2008: The Year That Was

Boy, there goes another year. Way to go, Earth! You knocked another one right out of the park. Now, there were tons of great moments in 2008, but this blog is not infinite, so I've whittled down a list of what I found to be the most significant moments of 2008 (and I'm sure you'll agree!).

January 1
Akrotiri and Dhekelia Adopt The Euro
The world breathed a sigh of relief when the two "sovereign base areas" (source: Wikipedia) finally quit being sassy outsider emo kids and conformed to European monetary standards. Fun fact: the merging of world currencies is an early stage of the biblical apocalypse.



March 19
Exploding Star Is The Farthest Known Thing Ever Visible To Earthling Naked Eyes
And you missed it, probably because you were wasting time with your video games. For shame. The demise of poorly named GRB 080319B (made fun of all the freakin' time in grade school) could be seen from Earth, a distance of 7.5 billion light years (give or take). Interestingly enough, to the gas-based inhabitants of GRB 080319B it was actually the closest thing visible to the naked eye, until the naked eye also exploded.


August 17
Swimmer Brendan Hansen Wins Gold At The Summer Olympics
That's right, Phelps! You're not gettin' the headline this time! Not on my watch.



August 17
Aaron Peirsol And Jason Lezak Win Gold, Too
Oh no, Phelps, whatcha gonna do? Cry?




October 20
UCBcomedy.com's Blog Has Its First Post
I'm obligated to include this.


November 4
Historic Election Celebrated
That's right, November 4, 2008 marked the 84th anniversary of the election of Wyoming's Nellie Tayloe Ross as the first state governor in United States history. Whoa, Nellie! Some other important elections may have happened, too. Haha, get it? I'm being flippant.


December 29
Santa Clara University Retires Kurt Rambis' Basketball Jersey
Rambis, the first Greek player ever to play in the NBA, played for the LA Lakers, Charlotte Hornets, Phoenix Suns, and Sacramento Kings before being given the prestigious honor of popping up in the lyrics of a rapper named "Hot Karl," whose name is as vaguely gross and/or innuendo-laden as it gets. He's best known for having the sweetest mustache-glasses combination in NBA history (see: photo evidence at right). He truly was, as a nickname goes that I am just now bestowing upon him, the "King of Hoops and Handlebars."


And Rambis will carry us on through to 2009! That's MMIX to all you Romans. That about covers everything that happened in 2008, at least, everything important. The Celtics won their first championship in a long time, too, but until they learn to pronounce "kel-tik" I'm not giving 'em a lick of respect. Also not listed was the Hadron Collider because it broke, and we don't do failure here at the UCB. Happy New Year, everybody! We'll try to do better in 2009!

A Two-Minute Review, Holiday Edition

There are only so many hours in a day, and you just want to know which movies are worth your time. So what's not to like about a two-minute movie review? This week's review, in honor of the holiday season, is of Frank Capra's Christmas classic, It's a Wonderful Life, starring Jimmy Stewart. For the two minutes, I chose to watch a two minute span about half way into the film. The following paragraph is a transcription of my thoughts from when I was watching. Beware: minor spoiler alerts!

Oh man, what a crummy house. Life would be unwonderful for someone living there. Oh no, Mr. Smith lives there! Oh dang, and he's got a wife, too! And kids! But they're so poor! That must suck. Oh crap, and it's the holidays. I don't think it gets any less wonderful than that guy's life. Dude might as well jump off a bridge.

So, to sum up, It's a Wonderful Life is too negative a movie for my liking. Who'd have thought a movie title could be so cynical? Whatever happens in the moments following the part I watched, it probably just gets more and more negative. Capra should try making a happy film sometime, a joyous slice of quaint Americana maybe, rather than darkly pessimistic films like this one.

Kids Are My Favorite

Seriously. They're awesome, and what they make is usually a million times funnier and more brilliant than what I can come up with. To wit: these two videos, made by the children of Amey Goerlich's five-year-old film production class. That's a production class for five-year-olds, not a production class that's been going on for five years. The videos:


Penguin Scientist:



Lost Ice Cream Pitch Meeting:



See? Amazing.

Late Friday Night Fun Fact

Question: What does Howard the Duck creator Steve Gerber cite as his main inspiration for the talking alien duck?


Answer: Albert Camus' pseudo-existential 1942 novel The Stranger. Seriously


And now you know! Share it with your friends!

Honestly, who throws a shoe?

Thaaaat's right. Because nobody asked for it, I'm bringin' back the Austin Powers quotes.

But seriously, if there's one Dubya-shoe-video you watch, make it this one. Or if you've already watched one, erase your memory* and watch this one:



*For information on free memory erasing clinics, please contact W. Smith and T.L. Jones.

Welcome to My Study

Are you a fan of awkward, lonely humor? Do you like finding things in desks? I am, and that's why I'm digging deep into the UCBComedy archives (from, oh, about a year ago) to bring you Mitch Magee's, Welcome to My Study:

Sleep-Shoe-Thrower

Someone threw a shoe at my head at a sleepover once.

Growing up, I would always have these friends that I thought were pretty cool. We would become super-close and we would have our first sleepover. I would go over to their house for a sleepover, and I could never fall asleep because I was always supine on the hard floor, with one pillow, sleeping in my dad's dusty sleeping bag from his bachelor/anger days.

I would stare at my new friend and watch her sleep and realize how weird she was. I had one friend who used to snore out of her ears. (I swear to God! She had really bad asthma or something.) I had another friend who used to whisper parts of the female reproductive system in her sleep.

Finally, I had a friend who would throw stuff in her sleep.

Her name was Becca and for a while she didn't like me because my name was Becky and it was too much like Becca and I was totally stealing her thunder, despite the fact that I was six months older than her.

Needless to say, back then I probably won her over by doing my only character: Cereal Killer. (It was an old lady who used to like to murder cereal.) She probably thought I was hilarious and we became fast friends.

We had our first sleepover. She slept on the couch in her basement and I slept on the Laz-E Boy.

Since I wasn't sleeping on the floor, I was actually able to fall asleep. Just as my dream was about to begin, I felt something hit my head. I woke up and found a sneaker on the floor next to the chair.

Becca threw a sneaker at me!

"What the hell, Becca?" I asked.

She didn't say anything.

I walked over to her and saw her fast asleep. She looked like a retard.

"Becca?"

She picked up a pillow on the couch and threw it in my face.

"Why are you being such a bitch, Becca? I thought you found Cereal Killer to be funny!"

She didn't respond.

She was fast asleep.

A few days later I told her about it and she totally denied it. Years later I even made fun of her for it and she still continued to deny it.

But I swear to God she threw a shoe at me in her sleep! She's a sleep-shoe-thrower!

Is that so hard to believe?

Un-Vanilla

Seriously, this is about me. My name is in it. Also, I sing the opening song.

Funny People Can Be Good People, Too

Below is a video made by the Los Angeles chapter of Mustaches for Kids, a charity that raises money for several children's charity organizations, mainly by growing mustaches. It's just a fun, great charity that we're happy to say includes members of the Upright Citizens Brigade community. Visit www.m4kla.com for details on the charity and to donate, but act soon-- donations end on Wednesday, Dec. 16th!

A Two-Minute Movie Review

There are only so many hours in a day, and you just want to know which movies are worth your time. So what's not to like about a two-minute movie review? This week's review is of the 1968 "classic," Planet of the Apes. For the two minutes, I chose to watch the last two minutes of the film. The following are my thoughts from when I was watching. Beware: minor spoiler alerts!

All right, he's on a beach. That's cool, good setting. What the heck is the Statue of Liberty doing there? That's supposed to be in New York. Major goof on the set designer's part. And why's that Moses guy so angry now? Of course you're on Earth, retard. What's the big deal? I'm on Earth every day and I don't fall on my knees and yell curse words all the time. Holy crap, those monkeys are wearing clothes!

To sum up, despite creative choices in locale and interesting use of animals, Planet of the Apes ultimately fails due to an extremely one-note performance by Charlton Heston (all he did was yell!) and major logical errors (I saw no reason why the protagonist would think he was on any planet other than the planet Earth). Planet of the Apes just doesn't hold up for today's audiences.

One Great Sketch for Monday

This week's Monday video is from Neil Campbell. In addition to being the artistic director of the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles, Neil's a really, really funny guy. Enjoy!

This One is About High School Musical

Okay, I was just reading this thing on a blog that is not as nearly as good as this blog about Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens spotted going inside of a sex toy store!

Omg!!!

I have my opinions about this hot teen couple and I think that just because they were spotted in a sex shop does not mean that they are sex-crazy maniacs just constantly making like bunnies.

Here is what I imagine the couple talked about just seconds before entering the sex store:



INT. MELROSE AVE. BETWEEN ALTA VISTA and POINSETTIA

ZAC: Where are you taking me? I'm scared.

VANESSA: It's fine. Ashley Tisdale told me about this store and I really think it will help us.

ZAC: But I already saw you naked once, do we have to do it again?

VANESSA: I want to have sex with you!

ZAC: Wait, that wasn't sex before?

VANESSA: No! The dance routine to "Mixin' My Turn" doesn't count as sex. How many times have I told you this?

ZAC: But what if someone sees us? Like every single one of my fans?

VANESSA: We're just walking in, buying a dental dam, and leaving! What's worse? Being caught in a sex store or being a child star who is pregnant caught in a sex store?

ZAC: My mom was pregnant once.


The end.

Has This Ever Been You?

I saw Ben Siemon's "Date with an Informercial Actress" at Not Too Shabby once and I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. Since then I've been stalking Ben Siemon. However, now that this hilarious sketch is finally on ucbcomedy.com, I can pretend he's my husband from the comfort of my own home/wi-fi hotspot.

Check it out:

ur docter wil c u nau KTHXBAI (also, One Great Sketch for Monday)

All right. So last night, I was indulging myself in a little Dolphin Olympics 2. If you don't know it, you should, because it's great. Fireworks, Mars, and dolphins. The whole shebang. Also good is Zilch, an online dice game (at least, the online version is online). Online dice games are fun because they take away everything about dice that make dice dice-- mainly, the physicality and the randomness (Did you know computers can't be random, but can only do their best to simulate randomness based on probabilities and whatnot? Fun fact #43!)-- so really you're almost not even playing a game at all. That's how I like to spend my free time, anyway.

But I digress. What's more important is that on the website where I was playing these marvelous games, there's a little open chat room that's always running to the side. I never partook in the banter that took place there, but I did check on it every now and then to notice a fellow whose name was something along the lines of "kidninja472." Kidninja's side of the chat went a like something like this (copy n' pasted):

"just out of school"

"wat u on"

"no u kk i c"

"im n med school"

Yup, med school. Kidninja's in med school. People, future doctors are going online and chatting in chat rooms, and even they have felt the need to throw grammar to the wind in that violent manner unachievable through mere spoken word. Basically, kidninja is either a horrible future doctor, or somebody who's horrible at pretending they're a doctor. I'll let you take your pick, but neither choice speaks too well of anything. Then again, I'm not in med school, so I really have no room to criticize.

There's probably a pretty good argument for or against universal healthcare in there, too, for people who like to look for something in nothing. Or as I like to call them, Cubs fans! Badabing. I promise you nobody who read that thought it was funny. And in what people in the biz refer to as a "perfect segue," we go from this discussion of doctors to Hospital Bits, which I find to be really funny. It's got Drew DiFonzo Marks, Marisa Pinson, and Jon Glover, along with the direction and voicework of Andie Bolt, and it's pretty great. If you don't agree, lemme know with a comment why don't ya. There's ten of 'em, so when you're done with the one below you can head to UCBcomedy.com and check out all the rest of the magic.

Relationship Advice

I'm like the Nora Ephron of Generation X. Wait... I think I'm part of Generation Y. I don't know.

All I know is that I am surrounded by people in many kinds of relationships and I've noticed many of my friends run into similar issues when it comes to love. Since I am a love expert, here is some general advice to improve your relationships to make them long-lasting.

1.) When you first start to become intimate, purposely be bad at sex. Lie there still, make ugly faces, or hum Night Ranger. Then, gradually improve your techniques. That way, sex will never get boring. It will only improve. Once you've reached your peak, however, simply get divorced and blame it on your kids.

2.) Someone in the relationship needs to be a 14 year old. Or at least dress like a 14 year old.

3.) Do it in front of people and don't wait for them to ask to watch you do it.

4.) Never fart in front of each other.

5.) Always be pro-active together. For example, you can look at the right side on your computer screen and vote for you favorite UCBComedy original together. Put your finger on top of your partner's finger as you vote for "Funny Cats"... or whatever. Finger is such a funny word. But seriously, doing things together instead of apart is better, unless you like doing things apart.... or just doing things with other people.

6.) Don't give up who you are. If you like looking for Casual Encounters on Craiglist, keep doing it! It's who you are! Never let another person change you, unless they murder you. You can't really do anything about that.

But, what you can do, right now, is watch our newest original called eMotionallyfucked.com written by Michelle Thorn. It will also inspire you to improve your relationships.

M.Y.R.K.L.'s Up!

Check it out! Part one of Matt Walsh's sci-fi epic.

Time Travel Tuesdays

Oh, what's that? It's not Tuesday? Maybe not where YOU are...or should I say when you are. See, right now, it's Tuesday the Glorby-Seventh in the year 6280 from where I'm thinking about writing (nobody actually types here, you just think about things and they appear on the internet).

I'll answer some of the obvious questions you've got: 

-Yes, there are flying cars.

-No, licorice no longer exists.

-Yes, Obama fixes a lot of stuff.

-Yes, Matty's Twilight fan fiction garners him extensive posthumous success like no other, rivaling the likes of Vincent van Gogh and Val Kilmer (he's really popular in the future).

But I'm sure you're tired of me droning on about the future. In honor of Time Travel Tuesdays, here are some of UCB's finest time travel sketches:

1. Time Travel Expedition


2. Paul's Time Machine


3. Time Pot


Yours in Kilmer,
Justin

It's Official! We Did It!

That's right, folks. With the Dow closing down 680 points, recession has been declared for the United States. Grab a bag of oranges and claim the nearest street corner, kiddo, because rough times are ahead. You might also want to brush up on your Grapes of Wrath, just for good measure. Except for that part about breastfeeding a grown man, that's just nasty. And wasn't Tom Joad a murderer, now that I think of it? Jeez, John Steinbeck was nutso. The Associated Farmers of California were right to label him a communist. On second thought, stick to the John Ford movie version-- it has less murdering and man-breastfeeding, if I recall correctly.

But really, recessions happen all the time. According to CNNMoney.com, there were recessions in 2001, '90-'91, '81-'82, '80, and more. And all that happens is that a lot of people lose their jobs and don't have enough money to afford food and stuff. No Okies escaping the Dust Bowl, no Tennessee Valley Authority, no FDR trying to pack our Supreme Court. B to the oring. What could be cool and stylish, like the Great Depression, is really just a big bummeroo.*

Of course, there's always the possibility that this:


Could turn into this:


See what happens? All the colors will go away, and someone will steal our giant nice letters and replace 'em with janky ones. Also, there's gotta be some town somewhere that's actually called Hooverville that'll be upset that it's no longer the only one. So get out there, folks, and enjoy Four Christmases while you can, because soon enough your local theatre'll be converted into a food shelter, and that's nowhere near as charming as Reese Witherspoon's winning smile. Also notable is that both pervy perv John Steinbeck and darling Reese Witherspoon dropped out of Stanford University without receiving degrees. Quitters.



*Matty's not a total idiot. He realizes that a recession is not some little thing to scoff at, and does value the lives and families of those hurt by the recession. He doesn't just think it's "B to the oring." Just wanted to say that before you started writing letters and petitioning congressmen and protesting on street corners, you hippie.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch written by (and starring) Ryan Perez. Enjoy!

Things I am Thankful for on UCBComedy.com

You know, I'm not going to respond to Matty's claim that I am retarded because I am just too thankful.

I'm so thankful I'm not crying over any hurtful words. I am so thankful that I'm not brooding with anger over Matty's highly inaccurate Twilight fan fiction. I'm so thankful that I forgot about the fact that I didn't pack any panties on my trip to NJ so I had to take old leotards from my childhood ballet class and cut them apart to avoid being commando in front of my bubby later tonight.

Here are some things on ucbcomedy.com that I'm thankful for:

1.) The State Reunion

2.) Mythbusters

3.) Dracula has AIDS

4.) Freak Dance in the Streets!

5.) Funny Cats

6.) M.Y.R.K.L. Aaah! You guys don't know what M.Y.R.K.L. is yet! You will soon. This is the only thing I can tell you:

M.Y.R.K.L. is coming! Stay tuned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 2: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

If you missed Chapter One of Vampire Thanksgiving, check it out by clicking here before continuing. As it is a two-chapter epic, this will be the final chapter of Vampire Thanksgiving. I would like to thank all of my faithful readers. I love you all. The months of planning, writing, and revising were not in vain.

Chapter Two
Bella was sad because her boyfriend left her, and that makes sense because that's really sad and we've all been there. She went on her Facebook and clicked reluctantly on the "Remove Relationship" button. To top it all off the internet was out and she couldn't fix it because her stepdad was the only one who knew how to fix it and he was dead.

Edward was walking down the street when he heard a sound emanating from some bushes over there. Hmm, how very curious, he pondered to himself in his mind. So he went to the bushes and all of a sudden Buffy the Vampire Slayer jumped out. She was just about to kill him when he explained to her that he was actually one of the good vampires.

"I'm one of the good vampires," he explained.

"Okay good. Say, you're cute, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?" Buffy asked Edward out.

Edward wasn't sure what to do, but he knew that he and Bella were on a break so he went on the coffee date with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They went to Central Perk and Ross and Rachel were there, ironically. Then they went to Buffy's house and made out a lot but Edward pulled away.

"I can't do this... I love Bella," cried Edward into the raging night winds. He bid Buffy adieu and set out for Bella's place.

But when he got there, who did he find but Edgar, making out with Bella, ironically!

"Stop now! I love Bella!" Edward yelled again into the raging night winds. Edgar and Bella stopped the hot makeout sesh they were having.

"Is that true?" responded Bella with chagrin.

"I'm pretty sure. But who knows what love is?" asked Edward. Bella sighed because Edward was so smart and broody.

"No! This can't be!" lamented Edgar, whose body burst into flames, because true love was his one weakness.

Edward smiled at Bella with his vampire teeth, which actually look just like normal people teeth, because vampires don't have vampire teeth in Twilight. They went inside, made out a few times, and then ate their Thanksgiving dinner. Bella ate turkey, and Edward ate Tru Blood because he was a vampire.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever read," said Becky from outside the window. But nobody listens to her because she's retarded. Plus, she was just jealous because she wishes she could make out with Edward.

The End!

Special thanks to Brooke Seguin for canonical accuracies.

My Thanksgiving

Man, I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving! That's right. I'm leaving my cosmopolitan lifestyle in the big city and heading back to NJ, pretending it's against my will.

Here's what will happen:

I get off the airplane and I'll be on my BlackBerry discussing powerpoints and business deals with Japan. I'll notice a text message from my boyfriend, who is also my boss, breaking up with me. I freak out in the middle of the terminal. People around me look at me like I'm a crazy woman who happens to have it all because my outfit is from J Crew. I accidentally drop my BlackBerry and someone with a wheelie suitcase runs over it.

"What the fuck, you asshole! You ran over my Blackberry. My life is ruined!" I scream.

The person holding the suitcase turns around. Oh no. It's the artistic guy from high school that I had a crush on. He's now a self-sufficient carpenter who's love life is ruined because he's just too sincere. Our eyes meet. We have a moment. I apologize and he says, "Welcome back to New Jersey. Maybe I'll see you around."

He winks and walks away.

What a weird couple of minutes.

I see my dad in his pickup waiting for me outside. He's wearing the same trucker hat he used to wear when we played games of one-on-one basketball at the YMCA. He always understood me the most.

We drive back to my childhood home that has some quirk like plastic on the couches or tiny figurines from Disney World that are Mickey Mouse dressed up as all of the presidents of the United States.

My mom gives me a big hug and says something like, "When are you gonna give me grandbabies?" I see my older sister and her attractive husband. She says something demeaning like, "How's your work life doing? Did your vagina freeze up yet?" I smile and nod and say hello to my two blond-haired nieces. They hang on to my legs and I tumble over a little knocking over the glass of wine on the mantel. Man, I'm so clumsy.

Dinner is delicious. My mother makes more comments about me not getting married or having any babies. My sister makes a remark about how my life is all work, work, work and I storm from the table.

I drive my father's stick-shift pickup truck, which is hilarious because what career-woman in the city drives stick? There's a sequence of wonky driving. I head over to the basketball court at the YMCA to let out some steam. But I'm not alone.

Oh no.

The guy from earlier who's suitcase ran over my BlackBerry is there. We play a game of one-on-one. I beat him. He's surprised. He tells me that he's always had a crush on me since high school. We gaze into each other's eyes once again.

I look on the other side of the gym and see my now ex-boyfriend enter. Oh no. He says he's flown all day to see me and to apologize and tell me that he doesn't want to break up.

Is this what I want?

The carpenter guy smiles and wishes us congratulations. He walks away with his head down.

I take my ex-ex-boyfriend back home and introduce him to my family, even my sister who I'm still really peeved at.

We go sleep.

In the middle of the night, I notice that my ex-ex is not in bed next to me. I put on my bathrobe and quietly walk downstairs. I see the ex-ex and my sister in the kitchen... KISSING!

I scream out, "What the fuck, you guys?!!"

The lights go on in the house and the entire family comes downstairs to see all of the commotion. My mom's hair is in rollers.

My brother-in-law asks what happened. My sister looks at me and in her eyes I read, "Please don't say anything."

Despite our disagreements, we do have a sisterly bond. I have to be there for her. She's my sister.

I say, "My ex-ex is putting the moves on my sister!"

My dad kicks my ex-ex out on his ass and tells him to leave. The ex-ex deserves that. He's a douchebag. He's now just my ex again.

My dad sits me down and says that I deserve a good man and that he's proud of me. He makes me feel better about my life.

The rest of Thanksgiving weekend turns out to be fun. I get along well with my sister and I tell her that she should patch things up with her husband and not cheat on him anymore. She says I'm right and then together we say, "Men, right?" We giggle and eat Yoplait.

Dad drives me back to the airport and I give him a big hug. This was the best life-changing weekend of my life.

As I'm boarding the plane I hear a voice:

"Becky! Becky! Wait!"

I turn around.

It's him. The carpenter. My high school crush who may or may not be the love of my life.

He screams out, "Becky! Don't go! I love you!"

I drop my bags and run to him.

"I love you, too!"

We embrace and have the longest kiss of our lives. Everyone around us at the airport clap and suddenly believe in true love.

And THAT will be my Thanksgiving.

Facebook Status Helper

Facebook is now unquestionably the most important social tool at one's disposal. It's where you'll solidify your friendship with the dude you met at the big party, it's where you'll brush up on your stalkee's favorite bands, and it's where you'll brag about insignificant things you'd feel stupid telling to someone's face. The key to absolute virtual friendship success, however, is in the Facebook status. Whether it's bragging about how lazy you are, defying grammatical logic, or just proclaiming nonsensical phrases that nobody (not even yourself) could possibly understand in an effort to come off as "thoughtful," you'd better have a solid status to survive this harsh digital environment. Nervous? Well, you're in luck. Here are some common facebook stati that are sure to work every time. Just pick one, and you'll be getting poked and tagged and superficially compared to others in no time.

<Your Name>...
...is too cool for school.
...is in it for the long haul.
...is procrastinating.
...zonked out.
...is CLASS CAN'T END SOON ENOUGH.
...is just misunderstood.
...has a sucky stepdad who sucks.
...is fly like paper, get high like planes, If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name.
...will never be too cool for school.
...blah.
...thinks you're great!
...CARBO-LOADING ;).
...got another parking ticket.
...is lonely, depressed, and crying out for help.
...is ruminating.
...SLEEP.
...is Ravens 36, Eagles 7.
...can't get enough ice cream!
...http://hampsterdance.com.
...hates facebook.
...is F@$%!
...is...
...NO ON PROP 8.
...is not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.
...is on a serious Mad Men streak!!!
...hearts Don Draper!
...is MAD MEN.
...passed away this morning due to exhaustion after a weekend Mad Men marathon. Please send your love and support to his mother at madmom85@aol.com.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch from Kevin Pedersen, one of the UCBTLA's top writers and a member of Harold (improv) team Panama.

Vampire Thanksgiving, Ch. 1: A Twilight Fan-Fiction

Note to literary agents: This story was written by Matthew Thomas Smith. He may be reached by clicking here. Please include "I would like to represent you" in the subject line.

Chapter One
"I would like you to come have Thanksgiving with my family," proclaimed Bella, because she liked him.

"I don't know if I should because I am a vampire..." responded Edward, because he was worried that Bella's stepdad would not like that he was a vampire.

"I don't care what my parents think because I love you," explained Bella, then she hugged him and felt her head feel warm on his chest.

"Okay I love you too, and I will hide that I am a vampire so that they don't know," announced Edward.

So they went to Bella's parents' house for Thanksgiving. Edward's vampire teeth chattered a lot because he was nervous about being a vampire and Bella's mom made garlic dip and vampires die if they eat garlic. It was okay though because he just ate the crackers but no dip.

Then there was a part where Bella's stepdad posited, "Want a bite?" Edward got more nervous because he thought he was talking about biting people, but then he realized that he wasn't talking about him being a vampire and he was just talking about Thanksgiving dinner.

CRACK! There was a loud noise and Edgar, an evil vampire that used to be friends with Edward, broke through the wall and pieces of concrete flew into Bella's stepdad and killed him. Bella's mom died too.

"Not again today!" pronounced Edward, because in the past Edgar had messed up Thanksgiving before and killed everyone.

"No. I have a secret. I am your vampire brother," elucidated Edgar, "And now we have to fight because there can be only one. I will make you not thankful for this Thanksgiving!"

They fought and Edgar was really strong. Edward punched and kicked with all his might, and sweat was all over and his shirt tore in a way that Bella thought was really sexy, and finally he was able to knock Edgar so hard that Edgar flew really far, and Edgar got scared and ran away. Bella woke up from being knocked out earlier.

"Edward you did it! I love you!" vociferated Bella, and she hugged him. They kissed and did it for lots of time. But Edward scowled later on.

"I am a vampire and this is too dangerous. Your parents got killed. I am going to leave you, even though it's really sad," mitigated Edward. And then he super-jumped out of the room.

End of Chapter One

To Be Continued...?

Thursday is the new CATURDAY

Look, I know what you've all been thinking: when are they gonna show us the CAT VIDEOS? Well, you can stop sending e-mails by the thousand and picketing outside the theater, because today is your lucky day.

That's right, this Thursday CATURDAY I'm going to show you the best cat sketches UCB has to offer, which also happen to be the best cat sketches in the history of the internet.

1. Funny Cats!
Do you have a love/hate relationship with the animal voiceover guy from America's Funniest Home Videos? Then this sketch is for you. Oh, you don't? This sketch is still for you.


2. Cat News: Broadcast 2
Because there aren't enough talk shows out there that feature cats interviewing lesbians.


3. Cat Bath Chronicles
If there was a Feline Comedy Hall of Fame, this sketch would be at the top...assuming the Hall of Fame was vertical, and the funniest cat sketches were closest to the ceiling. Honestly, it never gets old - every time I watch this I laugh.

NVM

Some of the UCB Comedy videos on our YouTube page have been getting some weird comments.

For example, one person typed "NVM" on one of our videos. After a quick search in Urban Dictionary, I found out that "NVM" means never mind.

Okay, gruntguy82, never mind to what? Never mind to the video? Never mind to what you typed? Please be specific!

Did you type something in the comment box and then erase it, but wanted to let us know that you had originally typed something so you just said "NVM"? If so, that makes me really paranoid. Just be truthful, gruntguy82. If you got a hard-on watching Wacky Cats, you can tell us! We don't care! But, if you're not going to leave comments that come straight from the heart, then NVM to you, mister!

Gruntguy82, if you're embarrassed to say something to us, don't be. NVM your inhibitions. If the ucbcomedy youtube account smells just be a man and tell us so we won't embarrass ourselves when we want to impress some pretty, sexy, youtube account that's way out of our league. Don't start to type "you smell", erase it, and then write "NVM". It's really detrimental to our friendship. Just type "you smell." We might be angry at you for a few minutes at most, but then we'll be really thankful. I promise.

How I Spent My Junior Year of College

It's wonderful what a little bit of pretentious self-Googling will turn up. For me, I found this little gem. I guess I didn't realize at the time, as an impressionable young college student, just how important and timeless my work really was. You're welcome, everybody. Now try Googling yourself. Go on, give it a try. That's right, this is the sort of blog that gives you homework.

But this nostalgic taxi cab ride down memory lane got me thinking about all the great videos I've seen on the site. That was way too mushy sounding, so I'm gonna stop right there, and say here are some of my favorite older videos on the site that are definitely still worth a look:

Horse Lift
Absurd, but in all the right ways.



Prank War
Quick, simple, and funny.



Los Angeles: The Big Apple
Absurd, simple, funny. Like a magic mix of what I liked about the other two.



Hope you enjoy them! Oh, and don't forget to do your homework! Otherwise you'll never get into Yale like your sister.

One Great Sketch for Monday

Here's a great sketch from the Birthday Boys, a really great sketch group that specializes in sketches that everyone seems to love. Sure, it's Halloween-themed, but funny is funny any time of the year.

A Matty Smith Movie Review: Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Disclaimer: Matty Smith does not have any expertise when it comes to film criticism, nor does he claim to. He will also say that Music and Lyrics and Zack Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead are both "pretty great movies." Just a little heads up so you know where he's coming from.

Whew. I was gonna write a review of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, but that disclaimer took a lot out of me, what with the switching back and forth between italics and whatnot. I'm almost not in the mood anymore. It was also in third person, and we all know that I wrote it, so that's pretty arrogant of me. I apologize for that.

A review would also include a lot of switching between italics and non-italics every time I had to say the title, and as I said I'm pretty winded on the typing/html front already. Not to mention the need to figure out the proper shortened title (Escape 2 Africa? M:E2A? Escape? Animal Movie? The One That is the First One After the First Madagascar?). We're all busy people with places to go. We don't need to read a movie review right now, especially when Rotten Tomatoes is out there.

To sum up, I really enjoyed the movie that I was talking about earlier. The first was awesome, what with the animals and David Schwimmer and that Borat guy and all, and I felt that the second was almost (if not just as) awesome. There were also a couple moments where I laughed pretty hard and the mothers of young children stared at me wondering why I was there, so that was good.

I give Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa:
Three and a Half Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas out of Five Madagascar: Escape 2 Africas.

UCBcomedy Featured on G4!

UCBcomedy.com was recently featured on the G4 network's Attack of the Show. Check it out!

We're famous!

Put Your Hands Up

There have been so many news stories this week about the influx of people buying guns before Obama changes the gun laws.

I have been toying with either buying a gun or getting my nose pierced for a really long time.

Either way, once our gun laws are changed in this country, we will never be able to see something like this ever again.

An Important Video You Should Watch (Seriously)

For those not in California who don't know or those in California who need to read and go outside more, Proposition 8 is a proposition that banned gay marriage in the state when it passed last Tuesday. It really is a shocking display of discrimination with little moral or logical grounding whatsoever, even looked at through the eyes of the most stringent religious and traditional values (the main perspectives used to argue for the proposition). But since arguing politics has never been my forte, I'm gonna let Jonathan Smith and company make a really strong point with this video:



Please, pass it along wherever you find it appropriate. The link to the video is http://www.ucbcomedy.com/videos/play/3145, so now you've got no excuses.

Also, this video is much better than the punch-your-car tactic employed by some (see my last post).

To The Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night

The following is a letter from me to the lady who punched my car last night, a real lady who just so happens to have punched my car last night.

Dear Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night:

Listen, I voted no on 8. I did my part. And I understand that when you were standing at the corner of Ventura and Laurel Canyon, you were just trying to bring attention to the issue. But you have to understand that I was just making a right turn, and a few factors involved in that action curtailed my desire to honk on this specific occasion when I saw you and your fellow "No on 8" protesters.

My horn, for one, couldn't take honking at every intersection in Hollywood. I feel I'd run out of honking gas. It was also a right turn on red-- have you ever taken a right turn on red, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night? You have to watch for oncoming cars in addition to pedestrians when you make your move. It is a nuanced driving maneuver, to say the least. I didn't mean for my desire to not be rammed on the driver's side by an eighteen wheeler to be confused with political digression or apathy.

So I was surprised as anyone when I saw you quickly approach the passenger window of my car, lower your sign, and proceed to punch the window of my car. You punched it, as Lennox Lewis might punch some other boxer. I was confused-- what was my Prius guilty of? Solid gas mileage? It was an awkward situation, being the third wheel to fisticuffs between automobile and lady. That's why I want to thank you, for what you did next. As I stared at you with my confused yet handsome face, you yelled incomprehensibly and made a honking motion. It was honking you wanted! At the sight of this, I obliged.

I must say, though, that the smiling cheer and thumbs up you then gave me didn't seem quite so earnest, not after you'd punched my car. You suddenly wanted to be teammates, but it's hard not to be a bitter teammate when your other teammate has punched your car. This, Lady Who Punched My Car Last Night, is why I must ask that you refrain from punching my car in the future. I will continue to have voted no on 8, and you can continue not punching my car, and we can continue on in happy equilibrium until we meet up again and you're unaware of my stance on Prop 2, or something.

Sincerely, And Again Please Don't Punch My Car,
Matty

Top Five Theme Songs I Always Confuse

1.) Entertainment Tonight with Dateline

2.) The Real World Boston theme song with The Real World Hollywood. Here's the difference: Cyrus in the Boston season says "This is where we stop being polite and start getting real" and in the Hollywood season it's NOT Cyrus saying that. Confusing, right?

3.) The Intervention theme song with the song that plays in this music box I once had as a kid.

4.) The Step by Step theme song with Family Matters... until I get to the chorus of the Step By Step theme song and then I say, "That's the Step by Step theme song!" because the actual lyrics are "step by step" and then everyone around me says, "Ohhhh! You're right!"

5.) "Are You Ready for Some Football" with the Art Institute of Detroit fight song.

For fans of NPR theme songs, check out this video, directed by Matt Walsh.

Latest Election Update: 12:54am PST

It is currently 338-163.

Free Blog Post For Wearing an "I Voted" Sticker!

Thanks for the update, Matty. I was unsure at this hour in time on the west coast (currently 3 pm) about the presidential stats.

With Ben and Jerry's, Starbucks, and even Babeland giving away free products for wearing an "I Voted" sticker, Matty and I decided that if you're wearing an "I Voted" sticker, you can read this blog post for free.

Now, I know we can't tell if you're wearing an "I Voted" sticker or not, so you're going to have to use the honor code. Please, this is an important election and we're providing you this free blog post for doing your part in deciding the future of our country.

Also, we're giving away ONE free blog post. Just one. Don't come back online for another free blog post wearing a mustache pretending that you didn't just get a freebie five minutes ago. We know who you are...

Once today is over the free-blog-post-day will be over. No exceptions. Don't come back tomorrow wearing your "I Voted" sticker saying you didn't get a chance to read your free blog post yesterday. We're sorry. It will be too late. We can't be giving every blog post away for free all the time. We have kids to feed.

For those of you who voted, we hope you enjoyed reading this free blog post.

If you are a liar and read this blog post for free and haven't voted, then you're an asshole.

Latest Election Update: 2:35pm PST

It is currently 0-0.

Let's Avoid Some Themes!

Becky's a bum! That's right, I said it. My blog post, I say what I want. Unprofessional, to say the least. Not to mention inaccurate. But anyway, you're likely aware that the big ol' presidential election is tomorrow, and if you ever end up on any sort of site that shows sketch videos, you've probably seen seven million sketches about Sarah Palin. And a good number more about John McCain being mavericky or oldy or something. That's not to say they're bad-- in fact, there're a great deal of really funny, really good ones at UCBcomedy.com right now, waiting for your curious eye. Check 'em out, you'll laugh. Becky, bum that she is, suggested a bunch before. There just happens to be a whole lot of them.

In the end, though, I'm not anxious for this election to be over for any real substantial reason (i.e. overwhelming importance of America's choice in determining our nation's future), but just so I won't have to see any more political videos, at least for three and a half years. This year's been especially abundant as far as political internet sketch videos go, and working for a sketch video site puts those suckers in your face all the time. It's sort of like how a gynecologist can't stand to look at lady parts because he's seen so many, or how a hot-dog-on-a-stick girl can't face corn dogs or lemon churns. So, in honor of the upcoming election, here're some really, really funny videos that have absolutely nothing to do with the election. Or Halloween. That's pretty topical too.


Burger Auditioner



Cracked Out: This is Our City



The British Political Analyst



Admittedly, that last one is politics-related. But the main joke isn't about Palin or McCain or the politics themselves, so it's obviously okay. Also, I helped write it, and I'm a shameless self-promoting bum. Like Becky.

Happy Halloween... Seriously

I know I wished you Happy Halloween earlier this week, but today I really mean it. The "Happy Halloween" I wished you on Tuesday was just a ploy to get you to watch some cool UCBComedy.com videos. Today's "Happy Halloween" is the one I truly mean, but, if you want to watch some cool UCBComedy.com Halloween videos, that's cool, too.

Check out...

Visions of Terror



and...

Best Halloween Costume Ever

Happy Halloween from UCBComedy.com!

UCBComedy.com has a caldron a'brewing with hilarious original videos dedicated to All Hallow's Eve.

Mixed Up Monster References - These guys try to figure who, exactly, they are running from.

Halloween Jogger - An important PSA regarding this Friday.

Dracula Has AIDS - C'mon. It was bound to happen.

Two Counts - Count Chocula pays a visit to his half-brother Dracula.

My Coloring Book: Halloween - A sad but true story of a girl and her pumpkin.

Werewolf Sex Prank - UCB's Ian Roberts and Matt Walsh go to a Halloween store for a sex mask.

My Top Five Favorite UCBComedy Political Videos

I was watching Michelle Obama's speech in Ohio this morning and she was cracking a few jokes. I appreciate that. She's actually a funny lady.

To keep the electoral-humor train rolling, here's a list of my top five favorite political videos on ucbcomedy.com.

1.) Palin Rap - Heather Campbell's take on Sarah Palin. It's musical. It's badass. And it features the genius line, "I'd club baby seals if there was oil inside them."



2.) Dry Hump the Vote - Rarely do voting campaigns turn me on. This one makes me feel all hot and bothered.



3.) Concession Speech Meltdown - James Adomian channels his inner Bill O'Reilly and loses his shit.



4.) Rock the Polls - Erin McGathy still manages to get the public's opinion on voting despite having her heart broken.



5.) McCain, Shut Up - I think Nathan Barnatt says and does what all of us are thinking...



Honorable Mention- Even though Hillary is no longer in the running, I am in love with the episode of The Jeannie Tate Show where Jeannie and her daughter Tina head to a Hillary rally. It features up-and-coming superstar Aubrey Plaza and I love anything she has ever said. Ever.

Coming Soon... Content!

Check back here soon for news, updates, and musings from behind the scenes of the greatest comedy video website of all time, UCBcomedy.com!