My Top Five Favorite Pranks on UCBComedy.com

5.) Sexual Negotation from Crossballs. My favorite kinds of pranks are when someone having nothing to do with the prank says or does something totally outrageous. For example, when I was in Boston, there was this guy I used to talk to at a bar called Remingtons. (There's your shout-out!) I pulled one of those I'm-going-to-tap-your-left-shoulder-but-really-I'm-on-the-right-side-of-you moves and the guy I did that to got so shocked that he pulled out a gun and shot me in the foot. It was such a spontaneous moment, I couldn't help but laugh. I still giggle every time I shower and see that bullet lodged in my foot. In this episode, Mary Birdsong pisses off a career woman for not using her body to get ahead in the workplace. However, another guest on the show, a reverend (not an actor), says some of the most outrageous, sexist things, that even a hardcore feminist would say, "Ok. That's pretty fucking hilarious."

4.) ImprovEverywhere's Chekov Prank. Yes, I was a theater major which is one of the reasons why I love this video so much. You know that douchebag who acts smart in front of other people but in reality is so dumb? This one is for them.

3.) Suicide Prank. Another gem from ImprovEverywhere. Will Hines plays a man about to jump... from a ledge that's about a foot high. What's great about this prank is that it's not only funny, but it brought a community together and makes you really appreciate life. I'm actually crying right now. Seriously crying.

2.) Vertigo. Can I put one more ImprovEverywhere in here? Yes I can. It's my post. ImprovEverywhere sets up a fake U2 concert in this prank, which is arguably the post publicized scene they have ever caused. I feel like this one brought ImprovEverywhere into everyone's consciousness and if I'm wrong... then... fuck you, it's really Bono up there.

1.) Child Prodigy Prank. It was really hard to pick my number one, but after thinking about it I had to go with this one. Matt Besser and Amy Poehler pretend to be parents of a musical prodigy and have a meeting with a school for gifted children. Their son's instrument? Playing songs on a touchtone phone. How they managed to keep straight faces is beyond me. Maybe the next time I pull a prank, I shouldn't bring along a professional tickler.

What are your favorites?

(Aprils Fools! I don't care. )

(Just kidding, I do.)

Babiesssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was younger, I took ballet lessons. All over the dance studio, there were pictures of Anne Geddes babies in tutus. However, during class we were never allowed to wear tutus. Go figure. (Like boys' swimming lessons in the 1960's, girls' ballet lessons in the 90's had us practice in the nude.)

Watch this. Then, if you feel like it, share the most redundant dead-baby joke I've ever heard. Whoever shares the dead baby joke that's the most popular among high school juniors, who do stage crew, gets a prize.

Breast Picture

I can't stop giggling at the title. Haha. I almost typed tittie. (Even though it's spelled titty.)

I know I'm a girl and I should be more mature, but seriously boobs are funny. The word "boob" is funny. But I think any word with two of the same letters next to each other is funny. Just like the words "letter" and "funny".

Okay, enough of this crass talk, Feldman. It's time to get to the point.

Johnathon Smith made a movie. Like a movie movie and the preview is up on UCBComedy.com. It features so many UCB people, it's outrageous and I better be invited to the red carpet premier of it for blogging about it. (I have a dress picked out, Jonathon. Just so you know.)

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

When I was in second grade, I remember we had to write a short paragraph and draw a picture of what we would do if we found a pot of gold. I wrote that I would pay Billy Joel to sing at my 9th birthday party (he couldn't make it to my 8th, unfortunately.)

After we finished, my teacher looked at all of our projects and yelled at us saying that we were way too selfish. Other students said they would buy a car, or give it to their stepfather as a bribe to move out, or built the White House on the moon and become president of the moon.

Apparently, she was expecting us to write that we would give all of our gold to Nicaraguan children. (There was some shit going on there in the early 90's, right? I don't know. I guess I was too busy watching Animaniacs instead of 60 Minutes when I was 8 years old. Fuck me for being so unaware!)

Even though the assignment pretty much called for us to be selfish, I always felt bad about it. Now, that I have this great UCBComedy blog to express myself, I'd like to redo this assignment from second grade to show how selfless I truly am.

If I found a pot of gold right now, I would totally give it to Nicaraguan Children.

Oh, hey, I'm starting a new improv troupe called Nicaraguan Children if anyone wants to be a part of it. We just got this amazing pot of gold...

But to truly understand the art of improvisation, I suggest you watch this video:

My Addiction, by Matty Smith

The following is a true story.

It started a few years ago, at my first job in Hollywood. I was workin' for a real bona fide production company-- yessir, the kind of movie company that made fancy movies like Coach Carter, and Norbit. In fact, the company did make Coach Carter and Norbit. I entered my first foray into the entertainment world an enthusiastic, eager and, unfortunately, gullible young lad.

I never thought Hollywood could change me. Turns out, like the millions of others who set out to make it in this harsh mistress of a town, it did.

It started off simple enough. I'd answer phone calls, say hello to Tom Welling when he walked in. The usual stuff. But as the days got longer, and the phone calls from the director of Summer Catch starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. stopped coming in, a different kind of monster rolled into town. A monster named Boredom. Suddenly, instead of rubbing elbows with Samuel L. Jackson and making with the googly eyes with Britney Spears in a whirling Hollywood fever dream, I was rubbing elbows with a big empty desk and making googly eyes with a Windows ME default desktop wallpaper. It was then that I spotted it, that sweet siren's song of a program icon, beckoning me like the serpent to Eve.

One made-up compound word: FreeCell. To some it is merely Solitaire with skill involved. But I know its true face: black magic.

It was easy to control at first. A game here, a game there. Win, loss, didn't really matter much to me. I was just a kid, foolin' around. Three of clubs on top of a four of diamonds here, set the ten of hearts aside there. Easy peasy. But then something dark broke out from inside me, like a wild tiger exploding from a thicket. Suddenly my win-loss record counted. Suddenly that other girl interning there was confused by how much I played the game and why I actually cared if I won. Suddenly I'd go to bed at night and instead of my usual talking dog adventures, my dreams were overtaken by thoughts of compatible card combinations and how many cards I could shift to other piles with given amounts of open spaces.

I had it, had it bad. Addiction.

This riveting story to be continued on a later day...

Here's a great video written by Becky Bain as a reward for putting up with my stupid crap all the time:

Becky's Culinary Review of Food People Leave Around at UCB.

I'm in love with Anthony Bourdain. There. I said it.

If I were cultured and shit, I think I would be a food critic. And since Matty stole my blog post idea about bragging about how awesome we are for winning a ENCY award, I'm going to write a culinary review about the snacks that people leave in the UCBTLA office overnight.

To my right, someone left a container of Blue Diamond Natural Oven Roasted Almonds that are flavored with cinnamon brown sugar. I get the concept, but it tastes too much like breakfast. If I get light-headed later, I may take one more. However, snacks should be snacks and breakfast should be breakfast.

Behind my computer, someone left a bag of Boulder Canyon spinach and artichoke flavored potato chips. Well, they left an empty bag of said potato chips. There are still some crumbs in it, so I can only base my opinions on said crumbs. Two words: "Fucking Delicious." Six words: "Oh wait. That was my finger."

Next to the phone, there's a bottle of Advil Tablets. I personally like to call them Ibuprofen Lady-Fingers but whatever. They can hold me over until lunch.

In front of the printer/fax/copier, there's a blue plastic cup with water in it. It had a horrible follow-through but pretty decent after-taste.

Finally, next to the file cabinet is an enormous box of Sun-maid Raisins. I hate raisins. That, I didn't even taste. Fuck raisins. It's like eating old people or your brother's green army soldiers that your dog chewed on. Seriously, fuck raisins. Fuck them. I can't even begin to write about how intensely I wish raisins would go fuck themselves.

I guess this is why I can't be a real food critic.

Hey, if you're in LA tomorrow night at midnight, you should check out Sketch Cram. Matty and I are writing for it, and then, at the end of the night, we're going to punch each other in the face. Don't miss it.

Check out this video from last month's sketch cram.

We're a bunch of skinny wieners.

For your sake, I hope you got that blog subject reference.

Some of you may remember that, not long ago, we were nominated for those Oscars of New York comedy, the ECNY Awards. We said we wanted an award, and we meant it. Meant it bad. And you know what?

We got it. We won. That's right, UCBcomedy.com is the reigning champion for the ECNY Awards' Best Website. Along with a bunch of other UCB performers who won awards, UCBcomedy.com is inarguably better than other things. Who do we have to thank? You, the viewer/bored guy at work. And ourselves. High fives all around. Now hows about they make a "Best Blog Peripheral to a Comedy Website" award? We want more awards.

And in honor of awards, here's a video related to awards featuring at least one sexy shirtless dude. Enjoy!



We're the best!

Hey, Friend. Don't Cuss.

Those that know me well know that I'm not a cusser. Just don't do it. Not my style. I'll take a "frickin' a-hole" over a "frickin' a-hole" (pretend I didn't self-censor the latter) any day of the week. Especially Sundays, the day of the Lord, but also Thursdays, the day of Thor. My linguistic tendencies harken back to the early years of the Hayes Code, when not being openly obscene forced filmmakers to be creatively indirect and heavy on the innuendo, causing movies to actually be way more awesome. That's right, I'm a modern day Lubitsch, totally awesomer than all you kids who curse. I may also be a total tool, but like, an awesome tool.

Sort of like this kid...




Oh, and don't worry. Becky and I are already official members of the No Cussing Club.

Smiley Face With Blood on It

The second most hilarious thing to UCBComedy? Hands down, it's The Watchmen. It's the best comedy of the year. Matty and I went to see it last night and I laughed my ass off.

Jason Horton made this video if you're in a Watchmen-y mood.

Do you want to hear something crazy? Marcia Gay Harden loves UCBComedy.com! Plus, she's an Oscar winner. I really hope she watches Xtra F-Up videos as much as I do because I really believe the two of us are kindred spirits. Read it here.

I love you.

UCBcomedy.com is up for an ECNY Award!

UCBcomedy.com (along with a rash of UCB performers and shows) has been nominated for an ECNY Award! Without forcing myself to do too much research, I would assume that the "NY" stands for "New York," the "C" is for "Comedy," and the "E" is obviously just a meaningless placeholder.

The important thing is that winners are selected by your votes! And since the internet is everywhere, not just New York (sorry New Yorkers-- ain't so special, are ya?), you can easily vote either by visiting our handy voting guide which links to the voting, or you can go straight to the voting site itself by clicking here. Do it! Oh, and be sure to vote for us when you go.

We want an award!

An Excerpt from Becky's Journal

I've decided, in order to improve my life, to write in a journal every night. People have said that this is a productive thing to be in touch with yourself and focus on your feelings and emotions. I've been very strict with writing in my journal every night, even if I am in an altered state - which I was in last night. I woke up this morning to find this entry that I scribbled with a magic marker:

"Things I Don't Get About Free Willy"

There have been so many sequels to Free Willy and the thing I wonder is if the movies are about "freeing" Willy why isn't Willy learning how not to get trapped again? If he needs to be freed year after year, summer blockbuster season after summer blockbuster season, isn't he a retarded whale for consistently getting caught? Wouldn't the whale learn not to swim toward the net? They should've shot Willy at the end of the sequel because he's so retarded.

In the beginning of the movie, the main kid steals a wedding cake and goes to a skate park and the police come. The kid starts to run thinking, "Oh, shit! The cops are here and I'm eating cake in a public place!" The officers pin the kid down on the ground, handcuff him, rough him around a bit, and take him to jail or wherever. Who gets in trouble for eating cake??! Oh my God. I really want cake right now. Fuck. Why don't I have cake in the house. No wait. I want something salty.

Okay, why is the kid now going to a rich foster family? They don't even exist!

And that was my journal entry I wrote last night. I read it to Harrison and Matty a few minutes ago and they told me that in the sequels to the movie, the character of Willy-the whale are different whales.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Then, Harrison proceeded to tell me that there are multiple Shamu's as well.

WHAT?!

I'm going to go die from the bullet wound in my neck now.

Bye.