enough free time in my weekend to devote half an hour to Vinny Chase and Co., so just for you, here's a recap (along with recaps of the previous seasons, lest ye forgot):

Season One
The boys hang in LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when abundant success in the cruel Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Jeremy Piven puts in a breakout performance as Agent Ari Gold.

Season Two
The boys chillax in LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when rampant success in the heartless Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold continues to be one of the most entertaining characters in television.

Season Three
The boys have fun in LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when insanely accessible success in the cold Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Jeremy Piven proves Ari Gold can be a lasting character.

Season Four
The boys do stuff in LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when confusingly easy-to-achieve success in the merciless Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Jeremy Piven continues to do acting as Ari Gold.

Season Five
The boys romp around LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when now-its-just-ridiculous-that-would-never-happen success in the savage Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Jeremy Piven...still Ari Gold.

...and finally, the Season Six Premiere
The boys cause a ruckus in LA. They find their longstanding friendships strained when unavoidable success in the near-apocalyptic Hollywood world threatens to tear them apart. Ari Gold still does a great job of playing Agent Jeremy Piven.

So there you go! Hope you can make it next week, because I'm running out of synonyms! Hug it out!