Monday, November 24, 2008

Facebook Status Helper

Facebook is now unquestionably the most important social tool at one's disposal. It's where you'll solidify your friendship with the dude you met at the big party, it's where you'll brush up on your stalkee's favorite bands, and it's where you'll brag about insignificant things you'd feel stupid telling to someone's face. The key to absolute virtual friendship success, however, is in the Facebook status. Whether it's bragging about how lazy you are, defying grammatical logic, or just proclaiming nonsensical phrases that nobody (not even yourself) could possibly understand in an effort to come off as "thoughtful," you'd better have a solid status to survive this harsh digital environment. Nervous? Well, you're in luck. Here are some common facebook stati that are sure to work every time. Just pick one, and you'll be getting poked and tagged and superficially compared to others in no time.

<Your Name>... too cool for school. in it for the long haul. procrastinating.
...zonked out. CLASS CAN'T END SOON ENOUGH. just misunderstood.
...has a sucky stepdad who sucks. fly like paper, get high like planes, If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name.
...will never be too cool for school.
...thinks you're great!
...CARBO-LOADING ;). another parking ticket. lonely, depressed, and crying out for help. ruminating.
...SLEEP. Ravens 36, Eagles 7.
...can't get enough ice cream!
...hates facebook. F@$%!
...NO ON PROP 8. not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it. on a serious Mad Men streak!!!
...hearts Don Draper! MAD MEN.
...passed away this morning due to exhaustion after a weekend Mad Men marathon. Please send your love and support to his mother at

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