On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of
Twilight, stopping to watch
True Blood, and then finishing
Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.
Ugh!
We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.
If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:
1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"
2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see
A Christmas Story or
Dumb and Dumber?"
3.) "
A Christmas Story and
Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from
Stuart Little 2?"
4.) "I don't know why I just said
The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said
Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."
5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."
6.) "Why are the ladies on
The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"
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