What 2010 Has in Store... For YOU

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but I’ve spent some time using my brainwaves to activate an alien body on this mission that I don’t want to talk about.

It’s a new decade. That’s cool. I’m excited that this last decade was over, what with all the tragedy that happened, like NBC’s Coupling.

I have some predictions for you for 2010. Since I have déjà vu a lot, you can be pretty convinced that most of them will be right. I have, like, a million senses more than you, so trust me on this. Okay, buddy?!

Okay, here are some things that will happen in 2010 to you:

- You will go to the bathroom. It’s going to happen. Trust me. When you go to the bathroom, you’re going to be all like, “Oh my God. She was right.” And now when you go to the bathroom, you’re going to think of me. That’s okay. I’m used to it with me being magical and all.

- I will giggle as I type, “go to the bathroom.” When I was younger I used to think the phrase “go to the bathroom” was so funny because of “bathroom”. Since I am alone right now, I don’t feel any shame in laughing. Oh my God! I’m giggling right now. I’m letting out a good guffaw, if you will. I was right. My predictions are true. So there.

- You will do something with your body. The verb that you will do is tattooed on Lindsay Lohan’s wrist after she was in the hospital for an asthma attack.

- You are going to be impressed with my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s body adornment and medical history. Even if your brain is telling you I’m a loser, your heart is telling you I’m a genius.

- You will read this blog right now. It’s 2010 and you’re reading this blog so that means it will have happened so I’m totally right on my prediction of you reading this blog.

Done! That’s all my entire psychic eye is telling me right now. I’ll get back to you if I see anything else in the future. For now, Happy New Year!

OH MY GOD TWITTER IS DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

You guys.

Twitter is down right now.

Why is Twitter down right now? What am I going to do with myself now that Twitter is down right now?

Jesus Christ, what have I done before Twitter was ever invented? Oh God, I have no idea.

Light things on fire? Did I just consistently light things on fire before I knew I could just Tweet my anger instead using actual flames to metaphorically ignite it?

Oh geez, it's been two minutes I have no idea what kind of ice cream Arianna Huffington is going to treat herself after lunch today because today is obviously ice cream Tuesday over at Huffington Post Headquarters. I knew that from Twitter. But now I can't know things anymore. NATHAN FILLION - WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ADULT SWIM?!?!?!?

I'll never know...

I'll never know....

I'll just never ever never ever never ever-

Oh wait. Twitter's up and running now.

Other Crises Vampires Can Have

On Sunday, I made the smart choice of watching the first half of Twilight, stopping to watch True Blood, and then finishing Twilight. I love vampires. They are sexy and mysterious, but it seems like all of them suffer from the same crisis: they don't want to hurt other humans but they have to drink a human's blood in order to survive.

Ugh!

We get it! Your torn. You're a vampire with humanity. Can we please see something new? I think the real vampires out there are becoming angry that they are being portrayed as one-dimensional. I am sure vampires have a plethora of other crises and dilemmas besides the thirst for blood and being in love with a human at the same time.

If I were to create a vampire character (a male one, mind you), his emotional torture would consist of this:

1.) "I still crave hamburgers. It was my favorite food when I was alive and sometimes I still crave it. Is that weird? Am I, like, a weird vampire with different DNA from everyone else?"

2.) "No, Bella/Sookie! Don't lick me! I'm frozen and dead and cold. No. Oh shit. Your tongue is stuck on my body now. Didn't you ever see A Christmas Story or Dumb and Dumber?"

3.) "A Christmas Story and Dumb and Dumber are my favorite movies. What if the other vampires don't like me because of that? Should I lie and say that my favorite movie is The Little Vampire starring that kid from Stuart Little 2?"

4.) "I don't know why I just said The Little Vampire. It was the first vampire movie that came to mind. I should've said Nosferatu but I get really self-conscious saying it in front of other people because I never think I'm pronouncing it correctly."

5.) "I hate it when my fangs come out and my mouth is closed. It just creeps up on me. I have these sores in my mouth and all day my tongue wants to touch them. It's so bothersome that it just ruins my day. I have a horrible case of OCD."

6.) "Why are the ladies on The View so bat-crazy? And why can I not stop watching it?"

My Top Five Favorite Pranks on UCBComedy.com

5.) Sexual Negotation from Crossballs. My favorite kinds of pranks are when someone having nothing to do with the prank says or does something totally outrageous. For example, when I was in Boston, there was this guy I used to talk to at a bar called Remingtons. (There's your shout-out!) I pulled one of those I'm-going-to-tap-your-left-shoulder-but-really-I'm-on-the-right-side-of-you moves and the guy I did that to got so shocked that he pulled out a gun and shot me in the foot. It was such a spontaneous moment, I couldn't help but laugh. I still giggle every time I shower and see that bullet lodged in my foot. In this episode, Mary Birdsong pisses off a career woman for not using her body to get ahead in the workplace. However, another guest on the show, a reverend (not an actor), says some of the most outrageous, sexist things, that even a hardcore feminist would say, "Ok. That's pretty fucking hilarious."

4.) ImprovEverywhere's Chekov Prank. Yes, I was a theater major which is one of the reasons why I love this video so much. You know that douchebag who acts smart in front of other people but in reality is so dumb? This one is for them.

3.) Suicide Prank. Another gem from ImprovEverywhere. Will Hines plays a man about to jump... from a ledge that's about a foot high. What's great about this prank is that it's not only funny, but it brought a community together and makes you really appreciate life. I'm actually crying right now. Seriously crying.

2.) Vertigo. Can I put one more ImprovEverywhere in here? Yes I can. It's my post. ImprovEverywhere sets up a fake U2 concert in this prank, which is arguably the post publicized scene they have ever caused. I feel like this one brought ImprovEverywhere into everyone's consciousness and if I'm wrong... then... fuck you, it's really Bono up there.

1.) Child Prodigy Prank. It was really hard to pick my number one, but after thinking about it I had to go with this one. Matt Besser and Amy Poehler pretend to be parents of a musical prodigy and have a meeting with a school for gifted children. Their son's instrument? Playing songs on a touchtone phone. How they managed to keep straight faces is beyond me. Maybe the next time I pull a prank, I shouldn't bring along a professional tickler.

What are your favorites?

(Aprils Fools! I don't care. )

(Just kidding, I do.)

This Doesn't Really Have an Overall Theme, Per Se...

A few stores down from UCBTLA, there's a coffee shop known as the Bourgeois Pig. There's a lot of controversy over this place because around 5 pm, the slow motion shift takes place.

Needless to say, since it's East Coast weather out today, I'm freezing and went to buy myself a cup of tea. Every time you buy tea there, the barista always warns you that it's "really hot".

Cut to me, two seconds later, knocking the lid off of the cup and scalding hot water splattering over my innocent baby hands. This is the worst burn I ever felt. And I got a second degree burn from an Easy Bake Oven before. (That was the day I learned that Easy Bake Ovens aren't kilns and year-old rubber cement isn't clay.)

That's not what I was going to write about today. Yesterday was my birthday and I'm still a little drunk and I've been having weird thoughts all morning. As I was walking to work, I saw the fattest pigeons huddling outside a grocery store. There's an epidemic of obese pigeons and that makes me sad.

You know what else makes me sad? Kids on drugs. I loved every moment of Cannibal Holocaust except for the part when that guy blows cocaine into that boy's nose. That's wrong. I also am not a fan of David After the Dentist. That kid is freaking out. Put the camera down and give him a hug. I think anyone who has ever had a bad high before knows what it's like to freak out and the last thing you need is for your own parent to tape you. Instead, they should pour peanut M&M's into a bag of Sun Chips and feed it to you in the form of two M&M's to every Sun Chip.

However, UCB's own Chris Kula uploaded this video to UCBComedy and suddenly I've found myself being very forgiving of most cases of child abuse.

Watch it. Or I'll pour scalding hot water on you really slowly.

Late Friday Night Fun Fact

Question: What does Howard the Duck creator Steve Gerber cite as his main inspiration for the talking alien duck?


Answer: Albert Camus' pseudo-existential 1942 novel The Stranger. Seriously


And now you know! Share it with your friends!