My Thanksgiving

Man, I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving! That's right. I'm leaving my cosmopolitan lifestyle in the big city and heading back to NJ, pretending it's against my will.

Here's what will happen:

I get off the airplane and I'll be on my BlackBerry discussing powerpoints and business deals with Japan. I'll notice a text message from my boyfriend, who is also my boss, breaking up with me. I freak out in the middle of the terminal. People around me look at me like I'm a crazy woman who happens to have it all because my outfit is from J Crew. I accidentally drop my BlackBerry and someone with a wheelie suitcase runs over it.

"What the fuck, you asshole! You ran over my Blackberry. My life is ruined!" I scream.

The person holding the suitcase turns around. Oh no. It's the artistic guy from high school that I had a crush on. He's now a self-sufficient carpenter who's love life is ruined because he's just too sincere. Our eyes meet. We have a moment. I apologize and he says, "Welcome back to New Jersey. Maybe I'll see you around."

He winks and walks away.

What a weird couple of minutes.

I see my dad in his pickup waiting for me outside. He's wearing the same trucker hat he used to wear when we played games of one-on-one basketball at the YMCA. He always understood me the most.

We drive back to my childhood home that has some quirk like plastic on the couches or tiny figurines from Disney World that are Mickey Mouse dressed up as all of the presidents of the United States.

My mom gives me a big hug and says something like, "When are you gonna give me grandbabies?" I see my older sister and her attractive husband. She says something demeaning like, "How's your work life doing? Did your vagina freeze up yet?" I smile and nod and say hello to my two blond-haired nieces. They hang on to my legs and I tumble over a little knocking over the glass of wine on the mantel. Man, I'm so clumsy.

Dinner is delicious. My mother makes more comments about me not getting married or having any babies. My sister makes a remark about how my life is all work, work, work and I storm from the table.

I drive my father's stick-shift pickup truck, which is hilarious because what career-woman in the city drives stick? There's a sequence of wonky driving. I head over to the basketball court at the YMCA to let out some steam. But I'm not alone.

Oh no.

The guy from earlier who's suitcase ran over my BlackBerry is there. We play a game of one-on-one. I beat him. He's surprised. He tells me that he's always had a crush on me since high school. We gaze into each other's eyes once again.

I look on the other side of the gym and see my now ex-boyfriend enter. Oh no. He says he's flown all day to see me and to apologize and tell me that he doesn't want to break up.

Is this what I want?

The carpenter guy smiles and wishes us congratulations. He walks away with his head down.

I take my ex-ex-boyfriend back home and introduce him to my family, even my sister who I'm still really peeved at.

We go sleep.

In the middle of the night, I notice that my ex-ex is not in bed next to me. I put on my bathrobe and quietly walk downstairs. I see the ex-ex and my sister in the kitchen... KISSING!

I scream out, "What the fuck, you guys?!!"

The lights go on in the house and the entire family comes downstairs to see all of the commotion. My mom's hair is in rollers.

My brother-in-law asks what happened. My sister looks at me and in her eyes I read, "Please don't say anything."

Despite our disagreements, we do have a sisterly bond. I have to be there for her. She's my sister.

I say, "My ex-ex is putting the moves on my sister!"

My dad kicks my ex-ex out on his ass and tells him to leave. The ex-ex deserves that. He's a douchebag. He's now just my ex again.

My dad sits me down and says that I deserve a good man and that he's proud of me. He makes me feel better about my life.

The rest of Thanksgiving weekend turns out to be fun. I get along well with my sister and I tell her that she should patch things up with her husband and not cheat on him anymore. She says I'm right and then together we say, "Men, right?" We giggle and eat Yoplait.

Dad drives me back to the airport and I give him a big hug. This was the best life-changing weekend of my life.

As I'm boarding the plane I hear a voice:

"Becky! Becky! Wait!"

I turn around.

It's him. The carpenter. My high school crush who may or may not be the love of my life.

He screams out, "Becky! Don't go! I love you!"

I drop my bags and run to him.

"I love you, too!"

We embrace and have the longest kiss of our lives. Everyone around us at the airport clap and suddenly believe in true love.

And THAT will be my Thanksgiving.