Cats vs. Dolphins

The following is the first in a series of ecologically educational essays that the Discovery Channel will option for a series (with cool zooms and Richard Attenborough's voice), or Animal Planet (with cheap lens effects and Zach Braff's voice) if it's not good enough for that. Matty Smith has no formal education on animals, but he likes animals and animal shows a lot.

Cats. Dolphins. What do we really know about these animals? Most resign themselves to these strange foreign creatures remaining a mystery. But walk with me please, as I take you into the world of...

Cats vs. Dolphins

A Tale of Survival

The biggest question one has when thinking of cats and dolphins-- scientifically known as felines and flippers, respectively-- is what is the difference between cats and dolphins? That's a good question, and you did a good job asking it.

1. Cats live on land, dolphins live in water
Despite their furry outer shell, cats are surprisingly not fit for water living. This is mainly due to them having lungs and not being able to put goggles on. Dolphins, juxtapositorally, don't have hands so they wouldn't be able to open doors, so they live underwater where there are no doors.

2. Cats go "meow," dolphins go "eh-ee-eh-ee-eh-eh-eh"
Being raised on cartoons and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, most Americans believe that cats and dolphins can speak perfect English. However, research suggests that both animals possess harsh accents that make their English almost completely unintelligible. Instead their speech just sounds like weird gibberish, and it's frustrating to play Apples to Apples with either species.

3. Cats eat tuna, dolphins tragically get mixed in with tuna sometimes"
We've all laughed really hard when Heathcliff reaches for that grocer's fish, but unfunnier than Heathcliff rip-off Garfield is the fact that dolphins get so interested in life on land that they often attempt to hop in a Norwegian fisherman's net just so they can snag a ride to the over world, and it turn out to be much more than they bargained for. Most marine astrologists hypothesize that this is because they've seen Splash too many times, or its Garfieldian rip-off The Little Mermaid.

4. Cats are mammals, dolphins are fish
This one's pretty straightforward.

5. Both are jerks.
If you own a cat, you're probably pretty bummed. Likewise, if you've ever swum with dolphins, your swumming experience was probably a big letdown. That's because both of these animals, as the intellectual low points for their respective animal classes (mammal and fish, see #4), are dumb and jealous of the fact that humans know how to program VCRs and cook TGI Friday's appetizers in microwaves. Cats and dolphins are jerk animals, who'd be all too okay with finishing the last Diet Coke in the office fridge without refilling, or blurting out inappopriate comments about your lifestyle to your parents at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

I don't buy this for a second.

Walk with me on this ancient rock point, as that concludes our tour of the animal kingdom, or kingdo anime in science language. Please pass on to your friends this vast array of knowledge, especially if they work for the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet, but preferably the Discovery Channel.

Kids Are My Favorite

Seriously. They're awesome, and what they make is usually a million times funnier and more brilliant than what I can come up with. To wit: these two videos, made by the children of Amey Goerlich's five-year-old film production class. That's a production class for five-year-olds, not a production class that's been going on for five years. The videos:


Penguin Scientist:



Lost Ice Cream Pitch Meeting:



See? Amazing.

Late Friday Night Fun Fact

Question: What does Howard the Duck creator Steve Gerber cite as his main inspiration for the talking alien duck?


Answer: Albert Camus' pseudo-existential 1942 novel The Stranger. Seriously


And now you know! Share it with your friends!

A Two-Minute Movie Review

There are only so many hours in a day, and you just want to know which movies are worth your time. So what's not to like about a two-minute movie review? This week's review is of the 1968 "classic," Planet of the Apes. For the two minutes, I chose to watch the last two minutes of the film. The following are my thoughts from when I was watching. Beware: minor spoiler alerts!

All right, he's on a beach. That's cool, good setting. What the heck is the Statue of Liberty doing there? That's supposed to be in New York. Major goof on the set designer's part. And why's that Moses guy so angry now? Of course you're on Earth, retard. What's the big deal? I'm on Earth every day and I don't fall on my knees and yell curse words all the time. Holy crap, those monkeys are wearing clothes!

To sum up, despite creative choices in locale and interesting use of animals, Planet of the Apes ultimately fails due to an extremely one-note performance by Charlton Heston (all he did was yell!) and major logical errors (I saw no reason why the protagonist would think he was on any planet other than the planet Earth). Planet of the Apes just doesn't hold up for today's audiences.

A Matty Smith Movie Review: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Disclaimer: Matty Smith does not have any expertise when it comes to film criticism, nor does he claim to. He will also say that Music and Lyrics and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead are both "pretty great movies." Just a little heads up so you know where he's coming from.

Whew. I was gonna write a review of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, but that disclaimer took a lot out of me, what with the switching back and forth between italics and whatnot. I'm almost not in the mood anymore. It was also in third person, and we all know that I wrote it, so that's pretty arrogant of me. I apologize for that.

A review would also include a lot of switching between italics and non-italics every time I had to say the title, and as I said I'm pretty winded on the typing/html front already. Not to mention the need to figure out the proper shortened title (Escape 2 Africa? M:E2A? Escape? Animal Movie? The One That is the First One After the First Madagascar?). We're all busy people with places to go. We don't need to read a movie review right now, especially when Rotten Tomatoes is out there.

To sum up, I really enjoyed the movie that I was talking about earlier. The first was awesome, what with the animals and David Schwimmer and that Borat guy and all, and I felt that the second was almost (if not just as) awesome. There were also a couple moments where I laughed pretty hard and the mothers of young children stared at me wondering why I was there, so that was good.

I give Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
Three and a Half Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas out of Five Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas.