Sunday, November 9, 2008

To The Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night

The following is a letter from me to the lady who punched my car last night, a real lady who just so happens to have punched my car last night.

Dear Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night:

Listen, I voted no on 8. I did my part. And I understand that when you were standing at the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon, you were just trying to bring attention to the issue. But you have to understand that I was just making a right turn, and a few factors involved in that action curtailed my desire to honk on this specific occasion when I saw you and your fellow "No on 8" protesters.

My horn, for one, couldn't take honking at every intersection in Hollywood. I feel I'd run out of honking gas. It was also a right turn on red-- have you ever taken a right turn on red, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night? You have to watch for oncoming cars in addition to pedestrians when you make your move. It is a nuanced driving maneuver, to say the least. I didn't mean for my desire to not be rammed on the driver's side by an eighteen wheeler to be confused with political digression or apathy.

So I was surprised as anyone when I saw you quickly approach the passenger window of my car, lower your sign, and proceed to punch the window of my car. You punched it, as Lennox Lewis might punch some other boxer. I was confused-- what was my Prius guilty of? Solid gas mileage? It was an awkward situation, being the third wheel to fisticuffs between automobile and lady. That's why I want to thank you, for what you did next. As I stared at you with my confused yet handsome face, you yelled incomprehensibly and made a honking motion. It was honking you wanted! At the sight of this, I obliged.

I must say, though, that the smiling cheer and thumbs up you then gave me didn't seem quite so earnest, not after you'd punched my car. You suddenly wanted to be teammates, but it's hard not to be a bitter teammate when your other teammate has punched your car. This, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night, is why I must ask that you refrain from punching my car in the future. I will continue to have voted no on 8, and you can continue not punching my car, and we can continue on in happy equilibrium until we meet up again and you're unaware of my stance on Prop 2, or something.

Sincerely, And Again Please Don't Punch My Car,


rook said...

Sorry, Matty! I won't do it again.
-brooke(punch lady)

Becky Feldman said...

ahh- brooke stole my comment!