Monday, February 9, 2009

Love Advice to a 7th Grader

Hey, you. Yeah, you, 7th Grade Matty. How's it goin', little fella? It's me, the 23-year-old version of you. That's true, that's true, Valentine's Day is comin' up. Oh, yeah, and I know you have a crush on that girl over there. That's cool. She's very nice. The way she let you hold her hand when you went to see Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery? Wow, you two are destined to be together forever. Just like Austin Powers will always be remembered as one of the funniest movies of all time. There's nothing Mike Myers can do to tarnish that. Yeah, baby!

No, no, I think it's a great idea that you've decided that this girl is your one and only. No, you're definitely not too young, and this is not horribly irrational thinking. I agree, taking her out on dates would be "tight." Granted, you're in 7th grade so your mom would have to drive, but she'd probably let you ride in the back of the minivan together, so it's almost like having a chauffeur! Just be sure to borrow some money from mom while you're at it, so you can afford pre-movie Taco Bell and PG-13 movie tickets for two. And don't worry, I won't tell about your awesome plan to buy PG-13 tickets but actually sneak into an R-rated movie. That's freakin' brilliant, man. No wonder she's that into you.

You're almost there, really. Stay together for ten more years or so and you can get married, and be set for life. It'll be easy, because the high school and college years tend to be pretty uneventful and non-formative. You can fill time by quoting Austin Powers (I promise, it'll never get old) and talking about the latest episode of Friends (just wait 'til you see episode #184, "The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"). So don't worry, dude. You won't have to worry about being lonely on any Valentine's Days from here on out. You're way different from all those other 7th graders with their childish crushes rooted in puppy love. Your love's for reals, totes. Totes? Oh, that's a popular thing we future-people say in the future. Oh, and real quick, before you work up the courage to talk to Mrs. Matty Smith-to-be for the first time in weeks, you've got a little somethin' stuck in your braces. There you go, got it. Now go have fun being perfectly romantically stable for the rest of your life. What should you say? Well, you can start by impressing her with your mad rollerblade skills. Yeah, it was a great idea to go with rollerblading over skateboarding. You're never gonna regret that one.

Future You

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