Things I am Thankful for on UCBComedy.com

You know, I'm not going to respond to Matty's claim that I am retarded because I am just too thankful.

I'm so thankful I'm not crying over any hurtful words. I am so thankful that I'm not brooding with anger over Matty's highly inaccurate Twilight fan fiction. I'm so thankful that I forgot about the fact that I didn't pack any panties on my trip to NJ so I had to take old leotards from my childhood ballet class and cut them apart to avoid being commando in front of my bubby later tonight.

Here are some things on ucbcomedy.com that I'm thankful for:

1.) The State Reunion

2.) Mythbusters

3.) Dracula has AIDS

4.) Freak Dance in the Streets!

5.) Funny Cats

6.) M.Y.R.K.L. Aaah! You guys don't know what M.Y.R.K.L. is yet! You will soon. This is the only thing I can tell you:

M.Y.R.K.L. is coming! Stay tuned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 2: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

If you missed Chapter One of Vampire Thanksgiving, check it out by clicking here before continuing. As it is a two-chapter epic, this will be the final chapter of Vampire Thanksgiving. I would like to thank all of my faithful readers. I love you all. The months of planning, writing, and revising were not in vain.

Chapter Two
Bella was sad because her boyfriend left her, and that makes sense because that's really sad and we've all been there. She went on her Facebook and clicked reluctantly on the "Remove Relationship" button. To top it all off the internet was out and she couldn't fix it because her stepdad was the only one who knew how to fix it and he was dead.

Edward was walking down the street when he heard a sound emanating from some bushes over there. Hmm, how very curious, he pondered to himself in his mind. So he went to the bushes and all of a sudden Buffy the Vampire Slayer jumped out. She was just about to kill him when he explained to her that he was actually one of the good vampires.

"I'm one of the good vampires," he explained.

"Okay good. Say, you're cute, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?" Buffy asked Edward out.

Edward wasn't sure what to do, but he knew that he and Bella were on a break so he went on the coffee date with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They went to Central Perk and Ross and Rachel were there, ironically. Then they went to Buffy's house and made out a lot but Edward pulled away.

"I can't do this... I love Bella," cried Edward into the raging night winds. He bid Buffy adieu and set out for Bella's place.

But when he got there, who did he find but Edgar, making out with Bella, ironically!

"Stop now! I love Bella!" Edward yelled again into the raging night winds. Edgar and Bella stopped the hot makeout sesh they were having.

"Is that true?" responded Bella with chagrin.

"I'm pretty sure. But who knows what love is?" asked Edward. Bella sighed because Edward was so smart and broody.

"No! This can't be!" lamented Edgar, whose body burst into flames, because true love was his one weakness.

Edward smiled at Bella with his vampire teeth, which actually look just like normal people teeth, because vampires don't have vampire teeth in Twilight. They went inside, made out a few times, and then ate their Thanksgiving dinner. Bella ate turkey, and Edward ate Tru Blood because he was a vampire.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever read," said Becky from outside the window. But nobody listens to her because she's retarded. Plus, she was just jealous because she wishes she could make out with Edward.

The End!

Special thanks to Brooke Seguin for canonical accuracies.

My Thanksgiving

Man, I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving! That's right. I'm leaving my cosmopolitan lifestyle in the big city and heading back to NJ, pretending it's against my will.

Here's what will happen:

I get off the airplane and I'll be on my BlackBerry discussing powerpoints and business deals with Japan. I'll notice a text message from my boyfriend, who is also my boss, breaking up with me. I freak out in the middle of the terminal. People around me look at me like I'm a crazy woman who happens to have it all because my outfit is from J Crew. I accidentally drop my BlackBerry and someone with a wheelie suitcase runs over it.

"What the fuck, you asshole! You ran over my Blackberry. My life is ruined!" I scream.

The person holding the suitcase turns around. Oh no. It's the artistic guy from high school that I had a crush on. He's now a self-sufficient carpenter who's love life is ruined because he's just too sincere. Our eyes meet. We have a moment. I apologize and he says, "Welcome back to New Jersey. Maybe I'll see you around."

He winks and walks away.

What a weird couple of minutes.

I see my dad in his pickup waiting for me outside. He's wearing the same trucker hat he used to wear when we played games of one-on-one basketball at the YMCA. He always understood me the most.

We drive back to my childhood home that has some quirk like plastic on the couches or tiny figurines from Disney World that are Mickey Mouse dressed up as all of the presidents of the United States.

My mom gives me a big hug and says something like, "When are you gonna give me grandbabies?" I see my older sister and her attractive husband. She says something demeaning like, "How's your work life doing? Did your vagina freeze up yet?" I smile and nod and say hello to my two blond-haired nieces. They hang on to my legs and I tumble over a little knocking over the glass of wine on the mantel. Man, I'm so clumsy.

Dinner is delicious. My mother makes more comments about me not getting married or having any babies. My sister makes a remark about how my life is all work, work, work and I storm from the table.

I drive my father's stick-shift pickup truck, which is hilarious because what career-woman in the city drives stick? There's a sequence of wonky driving. I head over to the basketball court at the YMCA to let out some steam. But I'm not alone.

Oh no.

The guy from earlier who's suitcase ran over my BlackBerry is there. We play a game of one-on-one. I beat him. He's surprised. He tells me that he's always had a crush on me since high school. We gaze into each other's eyes once again.

I look on the other side of the gym and see my now ex-boyfriend enter. Oh no. He says he's flown all day to see me and to apologize and tell me that he doesn't want to break up.

Is this what I want?

The carpenter guy smiles and wishes us congratulations. He walks away with his head down.

I take my ex-ex-boyfriend back home and introduce him to my family, even my sister who I'm still really peeved at.

We go sleep.

In the middle of the night, I notice that my ex-ex is not in bed next to me. I put on my bathrobe and quietly walk downstairs. I see the ex-ex and my sister in the kitchen... KISSING!

I scream out, "What the fuck, you guys?!!"

The lights go on in the house and the entire family comes downstairs to see all of the commotion. My mom's hair is in rollers.

My brother-in-law asks what happened. My sister looks at me and in her eyes I read, "Please don't say anything."

Despite our disagreements, we do have a sisterly bond. I have to be there for her. She's my sister.

I say, "My ex-ex is putting the moves on my sister!"

My dad kicks my ex-ex out on his ass and tells him to leave. The ex-ex deserves that. He's a douchebag. He's now just my ex again.

My dad sits me down and says that I deserve a good man and that he's proud of me. He makes me feel better about my life.

The rest of Thanksgiving weekend turns out to be fun. I get along well with my sister and I tell her that she should patch things up with her husband and not cheat on him anymore. She says I'm right and then together we say, "Men, right?" We giggle and eat Yoplait.

Dad drives me back to the airport and I give him a big hug. This was the best life-changing weekend of my life.

As I'm boarding the plane I hear a voice:

"Becky! Becky! Wait!"

I turn around.

It's him. The carpenter. My high school crush who may or may not be the love of my life.

He screams out, "Becky! Don't go! I love you!"

I drop my bags and run to him.

"I love you, too!"

We embrace and have the longest kiss of our lives. Everyone around us at the airport clap and suddenly believe in true love.

And THAT will be my Thanksgiving.

Facebook Status Helper

Facebook is now unquestionably the most important social tool at one's disposal. It's where you'll solidify your friendship with the dude you met at the big party, it's where you'll brush up on your stalkee's favorite bands, and it's where you'll brag about insignificant things you'd feel stupid telling to someone's face. The key to absolute virtual friendship success, however, is in the Facebook status. Whether it's bragging about how lazy you are, defying grammatical logic, or just proclaiming nonsensical phrases that nobody (not even yourself) could possibly understand in an effort to come off as "thoughtful," you'd better have a solid status to survive this harsh digital environment. Nervous? Well, you're in luck. Here are some common facebook stati that are sure to work every time. Just pick one, and you'll be getting poked and tagged and superficially compared to others in no time.

<Your Name>...
...is too cool for school.
...is in it for the long haul.
...is procrastinating.
...zonked out.
...is CLASS CAN'T END SOON ENOUGH.
...is just misunderstood.
...has a sucky stepdad who sucks.
...is fly like paper, get high like planes, If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name.
...will never be too cool for school.
...blah.
...thinks you're great!
...CARBO-LOADING ;).
...got another parking ticket.
...is lonely, depressed, and crying out for help.
...is ruminating.
...SLEEP.
...is Ravens 36, Eagles 7.
...can't get enough ice cream!
...http://hampsterdance.com.
...hates facebook.
...is F@$%!
...is...
...NO ON PROP 8.
...is not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.
...is on a serious Mad Men streak!!!
...hearts Don Draper!
...is MAD MEN.
...passed away this morning due to exhaustion after a weekend Mad Men marathon. Please send your love and support to his mother at madmom85@aol.com.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch from Kevin Pedersen, one of the UCBTLA's top writers and a member of Harold (improv) team Panama.

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 1: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

Note to literary agents: This story was written by Matthew Thomas Smith. He may be reached by clicking here. Please include "I would like to represent you" in the subject line.

Chapter One
"I would like you to come have Thanksgiving with my family," proclaimed Bella, because she liked him.

"I don't know if I should because I am a vampire..." responded Edward, because he was worried that Bella's stepdad would not like that he was a vampire.

"I don't care what my parents think because I love you," explained Bella, then she hugged him and felt her head feel warm on his chest.

"Okay I love you too, and I will hide that I am a vampire so that they don't know," announced Edward.

So they went to Bella's parents' house for Thanksgiving. Edward's vampire teeth chattered a lot because he was nervous about being a vampire and Bella's mom made garlic dip and vampires die if they eat garlic. It was okay though because he just ate the crackers but no dip.

Then there was a part where Bella's stepdad posited, "Want a bite?" Edward got more nervous because he thought he was talking about biting people, but then he realized that he wasn't talking about him being a vampire and he was just talking about Thanksgiving dinner.

CRACK! There was a loud noise and Edgar, an evil vampire that used to be friends with Edward, broke through the wall and pieces of concrete flew into Bella's stepdad and killed him. Bella's mom died too.

"Not again today!" pronounced Edward, because in the past Edgar had messed up Thanksgiving before and killed everyone.

"No. I have a secret. I am your vampire brother," elucidated Edgar, "And now we have to fight because there can be only one. I will make you not thankful for this Thanksgiving!"

They fought and Edgar was really strong. Edward punched and kicked with all his might, and sweat was all over and his shirt tore in a way that Bella thought was really sexy, and finally he was able to knock Edgar so hard that Edgar flew really far, and Edgar got scared and ran away. Bella woke up from being knocked out earlier.

"Edward you did it! I love you!" vociferated Bella, and she hugged him. They kissed and did it for lots of time. But Edward scowled later on.

"I am a vampire and this is too dangerous. Your parents got killed. I am going to leave you, even though it's really sad," mitigated Edward. And then he super-jumped out of the room.

End of Chapter One

To Be Continued...?

Thursday is the new CATURDAY

Look, I know what you've all been thinking: when are they gonna show us the CAT VIDEOS? Well, you can stop sending e-mails by the thousand and picketing outside the theater, because today is your lucky day.

That's right, this Thursday CATURDAY I'm going to show you the best cat sketches UCB has to offer, which also happen to be the best cat sketches in the history of the internet.

1. Funny Cats!
Do you have a love/hate relationship with the animal voiceover guy from America's Funniest Home Videos? Then this sketch is for you. Oh, you don't? This sketch is still for you.


2. Cat News: Broadcast 2
Because there aren't enough talk shows out there that feature cats interviewing lesbians.


3. Cat Bath Chronicles
If there was a Feline Comedy Hall of Fame, this sketch would be at the top...assuming the Hall of Fame was vertical, and the funniest cat sketches were closest to the ceiling. Honestly, it never gets old - every time I watch this I laugh.

NVM

Some of the UCB Comedy videos on our YouTube page have been getting some weird comments.

For example, one person typed "NVM" on one of our videos. After a quick search in Urban Dictionary, I found out that "NVM" means never mind.

Okay, gruntguy82, never mind to what? Never mind to the video? Never mind to what you typed? Please be specific!

Did you type something in the comment box and then erase it, but wanted to let us know that you had originally typed something so you just said "NVM"? If so, that makes me really paranoid. Just be truthful, gruntguy82. If you got a hard-on watching Wacky Cats, you can tell us! We don't care! But, if you're not going to leave comments that come straight from the heart, then NVM to you, mister!

Gruntguy82, if you're embarrassed to say something to us, don't be. NVM your inhibitions. If the ucbcomedy youtube account smells just be a man and tell us so we won't embarrass ourselves when we want to impress some pretty, sexy, youtube account that's way out of our league. Don't start to type "you smell", erase it, and then write "NVM". It's really detrimental to our friendship. Just type "you smell." We might be angry at you for a few minutes at most, but then we'll be really thankful. I promise.

How I Spent My Junior Year of College

It's wonderful what a little bit of pretentious self-Googling will turn up. For me, I found this little gem. I guess I didn't realize at the time, as an impressionable young college student, just how important and timeless my work really was. You're welcome, everybody. Now try Googling yourself. Go on, give it a try. That's right, this is the sort of blog that gives you homework.

But this nostalgic taxi cab ride down memory lane got me thinking about all the great videos I've seen on the site. That was way too mushy sounding, so I'm gonna stop right there, and say here are some of my favorite older videos on the site that are definitely still worth a look:

Horse Lift
Absurd, but in all the right ways.



Prank War
Quick, simple, and funny.



Los Angeles: The Big Apple
Absurd, simple, funny. Like a magic mix of what I liked about the other two.



Hope you enjoy them! Oh, and don't forget to do your homework! Otherwise you'll never get into Yale like your sister.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch from the Birthday Boys, a really great sketch group that specializes in sketches that everyone seems to love. Sure, it's Halloween-themed, but funny is funny any time of the year.

A Matty Smith Movie Review: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Disclaimer: Matty Smith does not have any expertise when it comes to film criticism, nor does he claim to. He will also say that Music and Lyrics and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead are both "pretty great movies." Just a little heads up so you know where he's coming from.

Whew. I was gonna write a review of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, but that disclaimer took a lot out of me, what with the switching back and forth between italics and whatnot. I'm almost not in the mood anymore. It was also in third person, and we all know that I wrote it, so that's pretty arrogant of me. I apologize for that.

A review would also include a lot of switching between italics and non-italics every time I had to say the title, and as I said I'm pretty winded on the typing/html front already. Not to mention the need to figure out the proper shortened title (Escape 2 Africa? M:E2A? Escape? Animal Movie? The One That is the First One After the First Madagascar?). We're all busy people with places to go. We don't need to read a movie review right now, especially when Rotten Tomatoes is out there.

To sum up, I really enjoyed the movie that I was talking about earlier. The first was awesome, what with the animals and David Schwimmer and that Borat guy and all, and I felt that the second was almost (if not just as) awesome. There were also a couple moments where I laughed pretty hard and the mothers of young children stared at me wondering why I was there, so that was good.

I give Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
Three and a Half Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas out of Five Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas.

UCBcomedy Featured on G4!

UCBcomedy.com was recently featured on the G4 network's Attack of the Show. Check it out!

We're famous!

Put Your Hands Up

There have been so many news stories this week about the influx of people buying guns before Obama changes the gun laws.

I have been toying with either buying a gun or getting my nose pierced for a really long time.

Either way, once our gun laws are changed in this country, we will never be able to see something like this ever again.

An Important Video You Should Watch (Seriously)

For those not in California who don't know or those in California who need to read and go outside more, Proposition 8 is a proposition that banned gay marriage in the state when it passed last Tuesday. It really is a shocking display of discrimination with little moral or logical grounding whatsoever, even looked at through the eyes of the most stringent religious and traditional values (the main perspectives used to argue for the proposition). But since arguing politics has never been my forte, I'm gonna let Jonathan Smith and company make a really strong point with this video:



Please, pass it along wherever you find it appropriate. The link to the video is http://www.ucbcomedy.com/videos/play/3145, so now you've got no excuses.

Also, this video is much better than the punch-your-car tactic employed by some (see my last post).

To The Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night

The following is a letter from me to the lady who punched my car last night, a real lady who just so happens to have punched my car last night.

Dear Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night:

Listen, I voted no on 8. I did my part. And I understand that when you were standing at the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon, you were just trying to bring attention to the issue. But you have to understand that I was just making a right turn, and a few factors involved in that action curtailed my desire to honk on this specific occasion when I saw you and your fellow "No on 8" protesters.

My horn, for one, couldn't take honking at every intersection in Hollywood. I feel I'd run out of honking gas. It was also a right turn on red-- have you ever taken a right turn on red, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night? You have to watch for oncoming cars in addition to pedestrians when you make your move. It is a nuanced driving maneuver, to say the least. I didn't mean for my desire to not be rammed on the driver's side by an eighteen wheeler to be confused with political digression or apathy.

So I was surprised as anyone when I saw you quickly approach the passenger window of my car, lower your sign, and proceed to punch the window of my car. You punched it, as Lennox Lewis might punch some other boxer. I was confused-- what was my Prius guilty of? Solid gas mileage? It was an awkward situation, being the third wheel to fisticuffs between automobile and lady. That's why I want to thank you, for what you did next. As I stared at you with my confused yet handsome face, you yelled incomprehensibly and made a honking motion. It was honking you wanted! At the sight of this, I obliged.

I must say, though, that the smiling cheer and thumbs up you then gave me didn't seem quite so earnest, not after you'd punched my car. You suddenly wanted to be teammates, but it's hard not to be a bitter teammate when your other teammate has punched your car. This, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night, is why I must ask that you refrain from punching my car in the future. I will continue to have voted no on 8, and you can continue not punching my car, and we can continue on in happy equilibrium until we meet up again and you're unaware of my stance on Prop 2, or something.

Sincerely, And Again Please Don't Punch My Car,
Matty

Top Five Theme Songs I Always Confuse

1.) Entertainment Tonight with Dateline

2.) The Real World Boston theme song with The Real World Hollywood. Here's the difference: Cyrus in the Boston season says "This is where we stop being polite and start getting real" and in the Hollywood season it's NOT Cyrus saying that. Confusing, right?

3.) The Intervention theme song with the song that plays in this music box I once had as a kid.

4.) The Step by Step theme song with Family Matters... until I get to the chorus of the Step By Step theme song and then I say, "That's the Step by Step theme song!" because the actual lyrics are "step by step" and then everyone around me says, "Ohhhh! You're right!"

5.) "Are You Ready for Some Football" with the Art Institute of Detroit fight song.

For fans of NPR theme songs, check out this video, directed by Matt Walsh.

Latest Election Update: 12:54am PST

It is currently 338-163.

Free Blog Post For Wearing an "I Voted" Sticker!

Thanks for the update, Matty. I was unsure at this hour in time on the west coast (currently 3 pm) about the presidential stats.

With Ben and Jerry's, Starbucks, and even Babeland giving away free products for wearing an "I Voted" sticker, Matty and I decided that if you're wearing an "I Voted" sticker, you can read this blog post for free.

Now, I know we can't tell if you're wearing an "I Voted" sticker or not, so you're going to have to use the honor code. Please, this is an important election and we're providing you this free blog post for doing your part in deciding the future of our country.

Also, we're giving away ONE free blog post. Just one. Don't come back online for another free blog post wearing a mustache pretending that you didn't just get a freebie five minutes ago. We know who you are...

Once today is over the free-blog-post-day will be over. No exceptions. Don't come back tomorrow wearing your "I Voted" sticker saying you didn't get a chance to read your free blog post yesterday. We're sorry. It will be too late. We can't be giving every blog post away for free all the time. We have kids to feed.

For those of you who voted, we hope you enjoyed reading this free blog post.

If you are a liar and read this blog post for free and haven't voted, then you're an asshole.

Latest Election Update: 2:35pm PST

It is currently 0-0.

Let's Avoid Some Themes!

Becky's a bum! That's right, I said it. My blog post, I say what I want. Unprofessional, to say the least. Not to mention inaccurate. But anyway, you're likely aware that the big ol' presidential election is tomorrow, and if you ever end up on any sort of site that shows sketch videos, you've probably seen seven million sketches about Sarah Palin. And a good number more about John McCain being mavericky or oldy or something. That's not to say they're bad-- in fact, there're a great deal of really funny, really good ones at UCBcomedy.com right now, waiting for your curious eye. Check 'em out, you'll laugh. Becky, bum that she is, suggested a bunch before. There just happens to be a whole lot of them.

In the end, though, I'm not anxious for this election to be over for any real substantial reason (i.e. overwhelming importance of America's choice in determining our nation's future), but just so I won't have to see any more political videos, at least for three and a half years. This year's been especially abundant as far as political internet sketch videos go, and working for a sketch video site puts those suckers in your face all the time. It's sort of like how a gynecologist can't stand to look at lady parts because he's seen so many, or how a hot-dog-on-a-stick girl can't face corn dogs or lemon churns. So, in honor of the upcoming election, here're some really, really funny videos that have absolutely nothing to do with the election. Or Halloween. That's pretty topical too.


Burger Auditioner



Cracked Out: This is Our City



The British Political Analyst



Admittedly, that last one is politics-related. But the main joke isn't about Palin or McCain or the politics themselves, so it's obviously okay. Also, I helped write it, and I'm a shameless self-promoting bum. Like Becky.