OH MY GOD TWITTER IS DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

You guys.

Twitter is down right now.

Why is Twitter down right now? What am I going to do with myself now that Twitter is down right now?

Jesus Christ, what have I done before Twitter was ever invented? Oh God, I have no idea.

Light things on fire? Did I just consistently light things on fire before I knew I could just Tweet my anger instead using actual flames to metaphorically ignite it?

Oh geez, it's been two minutes I have no idea what kind of ice cream Arianna Huffington is going to treat herself after lunch today because today is obviously ice cream Tuesday over at Huffington Post Headquarters. I knew that from Twitter. But now I can't know things anymore. NATHAN FILLION - WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ADULT SWIM?!?!?!?

I'll never know...

I'll never know....

I'll just never ever never ever never ever-

Oh wait. Twitter's up and running now.

My Addiction, by Matty Smith

The following is a true story.

It started a few years ago, at my first job in Hollywood. I was workin' for a real bona fide production company-- yessir, the kind of movie company that made fancy movies like Coach Carter, and Norbit. In fact, the company did make Coach Carter and Norbit. I entered my first foray into the entertainment world an enthusiastic, eager and, unfortunately, gullible young lad.

I never thought Hollywood could change me. Turns out, like the millions of others who set out to make it in this harsh mistress of a town, it did.

It started off simple enough. I'd answer phone calls, say hello to Tom Welling when he walked in. The usual stuff. But as the days got longer, and the phone calls from the director of Summer Catch starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. stopped coming in, a different kind of monster rolled into town. A monster named Boredom. Suddenly, instead of rubbing elbows with Samuel L. Jackson and making with the googly eyes with Britney Spears in a whirling Hollywood fever dream, I was rubbing elbows with a big empty desk and making googly eyes with a Windows ME default desktop wallpaper. It was then that I spotted it, that sweet siren's song of a program icon, beckoning me like the serpent to Eve.

One made-up compound word: FreeCell. To some it is merely Solitaire with skill involved. But I know its true face: black magic.

It was easy to control at first. A game here, a game there. Win, loss, didn't really matter much to me. I was just a kid, foolin' around. Three of clubs on top of a four of diamonds here, set the ten of hearts aside there. Easy peasy. But then something dark broke out from inside me, like a wild tiger exploding from a thicket. Suddenly my win-loss record counted. Suddenly that other girl interning there was confused by how much I played the game and why I actually cared if I won. Suddenly I'd go to bed at night and instead of my usual talking dog adventures, my dreams were overtaken by thoughts of compatible card combinations and how many cards I could shift to other piles with given amounts of open spaces.

I had it, had it bad. Addiction.

This riveting story to be continued on a later day...

Here's a great video written by Becky Bain as a reward for putting up with my stupid crap all the time:

Liveblogging of Me Liveblogging

1:30 PM: There's a golden owl in the office and I'm thinking of creating a blog post that is from the owl's point of view and it would make fun of me as an intern. But then I decide that topic is a little too self-deprecating and would feed into my fear of turning into Joy Behar.

1:32 PM: I finish writing the previous sentence and I read some Jezebel to watch the 80th video they posted this morning from The View. Joy Behar talks about not knowing what a blowjob was until she was 25. Oh shit. I am turning into Joy Behar.

1:33 PM: I decide I should focus on this blog again because I'm afraid I'm getting adult ADHD. I take a sip of echinacea tea and turn my chair 15 degrees to stare at rolled up architectural plans and a pile of W2 forms.

1:35 PM: I realize that I spelled echinacea incorrectly in the previous post but it's not in my spellcheck on my computer so I decide to google it and correct it in the previous sentence.

1:36 PM: I realize I did spell echinacea correctly. Hm. I'm smarter than I think I am or at least more holistic than my computer.

1:38 PM: I go through what I've written so far and correct some minor grammatical errors. Then, I think about the time my mom fixed a bunch of grammatical errors when I was in sixth grade on my report on scarlet fever. I chose scarlet fever because I thought it sounded pretty because scarlet is a pretty word, don't you agree? Scarlet. I love the way it sounds.

1:42 PM: I've been saying the word "scarlet" aloud, by myself, for the past four minutes.

1:44 PM: Marlene comes into the office to make some copies and I tell her I'm liveblogging of me liveblogging. She's doesn't think it's as clever as I do. She makes some copies. Emily walks by and pushes the papers out of Marlene's hands. Emily tells me it's "Haze Marlene Day". I choose not to partake because...

1:47 PM: ...I click on facebook and see someone I went to high school with wrote 25 things about himself. In the title of his note he writes, "25 Things... I didn't want to do this, but everyone said I should." I think, "Shut up. You wanted to write 25 things about yourself since the day it first came around. Don't pretend that you don't like writing about yourself. You've been wanting to tell people your anecdote about your grandma going to secondary school with J.D. Salinger since you woke up one day and realized that was an anecdote."

1:50 PM: I decide now is a good stopping point for my liveblog. Marlene comes into the office to sit with me while she eats her lunch. I make a joke about giving her boyfriend a blow job.

1:51 PM: I ask Marlene if i can make a joke about giving her boyfriend a blow job in this blog post. She's cool with it.

1:53 PM: Holy shit. I realize that I'm no way like Joy Behar. My day gets better.

1:59 PM: I hit "post."

No, MY Life at UCBComedy.com

Hey everybody!

So, in the last post, Matty provided all of you with some pictures documenting his day at UCBComedy.com.

I feel, dear readers, that you deserve my perspective on my day at UCBComedy.com. It's vastly different than Matty's.

So, without further adieu, I'd like to provide you with some pictures of my day at UCBComedy.com.

Every morning when I get in, I get very important emails from very important people. Here is a picture of an email I received with very important and exciting news that can affect everyone's life as we know it.



As Matty mentioned in his previous post, we do get visitors, which is very exciting.

I received a very exciting visitor today! I even took a picture of her as she walked through the door.




And here is a picture of her sitting next to me in the office. She was wearing a T-shirt with a phrase on it from an exciting project she is working on that could possibly affect everyone's life as we know it.



Finally, what's great, for me, about working at UCBComedy.com, is that we work at the actual UCB theatre. Many times, we get to watch the dress rehearsals for some of the upcoming shows, which is super awesome.

Right now, there is a top-secret super-special show rehearsing. It is AH-mazing, and, frankly, because of its genius, it can affect everyone's life as we know it.


I snuck in a took a picture of the rehearsal. Look closely, there's a chance you can see some super-famous people rehearsing their cameos.



And that is MY day at UCBComedy.com.

My Life at UCBcomedy.com

Folks, we've got a present for you today. We know you've been wondering, "what's the glamorous life of a UCB intern like?" Well, we're gonna show you. Right now, yes. Here's the view from Matty's luxurious seat in the back office of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

Oh, man, check it out! Is that a MacBook? Yeah, it is. I get to use it! And that sweet piece of abstract art makes me seem smart. Just a little somethin' somethin' for the ladies. And, to top it all off, I get to use that stapler any time I want. As long as it's business-related. So that's the mustardy-colored front view. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY TOP THIS?!?


Holy crud! A hallway! That's what's goin' on to the left. Interesting note, nobody has ever gone down that hallway, and nobody knows what's down there. My bet's on it being the lair of the Jabberwocky.


How many people are able to say they can spin around and look at the faces of all the UCB interns at once any time they want? How many? Very few. But I can. I can. Also, that Paychex calendar sure comes in handy, mainly because it doubles as just a regular-type calendar.


My view to the right. I don't look there often. No idea who that chick is.


And, not to brag, but on very, very special days, I get a visitor! That's right, it's the UCB's own Harrison Brown! He likes to come in and tell Becky she's doing a really good job. Then I ask how I'm doing, and he just stares at the floor. Then I go home and throw myself one of my Matty Smith-patented pizza n' tears parties, my favorite kind of party. More on that later.


I hope this was as exciting for you as it was for me. You probably work in an office building, with windows and stuff. Talk about banal. If I want to see typical office workings, I can just watch reruns of Working with Fred Savage. Remember Working? They had an episode where they had a Solitaire competition. Haha, Solitaire.

Genius.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Hey everybody! I missed you all over the holidays. Stop by sometime to say hi and we can ketchup. "Ketchup" is tomatoese for "get filled in on everything you've missed while you've been apart." Well, it's Monday, and I don't think it's just Jim Davis' Heathcliff rip-off that can't stand that day. To celebrate, here's a little video about Monday from Chris Kula, a writer from the UCB who likes to write comedy that's funny rather than comedy that isn't. Enjoy!

I Hate Mondays


Also, check out below for my (arguably ill-formed) favorite movies of the year!