Movie Review Headline Suggestions: 10/23/09

Being clever is hard. Let me tell you from experience. For instance: just today I was at Walgreens, and the lady working there was all "your card has been declined." It took me a minute, but I finally came up with a clever response: "You've been declined." Awesome. So movie critics, yet again let me do the cleverest part of your job for you: the movie review headline. Here they are for the releases this week:

Astr-Oh Boy!

Good Boy!

A Star is Boy!

Amelia Lands Right In Our Hearts!

I Am-elia Impressed!

She Disappeared! That Sucks!

Cirque du Two Stars Out Of Five!

Cirque du One Star Out Of Five!

Cirque du No Stars Out Of Five!

I Saw This Movie!

Saw'll Good!

Cirque du Saw Stars Out Of Five!

There you go critics! See you next week!

Where The Emo Things Are

Where The Wild Things Are debuted this past weekend and, if you're anything like me, you think it's okay to eat pizza for dinner two nights in a row. Also, you may have seen Where The Wild Things Are, based on the classic children's book, with a story primarily revolving around a James Gandolfini monster and his monster friends crying, hitting things in frustration, and generally being sad all the time. Sure, it all takes place in a depressed kid's imagination, but that doesn't undo the fact that they all act in a manner befitting a 13-year-old that insists he's just not "understood."

The "Wild Things" dance to the latest My Chemical Romance album.

But director Spike Jonze ("z" instead of "s" because z's are cooler, and "z" before "e" because dyslexia's also cool) can't shoulder all the blame, because the Tony Soprano monster and company are far from the first screen horrors that just need to take a chill pill and cut the whining.

King Kong was on his way to mainstream success as a celebrity, but instead got all mad when people starting snapping pictures of him (likely because they weren't moody monochromatic close-ups for his MySpace profile) and went on a whiny rampage through the city which ended with him dying the most melodramatically theatrical death of all, being shot down by tiny planes and falling off the top of the Empire State Building. Really, dude? Was refusing to sell out really worth it?

"I do this for the art, Dad!"

Dracula has pale skin, dresses all in black, and only rarely goes outside and only at night. He's like the sole inspiration for Hot Topic, and I half expect him to pop out of his coffin one morning wearing a glow-in-the-dark Misfits shirt or an ironic Thundercats tee. We know you didn't watch Thundercats as a kid, Drac. Take off that tee. As for why Dracula's more emo than goth, well, he's a rich dude whose thirst is never satisfied with a voice that sounds on the verge of tears at all times. Not only that, but he's all about crummy dinner parties where he makes everyone watch his grand entrance on a staircase. Attention-hound. Quit using eyeball-hypnosis to make people be your friends, Dracula, and join a youth soccer league or something.

You didn't play Battletoads, Dracula. Don't act like you played Battletoads.

Since the Phantom of the Opera lived in an opera house, his music of choice was playing slow organ ballads and likely half-committed In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida covers where he'd give up just a quarter of the way through. Just imagine if he'd been haunting a Tower Records-- you'd hear nothing but Fall Out Boy and Coheed and Cambria. Sure, the phantom was born deformed, and that's sad. But he also had an incredible singing voice, and instead of embracing his gift and using upheaval of false expectations to his advantage (a la Susan Boyle, or Joey Ramone), he seized a construction-related accident at the opera house (apparently he was one of the original builders) as an opportunity to live in the catacombs beneath and basically pretend to haunt the place. Really, he just should have negotiated better worker's comp. Phantom seems like the kind of guy who'd "just know" exactly what people would say about him before he'd do anything, so he wouldn't even try.

"I just want to be left alone, so I'm gonna make lots of noise and jump in the way of your plays and sneak into your bedroom at night and start a blog and stuff! But leave me alone!"

Basically, inherent to monsterdom is an intense emotional overreaction to being put down in some way, which typically includes lots of hitting, yelling, and general violence where a normal person would have found a more talk-based way of solving the issues. Well, at least they're all better than Godzilla. That bleeding heart environmental activist could never get enough attention, but instead of just joining Greenpeace, he's killed thousands of people and has been fighting giant moths and robot versions of himself for more than fifty years.

CAN YOU SPARE A MOMENT TO HELP SAVE THE WHALES?!?

100 Posts!

This is UCB Comedy's 100th post. Yay!

It's totally crazy. A sequel to Drag Me to Hell is already in the works. Some of it has even been shot and guess what people? You can watch it right here!

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 2: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

If you missed Chapter One of Vampire Thanksgiving, check it out by clicking here before continuing. As it is a two-chapter epic, this will be the final chapter of Vampire Thanksgiving. I would like to thank all of my faithful readers. I love you all. The months of planning, writing, and revising were not in vain.

Chapter Two
Bella was sad because her boyfriend left her, and that makes sense because that's really sad and we've all been there. She went on her Facebook and clicked reluctantly on the "Remove Relationship" button. To top it all off the internet was out and she couldn't fix it because her stepdad was the only one who knew how to fix it and he was dead.

Edward was walking down the street when he heard a sound emanating from some bushes over there. Hmm, how very curious, he pondered to himself in his mind. So he went to the bushes and all of a sudden Buffy the Vampire Slayer jumped out. She was just about to kill him when he explained to her that he was actually one of the good vampires.

"I'm one of the good vampires," he explained.

"Okay good. Say, you're cute, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?" Buffy asked Edward out.

Edward wasn't sure what to do, but he knew that he and Bella were on a break so he went on the coffee date with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They went to Central Perk and Ross and Rachel were there, ironically. Then they went to Buffy's house and made out a lot but Edward pulled away.

"I can't do this... I love Bella," cried Edward into the raging night winds. He bid Buffy adieu and set out for Bella's place.

But when he got there, who did he find but Edgar, making out with Bella, ironically!

"Stop now! I love Bella!" Edward yelled again into the raging night winds. Edgar and Bella stopped the hot makeout sesh they were having.

"Is that true?" responded Bella with chagrin.

"I'm pretty sure. But who knows what love is?" asked Edward. Bella sighed because Edward was so smart and broody.

"No! This can't be!" lamented Edgar, whose body burst into flames, because true love was his one weakness.

Edward smiled at Bella with his vampire teeth, which actually look just like normal people teeth, because vampires don't have vampire teeth in Twilight. They went inside, made out a few times, and then ate their Thanksgiving dinner. Bella ate turkey, and Edward ate Tru Blood because he was a vampire.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever read," said Becky from outside the window. But nobody listens to her because she's retarded. Plus, she was just jealous because she wishes she could make out with Edward.

The End!

Special thanks to Brooke Seguin for canonical accuracies.

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 1: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

Note to literary agents: This story was written by Matthew Thomas Smith. He may be reached by clicking here. Please include "I would like to represent you" in the subject line.

Chapter One
"I would like you to come have Thanksgiving with my family," proclaimed Bella, because she liked him.

"I don't know if I should because I am a vampire..." responded Edward, because he was worried that Bella's stepdad would not like that he was a vampire.

"I don't care what my parents think because I love you," explained Bella, then she hugged him and felt her head feel warm on his chest.

"Okay I love you too, and I will hide that I am a vampire so that they don't know," announced Edward.

So they went to Bella's parents' house for Thanksgiving. Edward's vampire teeth chattered a lot because he was nervous about being a vampire and Bella's mom made garlic dip and vampires die if they eat garlic. It was okay though because he just ate the crackers but no dip.

Then there was a part where Bella's stepdad posited, "Want a bite?" Edward got more nervous because he thought he was talking about biting people, but then he realized that he wasn't talking about him being a vampire and he was just talking about Thanksgiving dinner.

CRACK! There was a loud noise and Edgar, an evil vampire that used to be friends with Edward, broke through the wall and pieces of concrete flew into Bella's stepdad and killed him. Bella's mom died too.

"Not again today!" pronounced Edward, because in the past Edgar had messed up Thanksgiving before and killed everyone.

"No. I have a secret. I am your vampire brother," elucidated Edgar, "And now we have to fight because there can be only one. I will make you not thankful for this Thanksgiving!"

They fought and Edgar was really strong. Edward punched and kicked with all his might, and sweat was all over and his shirt tore in a way that Bella thought was really sexy, and finally he was able to knock Edgar so hard that Edgar flew really far, and Edgar got scared and ran away. Bella woke up from being knocked out earlier.

"Edward you did it! I love you!" vociferated Bella, and she hugged him. They kissed and did it for lots of time. But Edward scowled later on.

"I am a vampire and this is too dangerous. Your parents got killed. I am going to leave you, even though it's really sad," mitigated Edward. And then he super-jumped out of the room.

End of Chapter One

To Be Continued...?